In the third grade my son’s class put on a Thanksgiving program. Imagine my pride at having him appear as both a turkey and a rapper and read the essay he wrote about being thankful for his education. We value overachievement here. As it turned out, he wasn’t the only one expected to perform.

Two weeks before the show, I received a note from the music teacher saying that because my child had been chosen to be a turkey, I needed to cover a white t-shirt completely with feathers. Use a hot glue gun, it said. The tone had a distinct air of condescension: if you’re not able to make the costume, please call the music teacher. That’s a dare if I’ve ever heard one.

I’m not too interested in competing with other moms via my child, but I’m also not one to back down from a challenge. I skipped off like a good mommy to Hobby Lobby where an entire aisle is devoted to feathers. These are not cheap, especially the turkey-appropriate colors like brown, white, and black. How badly could a fuchsia and chartreuse turkey stand out from the crowd anyway? I compromised, buying one packet of the good feathers and a value pack for filler.

I also bought a natural colored t-shirt because I figured that might make up for my feather scrimping. At least if I ran out of feathers he’d have a turkey-ish color showing through. I bought glue sticks and said a little prayer that my trusty glue gun still worked, because no way was I buying another one of those. At the register I smirked at my ability to get out of there for under ten bucks.

That night I waited impatiently for the glue to melt in the barrel of my ancient gun and started sticking. I attached a few feathers to my own shirt and burned off some fingerprints, but overall I rocked the turkey shirt. After about a half hour, I called it good, even if there were a few spots of natural showing through.

Judging from the feedback I received the next day after the dress rehearsal, I should have kept going. 

“You forgot the sleeves,” a neighbor girl noticed. As if turkey legs have feathers. Sheesh.

My son, ever the encourager, pointed out that one kid wore a plain t-shirt. Plain! I’d done a better job than at least one mom. That was good enough for me. 

On show day, as I took my seat in the cafeteria, tens of turkeys graced the bleacher stage. Some of them looked like Vegas acts and others looked like, well, kids being forced out in public with feathers glued to their shirts. My son may not have been the most attractive fowl, but his ‘Turkey Boogie’ blew the others’ out of the barnyard and his essay proved that he is one smart bird.

I just feel sorry for all those competitive moms whose kids had no t-shirt showing through.

Won’t you join me? I’m issuing a challenge–to make your Thanksgiving way more funner. This year, collect quotes. Whenever Uncle Fred or Auntie Annie spit out a racial slur, when your parents pick at your lack of ambition or your excess forearm flesh, when your inlaws inquire as to your status with child or without–write it down. Share them here in the comments to prove that every family is crazy, or just to make someone else feel better that yes, your life really is worse than theirs. Or funnier. You get to decide.

Happy Thanksgiving!

1. Distracting: Because people tend to revert to childish behavior around family, we’re going to treat them like the toddlers they are. My daughter and I came up with all kinds of games and activities that can be pulled out the first time someone utters: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

2. Delegating: My MIL is bringing the stuffing, red cabbage, and appetizers. (Also probably half of the Dallas Whole Foods, but it’ll be cold right? We can store the extra food on the deck.) Everyone else is bringing booze. Lots of it. I’ll put the kids to work on the green bean casserole that day. Who can’t handle that?

3. Making Ahead: I will be making the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes this week and freezing them. I’m thinking of doing buttermilk rolls and freezing those too, but that may just be overkill. What’s Walmart for after all?

4. Purchasing Desserts: I am not a baker. Just not. Therefore I will be purchasing most all the desserts.

5. Accepting Chaos: It’s going to be nutty. I know that. But we’ll all sit down at the table (well, the two tables pushed together) for at least an hour. As for the rest of the 5 DAYS!!! (did I mention these people are staying 5 days?) we’ll be eating spaghetti and going out for Chinese buffet – and watching lots and lots of movies in the TWO different, totally separate viewing areas. For sanity’s sake.

That’s my plan and I’m thankful for it. What’s yours?

PS – This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Butterball. If I’m quick I’ll win a free turkey!

They are doing specials on Black Friday, so if you hate the thought of shopping in your PJs in front of people, check out Amazon Black Friday.

And I’ll try to get some more picks in my store ASAP!

Anyway – the least I can do to help you out is steer you over to my Thanksgiving series on HubPages. I hope you find something useful. Please post any other good resources or tips in the comments. Thanks!

Kid-Friendly Vegetable Recipes for Thanksgiving
Keep Kids Entertained on Thanksgiving Day
Thanksgiving Prayers and Other Expressions of Gratitude for Children
Best Thanksgiving Books For Kids

Note: This coloumn was written last year, long before I was the room mother. Now I face a whole new set of challenges.

Last year, my son had his Thanksgiving program where he performed as a turkey and a rapper, and read an essay he wrote about being thankful for his education. Yeah, he’s a suck-up. I have no idea who he gets it from. The day before, the kids had practiced their musical for the school and I got some feedback that maybe my son’s turkey costume wasn’t exactly the best in show.

Two weeks earlier, I had received a note from the music teacher saying my child had been chosen to be a turkey and could I please cover a white t-shirt completely with feathers. Use a hot glue gun, it said. Pretty innocent right? But the tone of the note got me, especially the condescending out it gave– ‘if you’re not able to make the costume, please call the music teacher. That’s a dare if I’ve ever heard one. I can tell you no self-respecting at-home mom would do any such thing, regardless of her level of craftiness. Or not.

If I sound a little bitter, it’s because I’m PTA-challenged. They are a political pack, those PTA dogs and I tend to be rather direct. However, on the matter of competition, we’re one. If I’m in, I’m in. That’s why I usually stay out of that particular race. The archetype PTA Mom has a bob, fake nails, and Stepford-pressed khakis. It’s no secret that I too have short and smooth hair, solar nails, and have been known to throw on Gap pants. So what’s my problem?

I blame my single mother’s her lack of involvement at my school, and her incessant singing of that Harper Valley song. Like the mother in the song, later played in prime time by the Jeanie herself, Barbara Eden, Mom was not exactly PTA material. She sang in Top 40 cover bands in smoky bars all over town. What she failed to recognize, however, was that the mom in the song went to great efforts to fit into the PTA. Not my Mom. The only time she showed her face at school was for my plays and choir concerts and then I had to beg her not to wear sequins. It’s clear to see what happened to me.

So, in my on-going effort not to be my mother, I skipped off like a good mommy to Hobby Lobby where they have an entire aisle of feathers. They were not cheap, especially the turkey appropriate colors like brown, white, and black. I wondered how badly a pink and purple turkey would stand out from the crowd. In the end, I compromised on one packet of the good feathers and one value pack to fill in. We’d just save those extra fancy colored feathers for something else.

Like a gay pride parade – or a roach clip.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty clever to get out of there for under ten bucks including a natural colored tee because isn’t that just way better than white? In case I didn’t compete on feathers, at least he’d have a better color of t-shirt showing through. I bought glue sticks and said a little prayer that my trustee old glue gun still worked because no way, no how was I shelling out more dough for this bird. Before kids, I’d been crafty as hell, but after the blessed events, I’d gotten wrapped up in other pastimes, like laundry and flashcards. Good times.

That night I heated up the old gun and started gluing. After about a half hour, I called it good, even if there were a few spots of t-shirt showing through. Judging from the feedback after the dress rehearsal, I should have kept going.

“You forgot the sleeves,” a neighbor girl pointed out.

But my son, always the encourager confided that one kid wore a plain t-shirt. So there you have it. I’m better than at least one mom, and that’s good enough for me.

As I took my seat in the cafeteria, tens of turkeys graced the bleacher stage, some of whom looked like Vegas acts, and others looked like, well, kids being forced out into public with feathers glued to their shirts. My son may not have worn the best costume, but his ‘Turkey Boogie’ blew the others’ out of the barnyard and his essay proved that he is indeed the smartest kid in the school. Ah, sweet redemption.

I just feel sorry for all those competitive PTA moms whose kids had no t-shirt showing through.

I am also a believer that kids join our lives, not the other way around. So if I’ve got a hankerin’ for eggplant parmesan, that’s what they’re having. This is one of the few benefits of being the family cook. I choose what we eat. That’s not to say that I don’t consider the kids’ preferences when planning meals, but only to a point.

When they were younger I used to sneak veggies into meatballs, Deceptively Delicious style. But that takes work. Now I’m lazier. I just plop it out on the plate at say EAT!

I’m not much help with the sneaky tricks, but if you’ve got picky eaters at home you can find a lot of good tips today at the Parent Bloggers Network. They’ve asked regular moms like me to share their secrets. Go check it out.

Quick and Healthy Breakfasts For Kids
Top Five Ways to Raise a Healthy Eater
Tilapia is Fish Kids Eat
Top 5 Halloween Candy Alternatives
Kid-Friendly Vegetable Recipes For Thanksgiving

Turns out we got some wicked good deals – that’s what we were thinking! We did it again and again the next two years in a row. We’ve covered two states in pre-dawn grogginess. And once, two of us nearly strangled the third when she tried to stop at a convenience store for coffee. Everyone knows only Starbucks will do for shopping at 5:am.

However, all good things must come to an end. I have just learned about a site that lets me take advantage of all those awesome deals without leaving the comfort of home. I can Black Friday shop from my recliner with Black-Friday.net. What could be better? They have several stores vying to help you save money. Best of all you can get all those deals without standing in line with some folk who, I must say, don’t always smell too sweet. It’s not like there’s time to take a shower before shopping. As an added bonus, the site also offers email alerts to let you know when new Black Friday ads have been posted.

They have your basic Walmart deals and Target bargains, but I’m excited that one of their stores is Old Navy because that is always on my list. Who doesn’t need fleece at Christmas time? There’s nothing quite as wonderful as a big ole Old Navy shopping bag chock full of clothing goodness for the cost of a few lattes. Enjoy!