Top 5 Reasons Swine Flu is More Fun to Follow Than Sports

I’m having a lot more fun tracking the spread of the swine flu than I ever have following sports. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually been any good at sports, but I’m okay at getting sick once in a while. Or maybe it’s because H1N1 crushes sports for pure entertainment value.

I submit to you the Top 5 Reasons:

1. Swine Flu is Easy
Unlike following sports, you don’t really need to know what’s going on in order to make sense of flu stats. You just log on to the CDC site and watch the numbers grow.

2. Swine Flu is Inclusive
Like sports, there’s nothing you can do that will impact the outcome of the flu’s progression. However, at least with the flu there’s actually a good chance you will actually participate.

3. Swine Flu is Big Money
Sports is big money too, but flu has greater potential. Think Tamiflu sponsorship placcards on school busses and those leisure coaches old people travel around in. Plus, I’m betting there’s plenty of betting based on the H1N1 numbers.

4. Swine Flu is Easy to Armchair Quarterback
With sports you actually have to know what’s going on to make any kind of intelligent criticism. Flu is significantly easier to comment on. Three words: wash, your, hands.

5. Swine Flu Comes with a Cheaper Buzz and Fewer Side Effects
You can’t follow sports without beer and the good stuff’ll cost you. Germex, the swine flu fan’s intoxicant of choice, can be picked up for a few bucks at Walgreen’s. And there’s hardly any hangover.

Tween Girls Beware of Deadly Build-a-Bear Flu

U.S. health officials expressed concern today that a Build-a-Bear flu virus that has infected several tweens in the New York suburb of Scarsdale matches samples of a virus that has killed at least 52 different Build-a-Bears in a Fresno shopping mall.

Public health experts also are concerned because more than 1,000 girls have fallen ill after taking a new Build-a-Bear to bed.

“This situation has been developing quickly,” said a CDC representative. “As part of our emergency health procedures, all Build-a-Bears will be tested for fever at the nation’s airports.”

New York health officials announced Friday they are testing about 75 plush toys at a Queens toy store for the Build-a-Bear flu, which is thought to be transferable not only to tween girls, but also to other stuffed animals.

Although they are still selling the wildly popular teddy bears, Build-a-Bear stores nationwide have begun a wide scale testing protocol, focused on the shared stuffing pool where synthetic fibers are tossed and tumbled communal vat of innards. Tiny cotton face masks are also available as an add-on sale with a Build-a-Bear.

Wall Street lamented the deadly flu this week as stock in Hannah Montana took a dive. Economic experts worry that a pandemic could wreak havoc on our fragile economic recovery

“The only thing people are still buying is stuff for these screaming tween girls,” said one frazzled trader. “If we lose that sector, we’re all doomed! Doomed I tell you!”

Perhaps due to the genetic makeup of the fast-spreading Build-a-Bear strain of influenza, which includes genetic elements from Big Bird flu, Miss Piggy flu and snot nosed children spanning three continents, there is considerable speculation that the origins of this virus are man-made.

And then there are the conspiracy theories. It’s not an unreasonable question to ask: Could world governments have conspired to cause the downfall of Hannah Montana forever by a calculated execution of her fan base? The leader of the free world is, after all, the father of tween girls. Is this all a devious plan to rid our nation of the bop-bop beat of a Disney soundtrack?

Encouraged by President Barack Obama could dark forces have distributed a super virulent strain of influenza designed to “correct” the Hannah Montana problem?

Only time will tell. For now, hold your bears tight.

Disclaimer: Because my husband has a real job, one that provides value to society and not just smart remarks, he often wonders if I’m ever afraid that said remarks might inspire a lawsuit. Therefore, let it be known that this is purely an imaginary news report. No actual stuffed bears, Build or otherwise, have been harmed in the making of this post. Nor have any toys been found to carry a flu virus – on account of they’re not alive. Furthermore, the Davidson family adores Build-a-Bear. In fact, if the Build-a-Bear people wanted to send over some coupons for bears, we would gladly accept them. Heck, we’d even give them away to our beloved readers.