How Do You Like Your Toast?

My son and I like our English muffins toasted once on 10 – twice.
My daughter and husband like to eat warm bread.
You can imagine the conflict.

And because I found this photo on Flickr, I now know we’re not alone.

Image Credit: adamadamjinj, Flickr

Responsible Kids in 5 Easy Steps

I came across this information from “highly successful, pioneering educator and child development specialist”, Joy Berry. She espouses a philosophy that parents’ job is to “help children help themselves so they can become responsible for their own lives.” I totally agree. What I’m not too sure about are her Five Musts for Raising Responsible Children. What do you think?

• Parents need to begin transferring control to their children on day two of their lives.
  ~Seriously, Baby, get your own milk.

• A child’s happiness and success belong to the child, not to his or her parents.
  ~Unless they do something really cute – that you taught them.
  
• It is essential that parents empower their child with the proper living skills.
  ~Especially those that will enable the child to support his or her parents’ golden years.
  
• Never use punishment with children; it doesn’t work.
  ~True. Bribery often works better.
  
• One of the most important goals for a parent is to have their child 100% responsible for making their own decisions by age 12.
  Age 12? If we start on Day 2, I’m thinking this job is done by Day 12.
  

Berry says:

“As children become teenagers, they begin to pull away from their parents and want to begin living their own lives. It is imperative that several years before a child leaves the home, that they are fully responsible and are making good decisions. Following these basic steps can really provide children the
tools they need for making all the right choices.”

Really? All the right choices? Dish me up some of that.

Here’s my two cents. Making good decisions is a lifelong endeavor. Where is this utopia in which our children are fully capable of making good decisions at 18, or whenever they leave home? I like Ms. Berry’s ideas in theory, but let’s not set ourselves up for failure. As parents we must accept that this job is forever, that our kids are going to screw up and so are we. It’s life. This kind of ‘perfect’ parenting can make us feel inadequate.

What do you think? What’s your parenting philosophy?

World Records, Family Style

I just peed for 24 seconds.

Excuse me?

It’s a world record.

That you peed for 24 seconds?

My old record was 16 seconds.

You time your pee?

How else would I know when I beat my record?

New Birthday Plan: No More Kids’ Parties

Dear Son,

I’m writing to tell you about an exciting change we’ll be making in regard to birthdays this year!

Because this is a big birthday year for me (rhymes with shorty), and because you’re such a big boy now, and frankly because I’m a little worn out with the whole kids’ birthday scene, we’re going to do things a little differently this year. Instead of me spending my time planning, executing, and cleaning up after your birthday party, you’re going to do all that for my birthday. Fun, huh?

First you’re going to help me make a list of all my very best friends. Don’t worry, the guest list won’t get out of hand. You know how I always limit the number of guests at your parties to your age? Same deal. I’ll only be inviting forty friends. And because my friends are slightly geographically diverse, transporting them all to the party could be tricky. But you’ll figure it out. Just like Daddy and I always find a way to shuttle your friends around. I promise my pals will smell better. Most of them anyway.

Aren’t you just dying to know the theme for my party? You know how you’re always begging fr pizza parties and laser tag parties and parties where you eat pizza while riding go-carts and playing laser tag in space? I want a cool party too. That’s why I’ll be going to a spa with my forty friends. (I have NO idea how much this costs, but you might want to start saving your allowance now.)

When you think about it, it’s a pretty good deal for you because it frees you from cooking a bunch of food we might very well a) eat without tasting, b) throw at each other, or c) shove down our throats so fast it makes us sick enough to vomit on the ‘good’ carpet.

After the party of course I’ll expect you to hound me night and day until I write each and every last thank you note. You’ll also need to keep track of my gifts and write down exactly how to word my gratitude to each of my guests.

Finally, when I get bored with all my presents – like a week later – I’m going to be really crabby and whiny. I may refuse to do ordinary tasks like make your dinner and wash your underwear. Don’t take this personally. After all, you’re the one spoiling me rotten! I’m really excited about this year’s birthday plans and so proud of you, my grown up little boy!

If you think I am so hilarious and you’d love to see columns like this in your local newspaper or parenting magazine, let me know. After the Bubbly is available for syndication, cheap.

Top 5 Reasons NOT to Make Your Kids Happy

Finally some really smart guys with letters next to their names have articulated my parenting philosophy. And they probably use much more eloquent language than ‘Clean your room or I will beat you with a stick’. But it’s the same idea.

Aaron Cooper and Eric Keitel have written I Just Want My Kids To Be Happy to teach us all why that’s such a damaging stance. I haven’t read the book – and I probably won’t because I’m more of a feel-my-way kind of mommy. But here are some excellent points they provide on their website. Couldn’t agree more…. (my comments italicized)

1. Youth in Trouble
Research reveals that youth today are more worried, anxious, and depressed than youth in earlier decades. Many factors play a role, but I just want my kids to be happy, the mantra of millions of parents nowadays, may be a leading culprit, shaping children who are less resilient, and more distressed by the ordinary challenges of daily life.

Making them happy is also making them lazy, unaccountable for their actions and basking in an unearned sense of entitlement.

2. What’s for Dinner?
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that families who sit down together for dinner five or more times a week seem to have happier children—less depression, better grades in school, less involvement with drugs and alcohol.

Yes, it’s a pain to make dinner. But it’s not really THAT difficult. We’ve got scientific data – sit, eat, talk!

3. What Happened to Child’s Play?
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that abundant time spent in free, unstructured play, beginning in the earliest years of life, lays a critical foundation for happiness later on. Research shows that kids spend less time engaged in true play compared to generations past, which may compromise their future happiness.

Simplify. No matter how badly we want our children to have (and do) everything we didn’t, there are still only 24 hours in a day. Let them play. (Let yourself play too!)

4. The Myth of Quality Time
Millions of parents have pledged their allegiance to the happiness of their children: I just want my kids to be happy. But few parents know that a child’s happiness in later life—and their healthy emotional development—depends more on the quantity of time spent with a parent than limited chunks of so-called quality time.

I don’t know about this one. I don’t really know what quality time means. What I do know is that if the first 10 are any indication, 18 years goes by really fast. I don’t want to have any regrets. That said, you can overdo it. Trust your gut. If it aches, you’re doing something wrong.

5. Your Teenager Won’t Admit It!
Despite how it may seem—teens holing up in their room with an iPod or on the cell phone, yakking with friends—studies have found that teens themselves admit they’d like more time with parents. Feeling connected to parents is an important dimension of any youngster’s life—it’s an important contributor to a child’s happiness—and teens are no exception.

I’m not here yet, but even as pre-tweens my kids are exhibiting more and more of a whatever attitude. They still want me around, but they want me to know that less and less every day.

Please let me know if you read the book, because I’m sure I won’t. But I do support the ideas and hope they take hold.

Does Your Child Need an Attitude Adjustment?

Does your child ever whine, talk back, throw tantrums at the store? Would you like to change attitude problems quickly and easily? Of course you would! That’s why James Lehman has created his transformational behavior program! Yay!

When I heard Mr. Lehman selling his goods on late night cable, I was tempted by the free gift with purchase: 10 Ways to Turn Around Your Child’s Attitude in One Minute or Less. Who wouldn’t want that? Then I remembered falling for a similar promise. Maybe you’ve heard of the book Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. Key word: easy. Yeah right. I practically lost my mind trying to force my kid through those easy lessons. I suspect the same to be true of the one minute or less promise. Come on – parenting is a process. Are there really any magic beans?

One look at Mr. Lehman and you can tell he’s spent his life dealing with attitude challenged teenagers! But hey, if you want to give it a go, the program can be yours for ’3 convenient monthly payments of $109.00 billed to the credit card.’ Just don’t blame me if your own attitude suffers for it.

If you’re a parent, you’re just as expert as anyone else, so tell us all – what works for you?

Also – check out my advice on parenting. Totally free!

Forgotten Tennis Shoes and Other Ethical Dilemmas

Last week in the drop off line in front of the school, at 7:40 am before I’d had a single cup of coffee, my son who had only moments before had waved me a cheery goodbye, crossed a lane of oncoming traffic to come back to the car and rap on the passenger side window. It was really important. He needed his tennis shoes. It was slipper day at school, but he needed real shoes to go out to recess.

My first response was fear. What was my kid doing out here risking his life over a stupid pair of tennis shoes? Quickly that morphed into irritation. Was it my problem that he couldn’t remember his shoes? Wasn’t that his responsibility? He’s ten years old for crying out loud. As I drove toward home I considered letting him suffer. It’ll serve him right! Then almost immediately I felt guilty. Isn’t it my job to be his backup? I’m his security. That’s where the moral dilemma comes in.

If I brought the shoes to school would I be supporting the foundation his father and I have built for him, that the world is a safe and reliable place where he’s free to grow, learn, and prosper? Or was I just reinforcing a lack of basic responsibility? I took the shoes to school. And I’m not proud either to admit that part of the reason I did was fear of being judged by the other parents. What would they think of a mother who let her kid miss recess?

A few weeks ago I stopped another boy from hitting my son, who had smarted off to this other kid. I was really upset about it and spent a lot of words explaining to him how his smart mouth was going to get him into trouble and didn’t he know when to stop and blah-blah-blah. Later I asked my husband to talk to him. He told me no. Let him get is ass kicked, he said. It’s the only way he’ll learn. I’m still torn.

So what do you think? As a parent, where do you draw the line between covering your kid’s ass and wiping it for him?

Thanksgiving For 13 Doesn’t Have to Be Unlucky

This year my husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our house for 13. I’m talking people are coming from across the country for this shin dig. And we’re excited because it’s rare to get this many people to visit Arkansas. Especially all at the same time. We’ll have 8 adults and 5 kids. But I’m hoping this year 13 won’t be unlucky for Thanksgiving! Here’s my strategy:

1. Distracting: Because people tend to revert to childish behavior around family, we’re going to treat them like the toddlers they are. My daughter and I came up with all kinds of games and activities that can be pulled out the first time someone utters: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

2. Delegating: My MIL is bringing the stuffing, red cabbage, and appetizers. (Also probably half of the Dallas Whole Foods, but it’ll be cold right? We can store the extra food on the deck.) Everyone else is bringing booze. Lots of it. I’ll put the kids to work on the green bean casserole that day. Who can’t handle that?

3. Making Ahead: I will be making the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes this week and freezing them. I’m thinking of doing buttermilk rolls and freezing those too, but that may just be overkill. What’s Walmart for after all?

4. Purchasing Desserts: I am not a baker. Just not. Therefore I will be purchasing most all the desserts.

5. Accepting Chaos: It’s going to be nutty. I know that. But we’ll all sit down at the table (well, the two tables pushed together) for at least an hour. As for the rest of the 5 DAYS!!! (did I mention these people are staying 5 days?) we’ll be eating spaghetti and going out for Chinese buffet – and watching lots and lots of movies in the TWO different, totally separate viewing areas. For sanity’s sake.

That’s my plan and I’m thankful for it. What’s yours?

PS – This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Butterball. If I’m quick I’ll win a free turkey!

Peas Are Green and Round and Mushy

I knew this day would come! All my hard work making up songs for my baby has paid off! I finally have a venue for my musical masterpieces. Parent Bloggers Network has asked bloggers to share songs we used to liven up our days with little ones. Now, I know it’s not the same without the tune, which I also made up, but here’s mine and my son’t favorite:

peas are green and round and mushy
they go in my mouth and they come out my tushy
I love peas

you can eat peas raw or cooked
you can eat peas while you read a book
I love peas

peas are delectable
peas are divine
peas are so wonderful
you can eat ‘em any old time

peas are great peas are delicious
peas are fun and they’re even nutricious
I LOOOOOOOVE PEEEEEAS!!!

Pretty good huh? That is so copyrighted by the way…. Here’s another:

I love eating foods that are orange
I love eating foods that are orange
Carrots and squash and sweet potatoes
I love eating foods that are orange

That one is much improved with music. Trust me. Here’s one you may recognize. It goes along to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar. (I know!)

Cereal! Superstar!
Do you know how good you are?
Rice and oat, corn and wheat
Do you know that you can’t be beat?

So Parent Bloggers and Bush’s Beans are asking us to rewrite the old favorite beans, beans the magical fruit… By the way, did you know beans aren’t really a fruit but a veggie. I thought they were a legume, but that’s neither here nor there. Here goes:

Beans, beans, the magical veggie
Eat ‘em and no one will give you a wedgie
No one wants a wedgie it’s true
Eat more beans so you won’t be blue

I’m not going to win that contest, I know. But please, what else rhymes with veggie?

This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as an entry for a contest sponsored by Bush’s Beans.

By the way, all my mommy blogging buddies – anyone can play on these weekly posts. Get on over to PBN and get to posting!

5 Things You Can Do Today To Improve Your Personal Financial Situation

I’m starting to get really irritated with all this bad economic news lately. For one thing, it’s cutting into my Access Hollywood viewing time. I mean, how much CNN can a girl take? I’m tired of all this fear mongering about our economy ‘grinding to a halt’. What does that even mean? Will one single economist or politician break it down into the baby steps for me? Make me understand!

Until then, if you’re worried about your own near bailout situation, I have some suggestions. They may not be easy, but you’re tough. You can do it!

1. Cancel your gym membership.
Okay, don’t have a cow – I’m not talking to you over there in the Spandex on her way to Pilates Pump. I’m talking to the rest of you who got some ridiculous notion back in January that ‘this was your year’. It’s not. Trust me. If the only time you visit the gym is to pay the bill (sorry gym industry – I know these are your bread and butter….) it’s time to give up the charade.

2. Just Say NO – to school pictures.
Even I have been suckered into this racket for far too long. I am taking a stand this year. Take my kid’s picture if you want, but I’m not paying you for it. I vow to remain strong when those bookmarks and keychains plastered with my kids’ images come home. No matter how grating the whine, I’m saving my $60 this year.

3. Brew your own coffee.
Again, I have to apologize because if there’s anyone I love more than my local exercise guru, it’s my barista. But I don’t have to do the math for you do I? I am so intensely cheap that I have switched to Folgers, or Maxwell House! And I’m from Seattle! (Once I hit ‘Publish’ on this post they probably won’t let me back in!) Learn how to use your coffee pot. Invite your friend over to your house! Seriously.

4. Cook.
This is a no-brainer. And yet…. I know restaurants are struggling, but that’s not your problem right now. Maybe you’re not in too terrible of financial shape. Why should you cut back on eating out? You may not need to, but why not just add a few really good, really cheap entrees to the list of things you can cook without having to pump anyone’s stomach. It can’t hurt.

5. Keep asking yourself: Do I need this? Do I need it NOW?
When my husband and I were younger and cash was much tighter than it is now, we wanted stuff. Oh boy did we want stuff. Making matters worse was that all our friends seemed to be more established in their careers and therefore had and did lots more stuff. We could have kept up. All it would have taken was a little plastic. But we held back – always asking ourselves: Do we need this? Do we need it NOW?

What are you doing today to safeguard your future if the experts are right and we’re in for a nasty 2009?

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