Detoxed, Just Like Gwyneth

I did it, detoxed from Cozumel. I rid my gut of 24-hour free range Chez Whiz smothered fried tortillas and purged my liver of all-you-can-drink margaritas. Using Gwyneth Paltrow’s detox diet as a guide, I explored the health food store, learned a few good recipes (and the horrors of “pro-greens”), and dropped a few pounds. My tummy is flat. Kinda. And yet, the miracle detox failed to deliver the desired results. I did not grow eight inches of leg. I’m still brunette. Not hanging out with Robert Downey Jr. In short, I’m no Gwyneth. After reading about Paltrow’s bone disease, I couldn’t be happier.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a date with a Frito pie.