Calling for a Permission Slip Revolution

 

My son texted me the other day because he had forgotten a permission slip and the teacher needed my approval to let him to watch a film. It wasn’tSaving Private Ryan or An Inconvenient Truth or even sex education. It wasRoots. Naturally, I was confused because when I was his age, the mini-series aired during primetime, bumping Laverne & Shirley and Three’s Company,if I recall. Why the need for consent? It’s not like the teacher wanted to take my son to Africa, or even to a Confederate state. I texted back that he could watch the movie with my blessing.

Read the rest of this post on Today Show Moms.

Image: Erix!, Flickr

 

 

Hey, ‘Sup Man

At back to school night I greeted one of my son’s friends: Hey, Dude, what’s up? My sixth grader averted his eyes and we walked away in silence.

Mom, what have I told you about calling my friends Dude?

Um… Is this a trick question?

I told you not to do it.

Oh. Okay. What should I say?

Just say, hi, how’s it going?

Just then we spotted a neighbor girl.

Here’s your chance. Practice on Mackenzie.

I obeyed: Hi, how’s it going?

Not like that.

How then?

Okay, don’t say that.

What am I allowed to say?

Just say: Hey, ‘sup man.

Sweet.

7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA

You hate the PTA. Admit it. You’d rather clean out the drain than volunteer for field day or bake muffins for all those ungrateful teachers. But someone’s got to do it, right? Much as you cannot stand the thought of one more silent auction, you don’t want to be that mom – the slacker who doesn’t care enough about the social and educational future of her children to get her lazy ass down to the cafeteria for the float committee meeting.

Instead of actually having to say no, wouldn’t it be easier to get kicked right out of the PTA? Now you can. I can help.

Here are 7 surefire techniques for getting banned from the PTA forever:

#1 – Pass out peanuts.
Peanuts in public schools are like anthrax in Washington. Distribute peanut M&Ms to the kids in your charge at the petting zoo and you’ll never organize another field trip.

#2 – Get a job.
This is a drastic step, but if you miss enough of those 10:am meetings, you’ll never be asked to join another committee. Bonus: for this technique to work, you don’t actually have to get a job, but merely convince others that you have.

#3 – Botch the bulletin board.
You will eventually be asked to create an adorable bulletin board made of QTips or stunning botanical scenery for the second grade musical. Creating a horrid piece of artwork should be easy so if you’re in a hurry to get the boot, volunteer for this.

#4 – Show off your tramp stamp.
There is nothing to get mouths a-gaping like a little ink below the waist line. Strategic use of low rise jeans can insulate you from years of fall carnival shifts, spaghetti socials, and any other event that would put you in proximity of any Mr. PTAs.

#5 – Buy the wrong color.
It doesn’t matter what it is – balloons, paper plates, napkins – go against the committee’s ruling on a particular nuance of forest green and you can kiss your PTA career goodbye.

#6 – Piss off the Queen.
Work with your personality to find the most effective way to enrage the PTA Queen. It’s important to understand that PTA Queens often operate outside the official hierarchy of the PTA system. Learn who they are, irritate them, and go on with your merry non-PTA existence.

#7 – Embezzle the funds.
This is perhaps the most drastic step of all, but in many cases can result not only in your being shunned from the PTA, but every other well-meaning, time-sucking volunteer organization in town.

Keep all these in mind next time you stroll your happy little self down to the PTA meeting. Because really, aren’t they all a little easier than just saying no?

Have you been blacklisted from the PTA? We need your tips! Please help your fellow moms by sharing in the comments below!

More of My PTA Experience:

How Many Parents Does It Take to Make the 5th Grade Homecoming Float? – In a moment of weakness I volunteered for the 5th grade homecoming float committee. I know – the 5th grade has a homecoming float?

PTA Challenged – The day before the Thanksgiving musical, after the dress rehearsal, I got some feedback that maybe my son’s turkey costume wasn’t exactly the best in show.

Room Mother at Last – No one believed I could do it, but this post proves I did. And once is enough, right?

Image Credit: Marlon Hammes, Flickr

Online Education: Is This the Way of the Future?

I’ve been reading lately about a number of online education programs for middle school and high school students. I’m wondering if this could be the perfect answer for all kinds of kids who, for whatever reason, need access to education outside the traditional model.

In Wisconsin, iQ Academy is setting up a student center where students of the online school can socialize and study. The online academy offers curriculum to students in grades 6 – 8. Their online high school program has proven successful since its inception in 2004.

And the cool thing is that iQ Academy is tuition free AND once enrolled, students receive a laptop computer, printer and textbooks required for their courses.

“iQ Academy provides a high-quality school option for Wisconsin students in grades 6 – 12 seeking maximum flexibility,” added Rick Nettesheim, Principal of iQ Academy. “The online environment caters to a wide range of students, including previously homeschooled students, athletes, performers and others with busy travel or work schedules, students with special needs and students seeking Advanced Placement courses or electives unavailable in their local school district.”

Courses at iQ Academy include core courses plus AP courses, and high-tech classes such as digital imaging, Web design, and Java scripting. How cool is that?

I’ve read about this in other states too, but it’s not everywhere yet. If you have experience with this type of schooling, we’d love to hear from you!

How Many Parents Does it Take to Make the 5th Grade Homecoming Float?

In a moment of weakness I volunteered for the 5th grade homecoming float committee. I know – the 5th grade has a homecoming float? There’s a long tradition in our town that the 5th graders participate in the high school homecoming parade. And when I say the ’5th graders participate’, it’s code for the ‘parents of the 5th graders compete’.

I attended two homecoming float committee meetings where I tried to keep quiet while no less than 8 women talked at the same time. In case you can’t tell by the tone of this blog, I’m not exactly a wallflower. I tend to speak up. However, I remind you – this is PTA stuff and I am afraid. Despite the chaos, the mob actually came up with a pretty good design and we planned to get the kids together on Sunday to work on it.

Okay, so by work on it, apparently we meant let the hormonal little beasts run around like wild dogs and eat the hostess out of Fritos and Gatorade. (They also spent a meager amount of time taping out football field lines and making posters with tempera paint.) Again, during the workday I tried to keep quiet. Because really – what do I know about floats? Nada. School spirit? I got nothin‘.

I listened to serious and necessary discussions about tissue paper vs. napkins, glitter vs. paint, and the many uses of hay bales. Pretty soon my confidence grew and I suggested to the parent designing the support frame that we use PVC pipe. However, he was a man and promptly shrugged off my idea. At one point I asked a friend to please shoot me in the head if I ever volunteered to head up the float committee, or any other PTA committee. Give me a cause, a board, a fundraiser, and I’ll make things happen. But when it comes to school, just pass me the glue and glitter and tell me what to do.

At the end of the workday, while our children ran through the street, we dedicated PTA parents met under a tree to review what we’d accomplished and what still needed to be done. The candy bags had been stuffed and the costumes arranged. The banner was located and the cardboard cut. All that was left to do was assemble the frame – out of PVC pipe.

Threatening Homeschool

Lately my gifted son has been bringing home sub-standard scores on tests and homework. It’s spring, I know, but still. These lazy grades are hard for me to swallow. And so, good mom that I am, I use threats and bribery to induce my children to do my will. In this case: threats. Specifically, I have told him that if he does not start applying himself to his schoolwork, I will have to be his teacher ala homeschool. We both understand this is in no one’s best interest. It is an empty threat at best. But nonetheless, it could work.

What would you do?

Buy a Timer For Your Gifted Child

Forget about saving up for that Ivy League education. The best investment you can make for your gifted child is an inexpensive kitchen timer. What is it about a smart kid that makes it nearly impossible for them to complete a simple task within a reasonable period of time? Yesterday, after an hour of shouting and checking the status of the 28 math problems my son had been assigned, I sat him down at the kitchen table and set a minute on the timer for every problem he had left. 18 minutes for 18 problems. I thought it was a bit harsh and there was no way he’d make it under the buzzer, but I was out of ideas and that trick bought me 18 minutes of not-throttling-my-child.

He finished with 5 minutes to spare. So, for those of you who aren’t gifted at math, that’s 60 minutes for the first 10 problems (without a timer) and 13 minutes for the last 18 problems. My kid may be a rocket scientist one day, but it doesn’t take one to figure out he needs a timer. Later in the evening he was so happy he asked if we could use a timer all the time. Does this mean I’m not such a Mean Mom after all?

Snowstorm? What-Ever!

Today the kids are out of school. Yes, there is snow – on the GRASS! What’s a working-at-home momma supposed to do? Deb Ng captured the hype well:

Monotone News Anchor: We’re bracing for the first major storm to hit the area this season. Pretty Weather Guy is waiting to give a forecast, but first let’s go to Annoying Blonde Reporter who’s in Valhalla, standing in front of some salt trucks.

Annoying Blonde Reporter: You’re Correct Monotone News Anchor, I’m indeed standing in front of salt trucks. Standing here with me is Guy in Charge of Salt Trucks. Hello Guy.

Guy: Hello ABR

ABR: What is your plan of action today?

Guy: When it snows the trucks will spread salt on the roads.

ABR: Fascinating. They’re going to spread salt on the roads. For more team coverage, let’s take it to Freezing Cold Reporter Number 1 who is standing on the side of the road somewhere in NJ.

Read the rest here.

Do Spelling Matter?

My Girl Child is not a good speller. I’m a little whatever about the whole thing, but every time I meet with the teacher ala teacher conferences I get all freaked out about it again. I think she’ll be okay, says the teacher. Well, yeah – I’m pretty sure she’ll be OKAY. I’m sure incorrect spelling is not going to turn her into a roadside beggar, much to the surprise of English teachers everywhere.

My husband can’t spell. I have become dependent on spell check. And just last night I was talking to my daughter’s first grade teacher, who admitted she is a horrible speller. My girl is doomed. Should I care?

PTA Challenged

Note: This coloumn was written last year, long before I was the room mother. Now I face a whole new set of challenges.

Last year, my son had his Thanksgiving program where he performed as a turkey and a rapper, and read an essay he wrote about being thankful for his education. Yeah, he’s a suck-up. I have no idea who he gets it from. The day before, the kids had practiced their musical for the school and I got some feedback that maybe my son’s turkey costume wasn’t exactly the best in show.

Two weeks earlier, I had received a note from the music teacher saying my child had been chosen to be a turkey and could I please cover a white t-shirt completely with feathers. Use a hot glue gun, it said. Pretty innocent right? But the tone of the note got me, especially the condescending out it gave– ‘if you’re not able to make the costume, please call the music teacher. That’s a dare if I’ve ever heard one. I can tell you no self-respecting at-home mom would do any such thing, regardless of her level of craftiness. Or not.

If I sound a little bitter, it’s because I’m PTA-challenged. They are a political pack, those PTA dogs and I tend to be rather direct. However, on the matter of competition, we’re one. If I’m in, I’m in. That’s why I usually stay out of that particular race. The archetype PTA Mom has a bob, fake nails, and Stepford-pressed khakis. It’s no secret that I too have short and smooth hair, solar nails, and have been known to throw on Gap pants. So what’s my problem?

I blame my single mother’s her lack of involvement at my school, and her incessant singing of that Harper Valley song. Like the mother in the song, later played in prime time by the Jeanie herself, Barbara Eden, Mom was not exactly PTA material. She sang in Top 40 cover bands in smoky bars all over town. What she failed to recognize, however, was that the mom in the song went to great efforts to fit into the PTA. Not my Mom. The only time she showed her face at school was for my plays and choir concerts and then I had to beg her not to wear sequins. It’s clear to see what happened to me.

So, in my on-going effort not to be my mother, I skipped off like a good mommy to Hobby Lobby where they have an entire aisle of feathers. They were not cheap, especially the turkey appropriate colors like brown, white, and black. I wondered how badly a pink and purple turkey would stand out from the crowd. In the end, I compromised on one packet of the good feathers and one value pack to fill in. We’d just save those extra fancy colored feathers for something else.

Like a gay pride parade – or a roach clip.

Anyway, I was feeling pretty clever to get out of there for under ten bucks including a natural colored tee because isn’t that just way better than white? In case I didn’t compete on feathers, at least he’d have a better color of t-shirt showing through. I bought glue sticks and said a little prayer that my trustee old glue gun still worked because no way, no how was I shelling out more dough for this bird. Before kids, I’d been crafty as hell, but after the blessed events, I’d gotten wrapped up in other pastimes, like laundry and flashcards. Good times.

That night I heated up the old gun and started gluing. After about a half hour, I called it good, even if there were a few spots of t-shirt showing through. Judging from the feedback after the dress rehearsal, I should have kept going.

“You forgot the sleeves,” a neighbor girl pointed out.

But my son, always the encourager confided that one kid wore a plain t-shirt. So there you have it. I’m better than at least one mom, and that’s good enough for me.

As I took my seat in the cafeteria, tens of turkeys graced the bleacher stage, some of whom looked like Vegas acts, and others looked like, well, kids being forced out into public with feathers glued to their shirts. My son may not have worn the best costume, but his ‘Turkey Boogie’ blew the others’ out of the barnyard and his essay proved that he is indeed the smartest kid in the school. Ah, sweet redemption.

I just feel sorry for all those competitive PTA moms whose kids had no t-shirt showing through.

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