When You Want to Run Away

This is the September edition of the print version of After the Bubbly, an award winning family humor column. If you’d like to see it in a local publication, let me know and I’ll do my best to get it there!

When I was a kid I never wanted to run away and join the circus. Now that I’m older, I get it. Although it’s not my dream to tame lions or become the bearded lady, I understand the lure of escaping to some exotic life where the tightrope you walk is literal as opposed to the figurative balancing act we do here in the world of diapers, homework, and ear infections.

My mother tells a story about her mother, who would tell her children that if they didn’t behave she would run off to Tucumcari, New Mexico and they’d never find her. To which my mother calmly responded that they most certainly would find her – in Tucumcari, New Mexico.

Mom shouted similar warnings to my brother and I as kids. She would run away and never return. We didn’t have reason to believe her empty threats, but then again, you never knew. Moms are crazy like that. Our mothers and grandmothers didn’t mess with balance – work-life or otherwise. They didn’t have spa days or antidepressants or Oprah. They just woke up in the morning and did what needed doing. And if they lost it once in a while, well, they were entitled.

Genetics notwithstanding, I have yet to issue such a circus-running-off sort of threat. I prefer short periods of actual escape to fantasies of long-term flight. Running off for weekend writing classes and conferences recharges my depleted mama batteries and gives me strength to face the days of infinite laundry and incessant requests for Nintendo DS cartridges. I schedule my respites months in advance and write them on the calendar – in pen. In Sharpie even.

My retreats may not be as exciting as swallowing swords, but for me, some quality time with a spiral notebook and a half decent pen is usually enough to return equilibrium. And if it’s not, I run off to yoga class, where we make like a tree and stand on one leg, or rest our thighs upon our biceps. That’s balance. These are the things that keep me from losing it.

So next time you’re tempted to run away and join the circus, remember that you can juggle fire in your own kitchen and rig up a tightrope in your backyard. Just make sure you wait until after you’ve finished all that other balancing  – you know, the checkbook, the food groups, and the quality time spent with each child.

And if you hear of any writers’ meetings in Tucumcari, New Mexico, don’t come looking for me.

Lela Davidson is a Northwest Arkansas writer seeking to balance life, love, and laundry with a husband, two children, a dog, and an ever-changing number of fish. Read more at www.afterthebubbly.com.

Date Night Etiquette

Have you been slacking off in the date night department? If your idea of romance includes any type of foldable chair and/or canned beverages, the answer is yes. Don’t worry, I’m here to hook you up with a primer on dating etiquette. What would you do without me?

Check out Chasing Date Night Goes Back to School in this month’s Peekaboo – or follow the link!

Would You Sell Your Sex Life for $20?

 

The following classified recently ran in my local paper:

Needed for research
University of Arkansas – Psych. Dep. seeks romantic couples to participate in interviews on relationship and sexual satisfaction. Couples will get $20 gift cards. 

Whoa, now. Twenty bucks? How romantic do you suppose a couple would have to be to consider this a date night activity? And where do you think the gift card is redeemable? Harp’s? One can only hope it’s a pre-paid Visa.

I wonder if the couples will have make up sex after the fight over how to spend the $20.

Sounds like a follow up interview.

Compliment Insurance

Last Sunday we’re all sitting around eating dinner – my husband, the kids, and me.

What do you have going on this week, my husband wants to know.

Oh – you know, the usual: writing, going to the pool, a new client meeting – oh, and I’m getting my hair cut on Tuesday.

He turns to me and says, Great. Just in case I don’t mention it later, let me take this opportunity to tell you that your hair — it looks great.

Again with the romance. It’s really heating up this summer.

Passing the Clipboard

Last week my kids started musical theatre camp. Maybe you don’t like showtunes, maybe you do – not my business – but my kids do. And once you’ve seen your nine-year-old daughter belting out the Sally Bowles numbers from Cabaret, you’ll do just about anything to get some new songs into that head of hers.

So there we are, the kids, my husband and I, at the mandatory parent meeting (oh yeah, mandatory – these theatre people are serious) and they started passing the clipboards around. Personally, I never really met a clipboard I didn’t like so I had to check out where to put my name.

Costumes? No, didn’t want to prick my finger. Set design? Please – the curtains I took down in February so that my husband could repair the baseboard, which he did – in March? Still down. So I was pretty happy to see the Back Stage Parent list going around. Here was a way to stay plugged into the process and get some serious face time with the kids. And all I had to do was show up every single day the second week of camp and come early and stay late for both performances. Piece of cupcake!

You’re not doing that, said the Man.

Why not?

Did you see here where it says you won’t be able to watch the show?

I’ll buy the DVD.

You need to sit with me.

Awwwww. But they really need people. You’ll be okay.

It’s for both nights. Did you see that?

Yeah, so? You won’t have to come both nights.

So who’s going to sit with me at the bar?

We high-fived and I passed the clipboard. That’s romance.

Pass the Bubbly: Green Ink and Links

Okay, so I need a little help today. First, the light green header and link ink – is it annoying or is that just my you’re-almost-forty-who-are-you-trying-to-kid eyes? Second, are you enjoying these links? Because I’ll tell you what – if you think it’s just my sorry way of slacking off and not writing a post then we are on exactly the same wave length.

However, turns out it takes far more time for me to choose and post links than to rattle off some smart mouthed comment or humiliating detail of my children’s lives. So just let me know, please. If you like the links, I’ll add more. And if not, well I’ll just have to find another way to spend my mornings…..

In the meantime, check out these funny women:

• When Jessica’s daughter goes away for a week, she tries to spice up her pathetic life with some domestic projects and unsuccessful fliration. Similarly, with my kids away at day camp, I am finding myself wasting the days on watching reality shows on MTV. And we all know those are not the good ones.
• New advice site Mouthy Housewivesis great. And it ain’t no Dear Abby. Both Wendi Aarons and Jessica Bern, who I link to a lot, contribute to this sassy online advice column.
• Ah… marriage… what would we be without our significant others to tell us just how ridiculous we really are? Wendi Aarons may be a hypochondriac, but as long as we all get a laugh out of it, I say it’s healthy.
• Sugar knows how to camp, right out back in the community garden. Okay, so she was just testing out the tent. But I really like this post because it reminds me of our recent camping debacle that climaxed in our driving home from the lake at midnight. I’m sure nothing like that will happen to Sugar Jones.
• The Homesteading Housewife has a cautionary tale to anyone who has passed through the grocery store doors to pick up ‘just a few things’ refusing the cart and the basket. Bad things can happen. Prosecutable things.
• I absolutely cannot wait to hear Crazy Texas Mommy’s adventures in PTA. Watch out ladies, Candance has signed the clipboard.

Exploiting the Male Brain For Fun and Profit

Man: Blah, blah, blah.
Woman: The way I see it [insert original thought here].
Man: [without acknowledging woman] Yada, yada, yada.

*1 hour later*

Woman: Blah, blah, blah.
Man: The way I see it [insert woman's original thought here].
Woman: [speechless]

It is not their fault. This is the way the male brain works. In that one hour (or five minutes or three days or whatever) their little synapses are working out a way to convince the male that he actually came up with the thought on his own. I repeat: he cannot help it. So instead of letting it bother us, let’s learn to work with the male brain. Surely there has to be a way to use this knowledge to make them clean up their own crumbs and decide we are far too busy to cook for them.

I have no idea how to actually make this happen. Suggestions?

Dating Advice For Old Married People

If you’re in NWA, you can read my pearly wisdom every month in the Chasing Date Night column in Peekaboo. (In addition to After the Bubbly, of course.) And if you’re far away, or if you missed a few, or you just don’t leave the house long enough to traipse into your local Starbucks, here’s a sample:

Top 5 Ways to Date Yourself – And before you even comment, let me remind you this is a family publication.

The Birthday Date… Mix It Up

Resolve to Court Novelty

Frugal Romance

Taking the Scary Out of Halloween Date Night – Out of season, but one of my favorites anyway.

Top 10 Stupid Date Night Ideas

Congratulations! You May Not Be Getting a Divorce

We’ve all heard that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. (And the other half – well I guess it’s death right? That’s good, as long as it’s not homicide.)

According to Betsey Stevenson assistant professor of business and public policy at University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School (WHARTON people!) we’re all wrong. The divorce rate has been falling in the United States since 1979 and couples marrying today are less likely to divorce compared to their parents’ generation.

Stevenson says:

“The ubiquitous 50 percent divorce rate is unlikely to ever be true for
those who married in the past few decades. For many of these folks, their
divorce rates so far have fallen substantially compared with previous
generations. Different types of people face different divorce rates
historically.”

The study found that the younger you marry, the greater your likelihood of divorcing. Well duh!

Anyway… now you can plus in a few factors at Divorce 360 and find out your likelihood of getting divorce in the next five years. The calculator accounts for the evolution of a marriage.

So what’s up with that 50% stat? Turns out the divorce rate after 30 years of marriage is above 50 percent for some groups (although it’s much lower for others), in part because those who married younger in life have higher divorce rates. Highly educated people who married later in life have the lowest likelihood of divorce. Interesting, maybe they’re just closer to death?

Here’s my favorite quote from Stevenson:

“All marriages end either by divorce or by death. The downside of
living longer is a greater probability of divorce as a marriage outcome.”

So it’s either divorce or death? Hmmmm…. there’s a toughie.

And the biggest bummer: the likelihood of divorcing does not end after 25 years of marriage! People are often surprised to hear stories of their friends or family divorcing after 25 or more years of marriage. But the calculator shows that divorce continues as marriage progresses, even if it does start to slow down. You’d think after that long you’d be set!

I’m sure you’re dying to know… so I’ll tell you…. according to the calculator my husband and I have a 7% chance of divorcing in the next five years. That’s pretty optimistic. However, there weren’t any questions about snoring, remote controls, or toilet seats involved – so it’s really anyone’s guess.

Priceless Marriage Moment

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