Lessons From the Elk River

Yesterday we went on a float trip down the Elk River, known for its varying water levels and rednecky goodness. For the Fourth of July, I donned my cutoff Levi shorts, packed up the leftover hotdogs and hamburgers, and headed out with my family for a 9-mile ride–little of which I would describe as floating.

I wanted to name this post “Things I Learned on the Elk River” but I realized the lessons here are actually not new, but ancient wisdom, life lessons we all know but seem to forget over and over. Maybe that’s just me.

Here are a few lessons from the Elk.

• Never stand up in a canoe. Just don’t.
• Climbing into a boat is easier on shore than mid-stream. Almost always.
• In related good news, bleeding into a river does not attract sharks.
• City girls aren’t the only ones who seem to find out early, how to open doors with just a smile–or a lift of a beaded crop top. (“Mom, why is that man wearing all those necklaces?”)
• Speaking of children, for maximum relaxation, place competitive siblings in the same boat.
• You never know who will push you out of a low spot, and sometimes people surprise you.
• There is no such thing as too much river beer.
• Believe the guy who says, “By noon, this will burn off.”
• Not everyone needs SPF 600. But I do.
• Tube tops and string bikinis should have an expiration date. Maybe they should be burned at your fortieth birthday party. Or you thirtieth, depending.
• One sandwich is never enough.
• The last quarter-mile is always the hardest.
• Always bring your phone. And duct tape. No exceptions.
• “We should do this more often,” for me, translates to, “We should do this again in a few years.”
• And again, in case you forgot already–never stand up in a canoe.

People in these parts consider a trip down the Elk River to be the peak of redneck bliss. Maybe, but where I come from, there are no canoes–only inner tubes, lifted from a nearby junkyard under cover of night and courage of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Top that, people of the Ozarks.

Image Credit: Ivy Dawned, Flickr

More Summer Fun:

• We’ve Made It Past the Fourth of July
• The Trouble with Car Trouble
• Virtual Classmates: Why Facebook is Better Than Your 20-Year Reunion

We’ve Made it Past the Fourth of July

It’s really summer now – we’re deep into the heat of sunburn, the thick of the humidity. And what does that mean for parents everywhere? In my experience we fall out into two camps.

Parent A:  I can’t believe summer vacation is half over already! I’m starting to miss them just thinking of school starting again. It really is true – they grow up so fast. Treasure every moment!

Parent B: I cant’ believe I haven’t been institutionalized already. Actually, that might be a welcome rest. Only six weeks to go. I will make it. I will, right?

Which parent are you? On a given day?