Youth is But an Afternoon Away
Ah, youth, that fleeting feeling of being immortal, invincible, even irresistible. Short of things that are against the law, abjectly amoral, or just really bad for us, how do we recapture that feeling? Cosmetic procedures, that’s how!
In my inbox today, advertising for all the youthening I can afford:
Botox
I have yet to try this new old standby, though I have actively been trying for a year to get my neighbor, who is an ear, nose, and throat doctor, to let me host a party where we gals drink mojitoes and he shoots us up with botulism. So far, he’s not biting. Not a very good friend, that one. I mean, so what if the toxin can spread away from the injection site, causing everything from breathing problems to loss of bladder control? No who would believe I am perpetually calm anyway. My friends would think I’d been replaced by an alien. Or a robot.
Organiceuticals
This is the latest marketing spin on youthful potions that are supposed to erase all the lines and somehow reverse the effects of gravity. Made with ingredients like coffeeberry, these sound more like breakfast food than magical elixir. And why so pricey? I’m thinking of whipping up something in a compost pile out back. Come on over.
Laser Hair Removal
The offer of the day is “Buy One Area Get 2nd Area For 1/2 Price”. Of course, the 1/2 price is for the “equal or lesser value” area. How exactly is this determined, this valuation of my hairy areas? Is it the quality of the hair? The quantity? And how does one get a handle on that before committing to the procedure? Is there an appraisal process? Does someone drive by the house and snap shots of me in unfortunate postures? Is there a hidden camera at the yoga studio perhaps?
So much to ponder. It makes my brain feel tired, and old.
by Lela Davidson on April 6, 2010
in It's All About Me, Suburban Bliss
I’ve got natural botox, in spades. It’s called “fat”, and you get a free injection with every batch of cookie dough you eat, hiding on the floor of your closet.
Never heard of the second one, although you’re right, it sounds like something Kellogg’s would sell.
And it’s a little weird that the third arrangement is exactly the deal I’m getting with my carpet cleaners.
Somewhere in Switzerland there are a group of perpetually young, wrinkle free scientists who are ready to make every American woman look as beautiful as Nancy Pelosi and Joan Rivers.
You really have some loyal followers. I opened my mail at7:10 a.m. and your already had one comment. How do they know?
John, you are my most loyal follower. Let’s keep it that way, shall we?
DeNae – You said carpet…. I went to the dermatologist to schedule my “medically necessary” annual laser obliteration of my face. The tech asked what chemical they’d used last time. I didn’t know so she asked what is apparently the revealing question: “Did you look like a burn victim after?” So, yeah, these are the things we do. Pathetic and imperative.