If Charlie Sheen Lived on My Cul-De-Sac

I think Charlie Sheen is or is soon-to-be broke, and he obviously needs some down time. Perhaps what is best for him is to settle into a nice, quiet, suburban neighborhood for a while. Mine’s as good as any, with plenty of undervalued five-bedroom houses for sale. That’s plenty of room for the kids, the entourage, the hookers and blow. I’m giddy at the prospect.

If Charlie Sheen lived on my cul-de-sac:

~ block parties would be fun again.
~ his yard would look both bitchin’ and gnarly, BUT
~ he would SO get written up for not bringing in his trash bins.
~ we could all stop trying to get high off Ritalin and Nyquil.
~ I would ask him to tutor my kids in Greek mythology. Hello? Adonis DNA? Beds goddesses?
~ he could teach the rest of us how to deal with fools and trolls.
~ I would stop bugging the doctor next door to call in prescriptions and get Charlie to cure my Strep with his brain.
~ a LOT of people would be praying for him. A lot.

Most importantly, if Charlie Sheen lived on my cul-de-sac
~ I would no longer be the last person invited to the carpool.

Don’t tell me Sheen wouldn’t fit in here in Suburbia. His life is perfect, remember? Just like all of ours.

The Time Has Come for a Boo Gift Registry

For the past several years, I’ve been an Boo Basket proponent. I stuff the baskets, ring the doorbells, and run like mad. If you’re not familiar with the Boo, it’s simply a fun way to spread some Halloween joy around your neighborhood by leaving a little basket of goodies under cover of darkness. The basket comes with instructions for the next person to continue the Boo and a little sign for the door to let people know they’ve been Boo’d. However, it can get complicated.

Say for example you’ve gone to the store to get just the right supplies for your neighbor who has a baby, a toddler, and two dogs, but minutes before you’re set to Boo and run, you notice they’ve been Boo’d by someone else. Now you have to start all over and there’s a lot to consider when making up a Boo basket. Once you figure out what to put in it, you’ve got to determine just which of your neighbors to Boo who will keep the chain going. Because God forbid you Boo a Boo Killer! And even when things go smoothly, there’s the problem of competition. No one wants to give the crappy Boo basket. Therefore the goodies get more and more extravagant each year.

That’s why next year I propose a Boo Gift Registry. Let’s take this thing online to solve the problems of being beaten to the Boo, accidentally Booing non-participatory neighbors, and making it abundantly clear what you’d like to receive in your Boo basket. Who’s in?