Sass Runs in Packs
by Lela Davidson on November 24, 2009
in Random Amusements
It’s that time again. Links to stuff I like. I have good taste, so go read this stuff. And make sure you tell them Lela sent you!
- Wendi had a bad week. Go cheer her up – she’ll return the favor!
- The Mouthy Housewives (this one is actually Wendi too) gives us the definition of a Cougar. Finally. Now that I’m forty, it’s very important information for me personally.
- And speaking of, who wants to be a Cougar anyway? Not Gretchen Shift. I love this piece on MyPheme, and I wholeheartedly agree. Why would anyone want to be the older woman?
- Don’t forget the fork. Jessica Bern tells why.
Easter, Therapy, and Deadly Legumes
by Lela Davidson on April 15, 2009
in Random Amusements
Here are some of the things that amused me this week.
- Wendi Aarons threw down the new rules for Easter Egg hunts.
- Jessica Bern reminds us to think twice before asking for the credit card customer service manager.
- Sugar Jones implores us to resist the draw of the sexy Peekaroo.
- Munchausen by Peanut – Laura Bennet and the rant I wish I’d written.
Who else should we be reading?
The Case of the Easter Bunny
by Lela Davidson on April 1, 2009
in motherhood, Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
I admit it: I can’t wait until the days when the Easter Bunny no longer hops by our house. It’s not that I don’t like holidays, I just can’t take the pressure of having to be responsible for making them happen. And the trouble with children is that you can’t pull much over on them, especially when they seem to be on the elementary school track for pre-pre-law.
This is the story of one Easter Eve a few years ago. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep amid some low level tension because something just wasn’t quite right. Suddenly I bolted up, frightening my husband out of a sound snore.
“Oh crap!” I said, “I’ve got to do the Easter baskets!” I got up, turned on lights, rummaged through the guest room closet for baskets and candy, and set about making the sweetest little tokens of love from the Easter Bunny. I put them in the kids’ doorways and went back to bed, where the father of my children was sleeping just as peacefully as before my crisis.
In the morning the kids came to our room to show us their loot. My then six-year-old daughter looked up at me with genuine curiosity. “I wonder why the Easter Bunny gave us the same baskets as last year?”
Note: If you’ve been reading this column long, you already know that the Easter Bunny is a touch stingy. She doesn’t really see the point in buying new baskets year after year, and this was the year she decided to test her theory that the kids wouldn’t really notice anyway.
“Mom?” my daughter asked, “Are YOU the Easter Bunny?” Leave it to the little one.
I shook my head and offered up a little snort. “Do I look like I’ve been out all morning hopping around dropping off Easter baskets?”
She eyed me, weighing whether or not to push the matter. She was holding a bag of sugar after all. Finally, the little lawyer-in-training just wouldn’t let it go. “It’s just that you said the Easter Bunny was a girl AND the Easter Bunny knows what kind of books we like AND —-“
Maybe Mommy needed a basket full of Midol. I snapped. “I’m not the Easter Bunny. Okay?”
Everybody backed off the bunny.
When they asked later why the Easter Bunny didn’t give them very much candy this year, I told them maybe she knew they’d be getting a lot of candy at the Easter egg hunt that afternoon.
“Not that I would know,” I added. That was my fatal mistake. If this were a Grisham movie, there would be a close up on me as a bead of sweat made it’s way down my nose.
“Are you sure you’re not the Easter Bunny?” my son asked. His eyes narrowed. “Because usually when people say ‘not that I would know’ it means they know.”
It’s getting hard to come up with smart remarks, but not impossible.
“And usually when a kid asks too many questions about a basket of candy, it means they go to bed early and a monster comes in the night and eats all their candy.”
Case closed.
Image Credit: ButterflySha, Flickr
Like This? Try These:
Dating Advice For Old Married People
by Lela Davidson on March 9, 2009
in Uncategorized
If you’re in NWA, you can read my pearly wisdom every month in the Chasing Date Night column in Peekaboo. (In addition to After the Bubbly, of course.) And if you’re far away, or if you missed a few, or you just don’t leave the house long enough to traipse into your local Starbucks, here’s a sample:
Top 5 Ways to Date Yourself – And before you even comment, let me remind you this is a family publication.
Taking the Scary Out of Halloween Date Night – Out of season, but one of my favorites anyway.
Top 10 Stupid Date Night Ideas
Need a Laugh? Jessica Bern is Larry David on Estrogen
by Lela Davidson on March 4, 2009
in Uncategorized
When you need a laugh – and when don’t you need a laugh – check out Jessica Bern’s video series on YouTube, starting here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nE3Yl-pLpOw. Watch Jessica tell all to her therapist.
(Midwest and Southern girls: Don’t worry, ‘therapist’ is just our coastie sisters’ word for best girlfriend. Or that friend who always fills your glass.)
Just make sure the kids aren’t around or you’ll have some splainin’ to do.
Me: [enjoying video] That was a bad word.
Boy: Yeah, I know.
Me: Don’t say that, okay?
Boy: Yeah. Can you help me with my homework?
Me: Can’t you see I’m working? [resume enjoying video] There goes another one.
Boy: I know, MOM.
Me: Okay, just so you know.
Boy: How exactly is this part of your writing ‘work’?
Me: Do your homework.
Cut Costs This Year, Starting with the Tooth Fairy
by Lela Davidson on January 2, 2009
in Uncategorized
When my daughter lost her first tooth, she was handsomely rewarded by the Tooth Fairy with a crisp dollar bill (which I swiped from my son’s piggy bank, but that’s another story). The next morning she pranced down the stairs, proud of her newfound riches. A whole dollar! She couldn’t have been happier.
A couple days later, her mouth got in the way of two toddlers engaged in a friendly backyard brawl. She ran bleeding and triumphant across the lawn, showing off the fresh gape at the bottom of her Kindergarten smile.
That evening as I put her to bed, she placed the tooth carefully under the pillow.
“Mom?”
“Yes sweetie?” I said, pulling up the sheet and folding it under her chin.
“Some people get more than a dollar.”
She hesitated before answering. “Well… some people get toys.” She was shy – or was it calculating. Then she added, “Ella got $20!”
Twenty bucks? For a tooth? No wonder the economy’s in such a mess.
I told my daughter that I didn’t know anything about the official Tooth Fairy payment schedule, but that her brother had always gotten $1 from the irrepressible imp and she ought to expect the same.
Not to deprive the Tooth Fairy of her mission in life, but consider for a moment where this leads. You let the Tooth Fairy drop twenty dollars a pop and then what about the Easter Bunny? He’s not going to be upstaged by some flighty chick who doesn’t even merit her own holiday. Before you know it the gold bunny will be made of actual gold. Poor Santa’s already on the hook for plenty. Let this kind of spending go unchecked and mark my words next year you’ll be pulling out a home equity loan for school clothes. If you can get a loan that is.
Bottom line: It’s a tooth, not an accomplishment. If your kid complains, blame it on the Fairy.
What Passes For Funny These Days
by Lela Davidson on June 24, 2008
in Uncategorized
Last night my 10-year-old son put a post-it on his dad’s back while we were cleaning the kitchen.
Kick me.
Some jokes never get old. And they work at different levels. The kids think they are the originators of this hilarity and I get to crack up at my husband, who doesn’t yet know what’s going on, but is laughing at me laughing. We all get to kick.
Then we take turns with the post-it, slapping it on each other’s backs and wrestling it off. And kicking.
Of course, these things often don’t end well.
Settle down now, kids, my husband finally says.
Mom’s gonna pee.
Satire For Geeks
by Lela Davidson on June 11, 2008
in Uncategorized
Speaking of award-winning humorists… If you like satire, particularly of the business variety, then check out Capitalist Banter. I especially like the one on the outsourcing of spanking!
Speaking of spanking, where you do stand on the debate?
PS – You may not want to Google spanking, as I did in preparation for this post. Or you may. Your choice. Consider yourself warned.
Lela Davidson, Award Winning Humorist
by Lela Davidson on June 10, 2008
in Uncategorized
I’m thinking of defining a new title for myself. What do you all think of Award Winning Humorist. I’m a humorist, right? And I’ve won awards for sure. Why, just last week I took home the coveted Perfect Attendance award from the Junior League.
The thing about the writing business is that the business part is just as important as the writing bit. It’s very important for writers to have a platform. We need to market ourselves and promote our work. If there is time, in the wee hours of the night, we write. Who knew?
I’m still trying to figure out how to get Oprah’s producers to notice me. Maybe my new title will help.
Welcome To The Nail Saron
by Lela Davidson on February 27, 2008
in Uncategorized
Hands down, the best YouTube I’ve ever been forwarded. Thanks AR!
