Spring Cleaning the Children’s Suite – It’s No Earth Day Up There

My kids have the entire upstairs of our house to themselves. Two bedrooms, and adjoining bathroom, and a bonus room big enough to store all their toys, craft supplies, video games, fish, and apparently a landfill’s worth of garbage. Yes, four bags to be precise. And that last bag – the chock full bursting at the seams bag? That’s the one I filled after the kids both assured me that there was NO garbage, at all, none, zero, zip, left up there. I knew better.

I don’t know why my children – the same children who throw a fit if they see me toss anything remotely recyclable into the trash, the same children who recently pressed my husband to call for his company to use only recycled plastics, the same children who won’t let me leave the water running for more than 6 seconds at a shot – create so much trash.

And I know, yeah, yeah it’s my fault. But really it’s not because I don’t buy them all the crap that ends up clogging their rooms so that one whole half of my house looks like the opening scene of Wall-E. Between the school treasure boxes, the award certificates they get for merely showing up and breathing at practically anything, competing grandparents, and their friends’ ever increasingly generous birthday goodie bags – we’ve got a load of mess up there! Happy Earth Day!

Among the typical empty candy wrappers, spit laden gobstoppers, wadded up tissue, inkless pens, and toys that don’t work, I found unidentified underwear, fishnet stockings for the Whore Barbie, and a pee-scented sleeping bag wadded into a closet.

Spring cleaning: magical.

If I Had Tweeted My Labor

OMG! Just started timing contractions. Totally on schedule. This is going to be soooo great. Can’t wait to start breathing exercises!

*

Contractions are starting to hurt. Husband wants to go to the hospital but I’m calling the doula. Need to labor at home a while.

*

Damn this hurts! Breathing not bringing the relief I thought it would. Cramps are WAY worse than in the pictures.

*

Couldn’t wait for doula to show. Threw up en route to the hospital. Husband is totally freaking out.

*

Trying to Tweet in the tub w/o *ing up my iPhone. Is it normal to sound like a hurt cow?

*

The comfort of water is over-rated. The tub is now freezing but it hurts too bad to move. WTF? Who thought of this?

*

Okay – way better now. Taking drugs. Something with ‘cain’ at the end took the edge off. Waiting for my epidural!!!!

*

ROTFLMAO – Dr. Feelgood just asked if I was in the middle of a contraction! Ha! I’ll show him a contraction!

*

Epidurals=NOT overrated!! Doula is helping me get into soothing positions, just tried to sneak me a granola bar.

*

9 1/2? 9 1/2? WTF is 9 1/2? When is this *ing monster going to get the hell out of there? Seriously, suck this thing out NOW!

*

Totally should have gotten that one final pedicure.

*

Okay, fine. I give up. They’re shaving me now. We’re going to get this kid out one way or another. Okay – the other way…

*

Does anyone speak anesthesiologist? What part of ‘Yes, I can feel that’ is so hard to understand?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

*

Something just popped. What was that? Gotta go, face mask is coming and they’re making me count. 10, 9, 8, 7, …..

Got Bedtime?

Sometimes our kids come up with ways to get out of things that we simple can’t argue with. In our house my oldest is a genius at extending the bedtime.

It started happening about six months ago. My little angel just happened to need go to the bathroom every night at precisely eight-o-clock. Numero dos.

Mom! I can’t help it. It’s not my fault. I’m on a schedule!

You can’t fight a finely tuned set of bowels. You wouldn’t even want to try.

Oh how I envy those parents who get their kids to go to sleep with a drink of water or a night light.

What about you? What do your kids do to get out of bedtime? Parent Bloggers wants to know and so do I!

Need a Laugh? Jessica Bern is Larry David on Estrogen

When you need a laugh – and when don’t you need a laugh – check out Jessica Bern’s video series on YouTube, starting here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE3Yl-pLpOw. Watch Jessica tell all to her therapist.

(Midwest and Southern girls: Don’t worry, ‘therapist’ is just our coastie sisters’ word for best girlfriend. Or that friend who always fills your glass.)

Just make sure the kids aren’t around or you’ll have some splainin’ to do.

Me: [enjoying video] That was a bad word.
Boy: Yeah, I know.
Me: Don’t say that, okay?
Boy: Yeah. Can you help me with my homework?
Me: Can’t you see I’m working? [resume enjoying video] There goes another one.
Boy: I know, MOM.
Me: Okay, just so you know.
Boy: How exactly is this part of your writing ‘work’?
Me: Do your homework.

Responsible Kids in 5 Easy Steps

I came across this information from “highly successful, pioneering educator and child development specialist”, Joy Berry. She espouses a philosophy that parents’ job is to “help children help themselves so they can become responsible for their own lives.” I totally agree. What I’m not too sure about are her Five Musts for Raising Responsible Children. What do you think?

• Parents need to begin transferring control to their children on day two of their lives.
  ~Seriously, Baby, get your own milk.

• A child’s happiness and success belong to the child, not to his or her parents.
  ~Unless they do something really cute – that you taught them.
  
• It is essential that parents empower their child with the proper living skills.
  ~Especially those that will enable the child to support his or her parents’ golden years.
  
• Never use punishment with children; it doesn’t work.
  ~True. Bribery often works better.
  
• One of the most important goals for a parent is to have their child 100% responsible for making their own decisions by age 12.
  Age 12? If we start on Day 2, I’m thinking this job is done by Day 12.
  

Berry says:

“As children become teenagers, they begin to pull away from their parents and want to begin living their own lives. It is imperative that several years before a child leaves the home, that they are fully responsible and are making good decisions. Following these basic steps can really provide children the
tools they need for making all the right choices.”

Really? All the right choices? Dish me up some of that.

Here’s my two cents. Making good decisions is a lifelong endeavor. Where is this utopia in which our children are fully capable of making good decisions at 18, or whenever they leave home? I like Ms. Berry’s ideas in theory, but let’s not set ourselves up for failure. As parents we must accept that this job is forever, that our kids are going to screw up and so are we. It’s life. This kind of ‘perfect’ parenting can make us feel inadequate.

What do you think? What’s your parenting philosophy?

World Records, Family Style

I just peed for 24 seconds.

Excuse me?

It’s a world record.

That you peed for 24 seconds?

My old record was 16 seconds.

You time your pee?

How else would I know when I beat my record?

Teens Need to be Wary of Whooping Cough

So apparently we’re all doing a very good job making sure babies don’t get Pertussis, or Whooping Cough, but the disease is rising among teens. Whoppng Cough outbreaks in adolescents have been on the rise since 1990.

The early stages of Whooping Cough are often mistaken for a cold, but the illness is highly contagious and can cause prolonged sickness in teens. Long term effects include difficulty breathing and prolonged absences from school.

To make sure your teenager is protected, they need to be up to date on the DTP (Disphtheria, Tetanus, and Pertussis) shot. That’s where the breakdown seems to be. According to pediatrician and immunology specialist Dr. Joseph Domachowske at SUNY Upstate Medical University:

“We’re doing a better job protecting our babies than our teens. About 85
percent of infants receive their primary DTaP series before they are 3, but less
than a third of teens 13 to 17 got their recommended booster.”

And the worst of it? Sick teens can infect babies who are still too young to be immunized. Yes, folks, they really need it. Immunity doesn’t last forever.

You can find out more at http://pertussis.com/.

New Birthday Plan: No More Kids’ Parties

Dear Son,

I’m writing to tell you about an exciting change we’ll be making in regard to birthdays this year!

Because this is a big birthday year for me (rhymes with shorty), and because you’re such a big boy now, and frankly because I’m a little worn out with the whole kids’ birthday scene, we’re going to do things a little differently this year. Instead of me spending my time planning, executing, and cleaning up after your birthday party, you’re going to do all that for my birthday. Fun, huh?

First you’re going to help me make a list of all my very best friends. Don’t worry, the guest list won’t get out of hand. You know how I always limit the number of guests at your parties to your age? Same deal. I’ll only be inviting forty friends. And because my friends are slightly geographically diverse, transporting them all to the party could be tricky. But you’ll figure it out. Just like Daddy and I always find a way to shuttle your friends around. I promise my pals will smell better. Most of them anyway.

Aren’t you just dying to know the theme for my party? You know how you’re always begging fr pizza parties and laser tag parties and parties where you eat pizza while riding go-carts and playing laser tag in space? I want a cool party too. That’s why I’ll be going to a spa with my forty friends. (I have NO idea how much this costs, but you might want to start saving your allowance now.)

When you think about it, it’s a pretty good deal for you because it frees you from cooking a bunch of food we might very well a) eat without tasting, b) throw at each other, or c) shove down our throats so fast it makes us sick enough to vomit on the ‘good’ carpet.

After the party of course I’ll expect you to hound me night and day until I write each and every last thank you note. You’ll also need to keep track of my gifts and write down exactly how to word my gratitude to each of my guests.

Finally, when I get bored with all my presents – like a week later – I’m going to be really crabby and whiny. I may refuse to do ordinary tasks like make your dinner and wash your underwear. Don’t take this personally. After all, you’re the one spoiling me rotten! I’m really excited about this year’s birthday plans and so proud of you, my grown up little boy!

If you think I am so hilarious and you’d love to see columns like this in your local newspaper or parenting magazine, let me know. After the Bubbly is available for syndication, cheap.

Top 5 Reasons NOT to Make Your Kids Happy

Finally some really smart guys with letters next to their names have articulated my parenting philosophy. And they probably use much more eloquent language than ‘Clean your room or I will beat you with a stick’. But it’s the same idea.

Aaron Cooper and Eric Keitel have written I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy to teach us all why that’s such a damaging stance. I haven’t read the book – and I probably won’t because I’m more of a feel-my-way kind of mommy. But here are some excellent points they provide on their website. Couldn’t agree more…. (my comments italicized)

1. Youth in Trouble
Research reveals that youth today are more worried, anxious, and depressed than youth in earlier decades. Many factors play a role, but I just want my kids to be happy, the mantra of millions of parents nowadays, may be a leading culprit, shaping children who are less resilient, and more distressed by the ordinary challenges of daily life.

Making them happy is also making them lazy, unaccountable for their actions and basking in an unearned sense of entitlement.

2. What’s for Dinner?
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that families who sit down together for dinner five or more times a week seem to have happier children—less depression, better grades in school, less involvement with drugs and alcohol.

Yes, it’s a pain to make dinner. But it’s not really THAT difficult. We’ve got scientific data – sit, eat, talk!

3. What Happened to Child’s Play?
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that abundant time spent in free, unstructured play, beginning in the earliest years of life, lays a critical foundation for happiness later on. Research shows that kids spend less time engaged in true play compared to generations past, which may compromise their future happiness.

Simplify. No matter how badly we want our children to have (and do) everything we didn’t, there are still only 24 hours in a day. Let them play. (Let yourself play too!)

4. The Myth of Quality Time
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that a child’s happiness in later life—and their healthy emotional development—depends more on the quantity of time spent with a parent than limited chunks of so-called quality time.

I don’t know about this one. I don’t really know what quality time means. What I do know is that if the first 10 are any indication, 18 years goes by really fast. I don’t want to have any regrets. That said, you can overdo it. Trust your gut. If it aches, you’re doing something wrong.

5. Your Teenager Won’t Admit It!
Despite how it may seem—teens holing up in their room with an iPod or on the cell phone, yakking with friends—studies have found that teens themselves admit they’d like more time with parents. Feeling connected to parents is an important dimension of any youngster’s life—it’s an important contributor to a child’s happiness—and teens are no exception.

I’m not here yet, but even as pre-tweens my kids are exhibiting more and more of a whatever attitude. They still want me around, but they want me to know that less and less every day.

Please let me know if you read the book, because I’m sure I won’t. But I do support the ideas and hope they take hold.

Virtual Hand Me Downs Make Stocking the Closet Easier

I thought this was pretty cool.

www.handmedowns.com helps moms buy, sell, give away, or donate their gently used items while saving money and recycling. Instead of surfing through giant, impersonal classified sites like eBay or craigslist, parents can get aggregated kid-stuff listings at handmedowns.com.

Handmedowns.com was founded by a frustrated mom who says:

“The classified sites that were available had some great listings, but were
not designed with parents in mind. Moms are too busy to sift through thousands of listings to find the items they need, especially those in good enough condition for their children. Our goal is to raise the bar for baby & kids classifieds.”

Here’s the catch – Handmedowns.com is currently only available in Atlanta, Austin, Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Orange County, Minneapolis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Portland, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Tampa, and Washington, D.C.

What’s up with that? I thought it was virtual? Someone please help me understand….

« Previous Page — Next Page »