To the Squirrel

Hey there, little fella. You there, with the nut, zipping along my fence line, climbing onto the gutter and scuttling across my roof to get into my attic God knows how. I’ve got news for you.

You’re going to die.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but here’s the thing – I’m warning you. So when you find yourself inside that metal cage we’re going to put on the fence, the one that you’re too stupid to avoid on account of your brain is so very tiny – don’t say I didn’t tell you so. And don’t be mad at me either. You don’t pay any portion of my mortgage, you don’t use any portion of my house.

If you persist, you must die.

Or you could just make like a squirrel….  and live in a tree.

Your choice.

Suburban Housewife Rap

I can’t get this out of my head so I had to share it with you. And if you don’t live in the suburbs, let me assure you, it’s all true.

Are We Done Living Green Yet?

Is it just me or are the rest of you about over this whole ‘green living’ thing? I mean really. How natural are we supposed to be? It’s just a lot of stress is all.

That said, the one change I’ve been trying to make (not too successfully I don’t mind adding) is in the area of cleaning products. And not even so much to be green, I just think it’s sort of ridiculous that we have to buy all this special stuff to clean our homes. Is the dirt today that different than the dirt a hundred years ago when all they had was a jug of vinegar, some baking soda, and a whole lotta elbow grease?

Ranting aside, I have as yet been unable to make all my own cleaning products. (I told you I was over it!) So the next best thing is natural store bought stuff. I swear by Mrs. Meyers.

This week Parent Bloggers is helping SC Johnson get the word out about Nature’s Source cleaners, which is another off-the-shelf cleaner with natural ingredients. No matter what you choose, I think it’s a wonderful thing that we’re getting better ingredients in everything we buy.

Because let’s face it, we’re going to buy most of it. Unless you’re homesteading out on a farm somewhere, life is just too busy to be making your own furniture wax and baking cookies from scratch. Honestly!

Now gardening…. that’s something I’d like to try.

How Do You Like Your Toast?

My son and I like our English muffins toasted once on 10 – twice.
My daughter and husband like to eat warm bread.
You can imagine the conflict.

And because I found this photo on Flickr, I now know we’re not alone.

Image Credit: adamadamjinj, Flickr

New Birthday Plan: No More Kids’ Parties

Dear Son,

I’m writing to tell you about an exciting change we’ll be making in regard to birthdays this year!

Because this is a big birthday year for me (rhymes with shorty), and because you’re such a big boy now, and frankly because I’m a little worn out with the whole kids’ birthday scene, we’re going to do things a little differently this year. Instead of me spending my time planning, executing, and cleaning up after your birthday party, you’re going to do all that for my birthday. Fun, huh?

First you’re going to help me make a list of all my very best friends. Don’t worry, the guest list won’t get out of hand. You know how I always limit the number of guests at your parties to your age? Same deal. I’ll only be inviting forty friends. And because my friends are slightly geographically diverse, transporting them all to the party could be tricky. But you’ll figure it out. Just like Daddy and I always find a way to shuttle your friends around. I promise my pals will smell better. Most of them anyway.

Aren’t you just dying to know the theme for my party? You know how you’re always begging fr pizza parties and laser tag parties and parties where you eat pizza while riding go-carts and playing laser tag in space? I want a cool party too. That’s why I’ll be going to a spa with my forty friends. (I have NO idea how much this costs, but you might want to start saving your allowance now.)

When you think about it, it’s a pretty good deal for you because it frees you from cooking a bunch of food we might very well a) eat without tasting, b) throw at each other, or c) shove down our throats so fast it makes us sick enough to vomit on the ‘good’ carpet.

After the party of course I’ll expect you to hound me night and day until I write each and every last thank you note. You’ll also need to keep track of my gifts and write down exactly how to word my gratitude to each of my guests.

Finally, when I get bored with all my presents – like a week later – I’m going to be really crabby and whiny. I may refuse to do ordinary tasks like make your dinner and wash your underwear. Don’t take this personally. After all, you’re the one spoiling me rotten! I’m really excited about this year’s birthday plans and so proud of you, my grown up little boy!

If you think I am so hilarious and you’d love to see columns like this in your local newspaper or parenting magazine, let me know. After the Bubbly is available for syndication, cheap.

Stuff That Should Be in Your Emergency Kit

In light of the ice storm that has me stuck in the house for the third day in a row, I’m realizing that that emergency preparation is definitely not my strong point. Creating a good emergency kit has been ‘on my list’ for years. It just doesn’t ever seem to move to the top of the list. We’ve been extraordinarily lucky here in that we only lost power for 14 hours, but many of my friends haven’t been so lucky and if I were in their shoes right now, well lets just say those shoes would be very cold.

Stuff to include in your emergency kit:

Matches – I can’t believe I don’t have matches in the house either. And those little gas lighter thingys? Who knew they actually RAN OUT of gas?

Clothing & Shoes – Luckily we went skiing at Christmas and still haven’t gotten around to putting everything away. While it was great to have long underwear at the ready when the heat was off, it would have been nice to have snow boots accessible for getting some fresh air outside.

Red Wine – How does a person run out of vino just as an ice storm hits? It’s incomprehensible!

Tea Lights – These little suckers have saved my life! Lots of light without smelling up house with conflicting scented candles. I have all kinds of glass holders, but you can also put them on plates.

Food – Luckily my pantry is pretty well stocked and I have a gas stove so I could still be cooking even without power. (Oh yeah, the Walmart ran out of milk. So all those nuts who stock up on ‘neccesities’ before a storm? Not so nutty after all.

Radio – It’s important to have a battery-powered radio (with batteries charged!) that is strong enough to pick up something other than angry conservative talk shows.

Phone with Internet - My iPhone has saved my life. Even with the power back on, my internet was still out. Facebook and Twitter updates kept me in touch with the outside world.

This list is part practical, part tongue in cheek because those really serious plans always overwhelm me. When we lived in Texas and the kids were still babies I had a tornado kit with formula and diapers. I even had cash in there. The problem was I just kept dipping into it to pay the babysitter. But truly – I wanna be prepared.

What else would you pack?

How to Make a Ghetto Swiffer

Brighten Your Space With Personalization

This year I’m hoping to get to all those little nagging tasks around the house that I’ve been putting off. Most are decorating related so imagine my delight when I received this gorgeous little tea towel. More proof that things don’t have to be expensive to be exquisite.

Top 5 Reasons NOT to Make Your Kids Happy

Finally some really smart guys with letters next to their names have articulated my parenting philosophy. And they probably use much more eloquent language than ‘Clean your room or I will beat you with a stick’. But it’s the same idea.

Aaron Cooper and Eric Keitel have written I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy to teach us all why that’s such a damaging stance. I haven’t read the book – and I probably won’t because I’m more of a feel-my-way kind of mommy. But here are some excellent points they provide on their website. Couldn’t agree more…. (my comments italicized)

1. Youth in Trouble
Research reveals that youth today are more worried, anxious, and depressed than youth in earlier decades. Many factors play a role, but I just want my kids to be happy, the mantra of millions of parents nowadays, may be a leading culprit, shaping children who are less resilient, and more distressed by the ordinary challenges of daily life.

Making them happy is also making them lazy, unaccountable for their actions and basking in an unearned sense of entitlement.

2. What’s for Dinner?
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that families who sit down together for dinner five or more times a week seem to have happier children—less depression, better grades in school, less involvement with drugs and alcohol.

Yes, it’s a pain to make dinner. But it’s not really THAT difficult. We’ve got scientific data – sit, eat, talk!

3. What Happened to Child’s Play?
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that abundant time spent in free, unstructured play, beginning in the earliest years of life, lays a critical foundation for happiness later on. Research shows that kids spend less time engaged in true play compared to generations past, which may compromise their future happiness.

Simplify. No matter how badly we want our children to have (and do) everything we didn’t, there are still only 24 hours in a day. Let them play. (Let yourself play too!)

4. The Myth of Quality Time
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that a child’s happiness in later life—and their healthy emotional development—depends more on the quantity of time spent with a parent than limited chunks of so-called quality time.

I don’t know about this one. I don’t really know what quality time means. What I do know is that if the first 10 are any indication, 18 years goes by really fast. I don’t want to have any regrets. That said, you can overdo it. Trust your gut. If it aches, you’re doing something wrong.

5. Your Teenager Won’t Admit It!
Despite how it may seem—teens holing up in their room with an iPod or on the cell phone, yakking with friends—studies have found that teens themselves admit they’d like more time with parents. Feeling connected to parents is an important dimension of any youngster’s life—it’s an important contributor to a child’s happiness—and teens are no exception.

I’m not here yet, but even as pre-tweens my kids are exhibiting more and more of a whatever attitude. They still want me around, but they want me to know that less and less every day.

Please let me know if you read the book, because I’m sure I won’t. But I do support the ideas and hope they take hold.

Virtual Hand Me Downs Make Stocking the Closet Easier

I thought this was pretty cool.

www.handmedowns.com helps moms buy, sell, give away, or donate their gently used items while saving money and recycling. Instead of surfing through giant, impersonal classified sites like eBay or craigslist, parents can get aggregated kid-stuff listings at handmedowns.com.

Handmedowns.com was founded by a frustrated mom who says:

“The classified sites that were available had some great listings, but were
not designed with parents in mind. Moms are too busy to sift through thousands of listings to find the items they need, especially those in good enough condition for their children. Our goal is to raise the bar for baby & kids classifieds.”

Here’s the catch – Handmedowns.com is currently only available in Atlanta, Austin, Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Denver, Houston, Los Angeles, Miami, New York, Orange County, Minneapolis, Philadelphia, Phoenix, Portland, San Diego, San Francisco, Seattle, Tampa, and Washington, D.C.

What’s up with that? I thought it was virtual? Someone please help me understand….

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