From One Mouthy Housewife to Another

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!

Signed,

Dubious Room Mom

Read my answer on The Mouthy Housewives

Try These, Too. Pretty Please:

• Confessions of a Dirty Housewife
• 7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA
• Applying MBA Savvy to My Life

Image: spaceoddisey, Flickr

Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)

Dear PTA,

I’m trying to change my ways. (No, I’m not.) Or at least my attitude. (Yeah, right.) Okay, you’re right. Against my better judgment, I’ll just tell you the truth. There are a few things you should know.

You should know that…

As is my policy with all charitable causes, I will TOTALLY get behind your projects that I think are worthy, and the stupid ones that give me an opportunity to drink too much and get my picture taken with wicked black eyeliner in a nice dress. I will also fight like a Mother against anything I feel is immoral or unethical that is being conducted in mine or my child’s name. For stuff I deem just plain lame, I will, for the most part, leave you alone.

You should know that…

Because I spend enough time devoted to my children already I’m a reluctant participant in any of your clipboard-worthy activities. However, I will be a dutiful worker bee. That’s right, after you ask me two or three times I will be happy to work a shift or bake a cake or whatever else it is that chips away at the greater good. I will show up with a smile and I won’t even spend the entire time talking smack about the other PTA parents. Not the whole time, anyway.

You should know that…

I wrote a book called, Blacklisted from the PTA. There are two little pages out of more than 240 in which I encourage other moms to become pariahs among their various PTA communities. It was just a joke. A true joke. A manifesto of sorts. But I pinky promise not to undermine any of your [worthy] efforts. (See above.) I will even donate copies of my book to help raise money for your very most worthiest causes. See? I’m nice!

You should know that…

I can’t volunteer for anything with the words “field” or “monitor” in the job description. Because these invariably involve other people’s children and the thing is, I don’t like them. It’s just the two kids I’m fond of–the ones I so generously birthed–and a handful of their friends. And I have small hands. Believe me, I’m doing us all a favor by declining any student-related duties up front. Kids never believe my “I’ll smack you in the head” threats until it’s too late. Who needs a lawsuit, right?

And finally, you should know…

I don’t do yogurt lids, aluminum can tabs, or box tops. This is non-negotiable.

Honestly, PTA, it’s nothing personal. Some of my best friends are PTA Queens. So keep those guilt-inducing emails coming. I’ll respond, I’ll sign your clipboard, I’ll do my part.

Eventually.

Sincerely,

Worker Bee Me

If This Made You Grin, Try These:

• Blacklisted From the PTA, the Google Search
• Drive a Mile in My Minivan
• 7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA

This post was written as part of the I Support My School, MY Way campaign, sponsored by VolunteerSpot.com, a free online sign-up sheet tool for busy parents–who are into that sort of thing. No compensation was provided, so feel free to buy my book. Come on, it’s not like I’m asking you to pull a shift at Field Day. And enter to win big in the Volunteer Spot Facebook Sweepstakes!

Image: mscaprikell, Flickr

Trotting Out My Turkey

This is the November edition of the print version of After the Bubbly, an award winning family humor column. If you’d like to see it in a local publication, let me know and I’ll do my best to get it there!

In the third grade my son’s class put on a Thanksgiving program. Imagine my pride at having him appear as both a turkey and a rapper and read the essay he wrote about being thankful for his education. We value overachievement here. As it turned out, he wasn’t the only one expected to perform.

Two weeks before the show, I received a note from the music teacher saying that because my child had been chosen to be a turkey, I needed to cover a white t-shirt completely with feathers. Use a hot glue gun, it said. The tone had a distinct air of condescension: if you’re not able to make the costume, please call the music teacher. That’s a dare if I’ve ever heard one.

I’m not too interested in competing with other moms via my child, but I’m also not one to back down from a challenge. I skipped off like a good mommy to Hobby Lobby where an entire aisle is devoted to feathers. These are not cheap, especially the turkey-appropriate colors like brown, white, and black. How badly could a fuchsia and chartreuse turkey stand out from the crowd anyway? I compromised, buying one packet of the good feathers and a value pack for filler.

I also bought a natural colored t-shirt because I figured that might make up for my feather scrimping. At least if I ran out of feathers he’d have a turkey-ish color showing through. I bought glue sticks and said a little prayer that my trusty glue gun still worked, because no way was I buying another one of those. At the register I smirked at my ability to get out of there for under ten bucks.

That night I waited impatiently for the glue to melt in the barrel of my ancient gun and started sticking. I attached a few feathers to my own shirt and burned off some fingerprints, but overall I rocked the turkey shirt. After about a half hour, I called it good, even if there were a few spots of natural showing through.

Judging from the feedback I received the next day after the dress rehearsal, I should have kept going. 

“You forgot the sleeves,” a neighbor girl noticed. As if turkey legs have feathers. Sheesh.

My son, ever the encourager, pointed out that one kid wore a plain t-shirt. Plain! I’d done a better job than at least one mom. That was good enough for me. 

On show day, as I took my seat in the cafeteria, tens of turkeys graced the bleacher stage. Some of them looked like Vegas acts and others looked like, well, kids being forced out in public with feathers glued to their shirts. My son may not have been the most attractive fowl, but his ‘Turkey Boogie’ blew the others’ out of the barnyard and his essay proved that he is one smart bird.

I just feel sorry for all those competitive moms whose kids had no t-shirt showing through.

Pass the Bubbly: Green Ink and Links

Okay, so I need a little help today. First, the light green header and link ink – is it annoying or is that just my you’re-almost-forty-who-are-you-trying-to-kid eyes? Second, are you enjoying these links? Because I’ll tell you what – if you think it’s just my sorry way of slacking off and not writing a post then we are on exactly the same wave length.

However, turns out it takes far more time for me to choose and post links than to rattle off some smart mouthed comment or humiliating detail of my children’s lives. So just let me know, please. If you like the links, I’ll add more. And if not, well I’ll just have to find another way to spend my mornings…..

In the meantime, check out these funny women:

• When Jessica’s daughter goes away for a week, she tries to spice up her pathetic life with some domestic projects and unsuccessful fliration. Similarly, with my kids away at day camp, I am finding myself wasting the days on watching reality shows on MTV. And we all know those are not the good ones.
• New advice site Mouthy Housewivesis great. And it ain’t no Dear Abby. Both Wendi Aarons and Jessica Bern, who I link to a lot, contribute to this sassy online advice column.
• Ah… marriage… what would we be without our significant others to tell us just how ridiculous we really are? Wendi Aarons may be a hypochondriac, but as long as we all get a laugh out of it, I say it’s healthy.
• Sugar knows how to camp, right out back in the community garden. Okay, so she was just testing out the tent. But I really like this post because it reminds me of our recent camping debacle that climaxed in our driving home from the lake at midnight. I’m sure nothing like that will happen to Sugar Jones.
• The Homesteading Housewife has a cautionary tale to anyone who has passed through the grocery store doors to pick up ‘just a few things’ refusing the cart and the basket. Bad things can happen. Prosecutable things.
• I absolutely cannot wait to hear Crazy Texas Mommy’s adventures in PTA. Watch out ladies, Candance has signed the clipboard.

7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA

You hate the PTA. Admit it. You’d rather clean out the drain than volunteer for field day or bake muffins for all those ungrateful teachers. But someone’s got to do it, right? Much as you cannot stand the thought of one more silent auction, you don’t want to be that mom – the slacker who doesn’t care enough about the social and educational future of her children to get her lazy ass down to the cafeteria for the float committee meeting.

Instead of actually having to say no, wouldn’t it be easier to get kicked right out of the PTA? Now you can. I can help.

Here are 7 surefire techniques for getting banned from the PTA forever:

#1 – Pass out peanuts.
Peanuts in public schools are like anthrax in Washington. Distribute peanut M&Ms to the kids in your charge at the petting zoo and you’ll never organize another field trip.

#2 – Get a job.
This is a drastic step, but if you miss enough of those 10:am meetings, you’ll never be asked to join another committee. Bonus: for this technique to work, you don’t actually have to get a job, but merely convince others that you have.

#3 – Botch the bulletin board.
You will eventually be asked to create an adorable bulletin board made of QTips or stunning botanical scenery for the second grade musical. Creating a horrid piece of artwork should be easy so if you’re in a hurry to get the boot, volunteer for this.

#4 – Show off your tramp stamp.
There is nothing to get mouths a-gaping like a little ink below the waist line. Strategic use of low rise jeans can insulate you from years of fall carnival shifts, spaghetti socials, and any other event that would put you in proximity of any Mr. PTAs.

#5 – Buy the wrong color.
It doesn’t matter what it is – balloons, paper plates, napkins – go against the committee’s ruling on a particular nuance of forest green and you can kiss your PTA career goodbye.

#6 – Piss off the Queen.
Work with your personality to find the most effective way to enrage the PTA Queen. It’s important to understand that PTA Queens often operate outside the official hierarchy of the PTA system. Learn who they are, irritate them, and go on with your merry non-PTA existence.

#7 – Embezzle the funds.
This is perhaps the most drastic step of all, but in many cases can result not only in your being shunned from the PTA, but every other well-meaning, time-sucking volunteer organization in town.

Keep all these in mind next time you stroll your happy little self down to the PTA meeting. Because really, aren’t they all a little easier than just saying no?

Have you been blacklisted from the PTA? We need your tips! Please help your fellow moms by sharing in the comments below!

More of My PTA Experience:

How Many Parents Does It Take to Make the 5th Grade Homecoming Float? – In a moment of weakness I volunteered for the 5th grade homecoming float committee. I know – the 5th grade has a homecoming float?

PTA Challenged – The day before the Thanksgiving musical, after the dress rehearsal, I got some feedback that maybe my son’s turkey costume wasn’t exactly the best in show.

Room Mother at Last – No one believed I could do it, but this post proves I did. And once is enough, right?

Image Credit: Marlon Hammes, Flickr

How Many Parents Does it Take to Make the 5th Grade Homecoming Float?

In a moment of weakness I volunteered for the 5th grade homecoming float committee. I know – the 5th grade has a homecoming float? There’s a long tradition in our town that the 5th graders participate in the high school homecoming parade. And when I say the ’5th graders participate’, it’s code for the ‘parents of the 5th graders compete’.

I attended two homecoming float committee meetings where I tried to keep quiet while no less than 8 women talked at the same time. In case you can’t tell by the tone of this blog, I’m not exactly a wallflower. I tend to speak up. However, I remind you – this is PTA stuff and I am afraid. Despite the chaos, the mob actually came up with a pretty good design and we planned to get the kids together on Sunday to work on it.

Okay, so by work on it, apparently we meant let the hormonal little beasts run around like wild dogs and eat the hostess out of Fritos and Gatorade. (They also spent a meager amount of time taping out football field lines and making posters with tempera paint.) Again, during the workday I tried to keep quiet. Because really – what do I know about floats? Nada. School spirit? I got nothin‘.

I listened to serious and necessary discussions about tissue paper vs. napkins, glitter vs. paint, and the many uses of hay bales. Pretty soon my confidence grew and I suggested to the parent designing the support frame that we use PVC pipe. However, he was a man and promptly shrugged off my idea. At one point I asked a friend to please shoot me in the head if I ever volunteered to head up the float committee, or any other PTA committee. Give me a cause, a board, a fundraiser, and I’ll make things happen. But when it comes to school, just pass me the glue and glitter and tell me what to do.

At the end of the workday, while our children ran through the street, we dedicated PTA parents met under a tree to review what we’d accomplished and what still needed to be done. The candy bags had been stuffed and the costumes arranged. The banner was located and the cardboard cut. All that was left to do was assemble the frame – out of PVC pipe.