Offshore Pregnancy: The Ultimate in Outsourcing

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about outsourcing, and how we all do it, to whatever extent we can afford. When it comes to outsourcing, few things are more worthy than ‘women’s work’, which is really just all the crap that no one else wants to do. The most obvious example is hiring a housekeeper, but we’ll outsource just about as much as we can get away with. I’m suggesting we bump it up a notch. I say we outsource pregnancy. Read more

Making Babies…. Oh the Glamour!

I had my last baby when I was thirty. And when I say last, I mean that’s it. I won’t be one of those women taking prenatal vitamins and Boniva at the same time. I don’t have the energy. I waited until the ripe old age of twenty-eight to have my first child, then followed up with a second only twenty-two months later. I had to work quickly because way back then we were afraid to get pregnant after thirty-five. A lot has changed in the last ten years. Pregnancy over forty has become accepted and, if you believe the celebrity photos, easy.

As I inch toward forty, the biological clock still ticks. Instead of have-a-baby-have-a-baby, it now says just-one-more-just-one-more. I fanaticize that if I had another baby, I’d do everything right this time. I would coordinate perfect outfits, put on makeup, and shower every day. I indulge this dream for about a minute before I remember the sleepless nights, continuous feeding, and far-flung emotions. Between post-partum, PMS, and peri-menopause I can’t imagine what older moms are going through. I’m pretty sure if you knocked on their doors at nine in the morning, they wouldn’t be red carpet ready.

Despite the reality of baby rearing, glitz and ease is exactly what we see in those magazines we peek at in line at the grocery store. People may complain that Hollywood glamorizes young pregnancy by holding up Jamie Lynn Spears and Ashlee Simpson as role models, but I’m more offended by the forty-is-the-new-twenty-two celebrities that are selling us regular women a bill of goods.

• Gorgeous Naomi Watts recently gave birth to a second son at age forty. She claims to have lost all her baby weight breastfeeding. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the live in personal chefs and trainers.

• Forty-year-old Australian actress Rachel Griffiths plays an American on Brothers and Sisters. She’s pregnant with her third and like our homegrown celebs, she has a penchant for unique names. She has a son named Banjo. Let’s hope age has wised her up. If not, she may end up with a cute little Fiddle or Harmonica.
• Desperate Housewife Marcia Cross gave birth to twin daughters at age forty-five. Seriously? At least she’ll be able to use her AARP travel discount to take them on their senior trip.
• Supermodel Stephanie Seymour recently had another baby at forty. Paparazzi caught her frolicking in the surf. Is it wrong to hate her? There’s not enough Pilates in the world to get me into a bikini post childbirth – and I started ‘young’.
• Perhaps the wisest is none other than the daughter of the King himself, Lisa Marie Presley. She welcomed twin girls last year. She was forty, but she was prepared. Ms. Presley had two other children 16 and 19 years ago, so now she’s got live-in childcare. That’s what I call planning ahead.

Show me these A-listers at nine o’clock in the morning. Show me these beautiful people frantically chasing down a toddler, trying to get neon poop out of the carpet, and dripping in spit up. Then I’ll be impressed. My advice? If you’re planning to get pregnant over forty, do yourself a favor and cancel your subscription to People magazine.

The Truth About Motherhood

Only a girlfriend will tell you the truth about motherhood. God-willing you have good girlfriends. I devoured the Girlfriends Guide to Pregnancy, which was one of the breakout honest books when it comes to parenting – if you ask me. When I was pregnant with my first, I had a good friend who delivered two months before I did. Her words of wisdom?

You’ll never survive the first two weeks.

It wasn’t technically true. I lived. But that’s the kind of honesty that only a good girlfriend shares. None of this hokey miracle bonding crap. I was still pregnant, but she didn’t stoke my fantasy of Perfect Baby and Perfect Mother.

Then I made some new Mommy Friends and they admitted to spending entire days on the sofa, shouting at infants, crumpling on the kitchen floor over… yes, spilt milk. No, wait – that was me! We are all so very, very flawed. Motherhood just shines a spotlight on all your imperfections.

Can you tell I’m feeling like a stellar mom today? It has been brought to my attention that I yell at the Boy Child every day. Each and every one? Okay, maybe… lately – yes. I have been yelling at him every day. He is driving me insane. Please write and tell me it’s all going to be better soon. Or – the truth. If you’re my girlfriend.

What do you wish a girlfriend had told you?

Mosey over to the Parent Bloggers Network this weekend to find out what other mothers are saying.

For New Mamas

In honor of my friend SA and the new Baby Girl she’s expecting soon. (And also because I’ve applied for a blogging job at BumpBelly and wouldn’t I so rock it?) Here’s some unsolicited advice. Okay, some MORE unsolicited advice.

How and When to Stop Breastfeeding

The Truth About Labial Adhesions

How to Choose a Biblical Baby Name

How to Cope With Breastfeeding Challenges

How to Record Your Child’s Life in Words

Breast Care 101 For Nursing Mothers

Momma Knows: Bumbo Baby Seats

How to Start Bottle Feeding Your Baby

Cord Blood: Private Banking vs. Public Donation

Power of the Baby Playgroup