Let’s Have Fun This Thanksgiving, Shall We?

I am not hosting Thanksgiving this year. Know what that means? It means it’s going to be awesome is what that means! I am going to eat, drink, and probably talk too much. I am going to be thankful for all the insanity. And I’m going to write it all down. The good, the bad, the hurtful and rude. Be warned.

Won’t you join me? I’m issuing a challenge–to make your Thanksgiving way more funner. This year, collect quotes. Whenever Uncle Fred or Auntie Annie spit out a racial slur, when your parents pick at your lack of ambition or your excess forearm flesh, when your inlaws inquire as to your status with child or without–write it down. Share them here in the comments to prove that every family is crazy, or just to make someone else feel better that yes, your life really is worse than theirs. Or funnier. You get to decide.

Happy Thanksgiving!

New and Improved Mother’s Day

I just now finished addressing the Mother’s Day cards. If I’m lucky I’ll get them into the mailbox today. (Yeah, I know – who am I kidding?) So I can rest assured that they’ll arrive cross country approximately next Tuesday.

Mother’s Day: another opportunity for me to feel guilty. Even though I AM a mother. Aren’t I supposed to be celebrated? Trouble is I’m also a daughter, a daughter-in-law, a step-daughter, and the responsible party of children who have grandmothers.

It’s not just Mother’s Day. The other holidays aren’t any kinder to us moms.

• Halloween is cruel. After all that work to dress up the kids how are you repaid? With a big bowl of Fat Ass sitting on the counter for weeks.
• Birthdays give your kids free license repeatedly ask how old you are. Repeatedly. And when will your husband learn that when you say you want a ‘practical gift’, this is not code for ‘vacuum’. It means Botox. Duh.
• Let’s not forget Thanksgiving – the soul crushing, manicure wrecking, thigh widening hall of horrors.
• Christmas is actually quite wonderful – for people who like to start planning an event 18 months out. This year I didn’t send cards. I swear for a tiny minute the earth really did halt its rotation.
• Easter, please. Who looks good in white pants? Not moms.

What I really want is a holiday for me. Just for me. Lela Day, perhaps. Sounds nice right?

In the absence of that I would settle for National Mandatory Go To a Spa Day. This holiday is for women only. There are no cards and no gifts. The spa is free and you are required to stay there for a minimum of four hours. Make that five. And they have to feed you some magical food while you’re there that is delicious but non-fattening. In fact, it actually burns calories while you eat it without any effort on your part.

While you’re at the spa, the family is home celebrating their own holiday: Pick Up Your Own Crap and Clean Your Nasty Hairs Out of the Drain Day.

Who’s with me?

The Case of the Easter Bunny

I admit it: I can’t wait until the days when the Easter Bunny no longer hops by our house. It’s not that I don’t like holidays, I just can’t take the pressure of having to be responsible for making them happen. And the trouble with children is that you can’t pull much over on them, especially when they seem to be on the elementary school track for pre-pre-law.

This is the story of one Easter Eve a few years ago. I lay in bed trying to fall asleep amid some low level tension because something just wasn’t quite right. Suddenly I bolted up, frightening my husband out of a sound snore.

“Oh crap!” I said, “I’ve got to do the Easter baskets!” I got up, turned on lights, rummaged through the guest room closet for baskets and candy, and set about making the sweetest little tokens of love from the Easter Bunny. I put them in the kids’ doorways and went back to bed, where the father of my children was sleeping just as peacefully as before my crisis.

In the morning the kids came to our room to show us their loot. My then six-year-old daughter looked up at me with genuine curiosity. “I wonder why the Easter Bunny gave us the same baskets as last year?”

Note: If you’ve been reading this column long, you already know that the Easter Bunny is a touch stingy. She doesn’t really see the point in buying new baskets year after year, and this was the year she decided to test her theory that the kids wouldn’t really notice anyway.

“Mom?” my daughter asked, “Are YOU the Easter Bunny?” Leave it to the little one.

I shook my head and offered up a little snort. “Do I look like I’ve been out all morning hopping around dropping off Easter baskets?”

She eyed me, weighing whether or not to push the matter. She was holding a bag of sugar after all. Finally, the little lawyer-in-training just wouldn’t let it go. “It’s just that you said the Easter Bunny was a girl AND the Easter Bunny knows what kind of books we like AND —-“
Maybe Mommy needed a basket full of Midol. I snapped. “I’m not the Easter Bunny. Okay?”

Everybody backed off the bunny.

When they asked later why the Easter Bunny didn’t give them very much candy this year, I told them maybe she knew they’d be getting a lot of candy at the Easter egg hunt that afternoon.

“Not that I would know,” I added. That was my fatal mistake. If this were a Grisham movie, there would be a close up on me as a bead of sweat made it’s way down my nose.

“Are you sure you’re not the Easter Bunny?” my son asked. His eyes narrowed. “Because usually when people say ‘not that I would know’ it means they know.”

It’s getting hard to come up with smart remarks, but not impossible.

“And usually when a kid asks too many questions about a basket of candy, it means they go to bed early and a monster comes in the night and eats all their candy.”

Case closed.

This is the After the Bubbly column that appears in the April issue of Peekaboo magazine. If you’d like to see it in your local parenting magazine, drop me a note. Thanks!

Amazing Cheddar Dates

I promised a friend I’d post this amazing recipe for Cheddar Dates. It’s from Southern Living’s Easy Entertaining book. I make them around the holidays, or any other time I’m in the mood for this rich appetizer. It’s quite a process but totally worth it!

• 1 1/2 cups (6 ounces) shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/3 cup butter or margarine, melted
• 24 pitted dates
• 24 pecan halves, toasted
• 1 egg white, lightly beaten
• 1/4 teaspoon sugar

1. Combine first 4 ingredients in a bowl, stirring well.
2. Add butter, stirring until moistened. It’s a very dry dough.
3. Make a lenthwise slit in each date and stuff with a pecan half.
4. Press 1 generous tablespoon dough around each date. Just take a tablespoon and squash it flat in your hand. Then put a date on top and wrap and squish the dough around to cover the date.
5. Cover and chill for 45 minutes, or freeze for up to a month.
6. Place dates on a greased baking sheet and brush with egg white. Sprinkle with sugar.
7. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Cool on wire rack. Serve at room temperature.

I sometimes break up the process into toasting, slitting, stuffing, then covering the dates and cooking. The whole thing takes quite a while, but if you break up the steps you can get a little done at a time.

What’s Up For New Years?

I’m just wondering today if every other parent in the world is as lame as I am, or do any of you have cool plans for New Years?

Creative ways to party as a parent?

Tips for scoring the ‘good’ babysitter?

Let’s share, shall we? (Come on, I know you’re not actually working today…)

Confession: I Didn’t Send Christmas Cards

Do you get overwhelmed at the holidays? No, not you over there with the cookies baked, the shopping done, and coordinating gifts under the tree. Heavens no. But I do. That’s why this year decided to slack off on one of my very favorite traditions: Christmas cards.

Maybe writing so much made me less excited about the annual Christmas letter, or maybe I just couldn’t face that ever growing list of addresses. To say nothing of the labeling, the pictures, the personal notes on each of the cards.

This year I became one of THOSE people – a non-reciprocating Christmas card getter! I will enjoy each and every card I receive. I will savor them all. But you won’t get one from me. Don’t take it personally.

Okay, maybe in January I’ll send something…
But I won’t commit. It’s too overwhelming.

What are you doing this season to fight overwhelm? Parent Bloggers and Family Aware want to know. (And they want to help! Check them out.)

Considering Mindfulness in Children

In my wanderings I came across this New York Times article about mindfulness and kids from last summer. The article talks about using mindfulness techniques in school, but as we head fast into the holidays, I wonder if this is something we can apply in our homes.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is simply being in the present moment. Students in California (what – not Arkansas?) are learning to use objects or sounds of focus (like the new school bell) to slow down and concentrate on breathing. Coaches are teaching kids in 15 minute sessions how to have “gentle breaths and still bodies.” Some are calling the practice of mindfulness “the new ABC’s — learning and leading a balanced life.”

How Can Mindfulness Help Kids?

The funny thing to me is that we’ve heard ‘pay attention’ our whole lives, but what does that truly mean? Mindfulness teaches how. While the practice is derived from Buddhist teachings, the mindfulness taught to kids in school is totally secular , using language like “being present” and “cultivating compassion” and avoiding any spiritual connotations.

A doctor at at Stanford, said the initial findings showed increased control of attention and less negative internal chatter. Another study found that mindfulness helped improve mood disorders, depression, and self-harming behaviors like eating disorders.

Our Kids Need to Be Mindful

The stress kids are dealing with today are so much greater than ten or twenty years ago. They live with a constant barrage of stimuli, including scrolling feeds on TV, video games, and text messages. One teacher quoted in the Times article notes that our kids are so overstimulated that some have difficulty even closing their eyes.

What can we do over the holidays to help our kids slow down and relax? I’d love to know your ideas. (I suspect the first step is for us parents to slow down first!) And are some kids better candidates for this than others?

For more information, see the Association for Mindfulness in Education

How Sexy Do You Like Your Santa?

Thanksgiving For 13 Doesn’t Have to Be Unlucky

This year my husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our house for 13. I’m talking people are coming from across the country for this shin dig. And we’re excited because it’s rare to get this many people to visit Arkansas. Especially all at the same time. We’ll have 8 adults and 5 kids. But I’m hoping this year 13 won’t be unlucky for Thanksgiving! Here’s my strategy:

1. Distracting: Because people tend to revert to childish behavior around family, we’re going to treat them like the toddlers they are. My daughter and I came up with all kinds of games and activities that can be pulled out the first time someone utters: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

2. Delegating: My MIL is bringing the stuffing, red cabbage, and appetizers. (Also probably half of the Dallas Whole Foods, but it’ll be cold right? We can store the extra food on the deck.) Everyone else is bringing booze. Lots of it. I’ll put the kids to work on the green bean casserole that day. Who can’t handle that?

3. Making Ahead: I will be making the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes this week and freezing them. I’m thinking of doing buttermilk rolls and freezing those too, but that may just be overkill. What’s Walmart for after all?

4. Purchasing Desserts: I am not a baker. Just not. Therefore I will be purchasing most all the desserts.

5. Accepting Chaos: It’s going to be nutty. I know that. But we’ll all sit down at the table (well, the two tables pushed together) for at least an hour. As for the rest of the 5 DAYS!!! (did I mention these people are staying 5 days?) we’ll be eating spaghetti and going out for Chinese buffet – and watching lots and lots of movies in the TWO different, totally separate viewing areas. For sanity’s sake.

That’s my plan and I’m thankful for it. What’s yours?

PS – This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Butterball. If I’m quick I’ll win a free turkey!

Rushing the Seasons

Okay, so I meant to write about this back in August, but life and deadlines got in the way. It was a crisp morning, one of the first cooler days we’d had in a long time. I was really enjoying my run and the comfortabel weather when I saw the first one. Prominently displayed on some over achiever’s immaculate entry was a Halloween decoration. Remember, it was still August, I swear.

Now, before you get all defensive and give me some crap about it was a ‘fall’ decoration. No. Not even. Last I checked, pumpkins = Halloween. Black ribbon? So witchy! I jogged along on my merry disgruntled way thinking that some people just can’t enjoy the moment. They’ve got to rush every single thing. Considering I may not ever get around to putting out anything remotely cute, you may think I’m just jealous. Maybe.

So I sort of got over it. To each his own and all that. I ran, enjoying the fresh, sweet air.

But then I saw another one. That’s two items of Halloween decor spotted during what is arguably the pinnacle month of summer. What’s wrong with you people?

Now, of course, it’s mid September and I’d say a solid one fourth of festive folks are setting out the Halloween props. I have even been sent a save-the-date for a Halloween party. Hold on while I check the calendar… Seven weeks. That’s how long until Halloween. Can we please, please, please just enjoy the crumbs of summer? Please? How about we wait until say… a month before the actual holiday to start decorating and celebrating? Any takers?

Because I can play that game too. Don’t make me break out the Easter bunnies.

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