Youth is But an Afternoon Away

Ah, youth, that fleeting feeling of being immortal, invincible, even irresistible. Short of things that are against the law, abjectly amoral, or just really bad for us, how do we recapture that feeling? Cosmetic procedures, that’s how!

In my inbox today, advertising for all the youthening I can afford:

Botox
I have yet to try this new old standby, though I have actively been trying for a year to get my neighbor, who is an ear, nose, and throat doctor, to let me host a party where we gals drink mojitoes and he shoots us up with botulism. So far, he’s not biting. Not a very good friend, that one. I mean, so what if the toxin can spread away from the injection site, causing everything from breathing problems to loss of bladder control? No who would believe I am perpetually calm anyway.  My friends would think I’d been replaced by an alien. Or a robot.

Organiceuticals

This is the latest marketing spin on youthful potions that are supposed to erase all the lines and somehow reverse the effects of gravity. Made with ingredients like coffeeberry, these sound more like breakfast food than magical elixir. And why so pricey? I’m thinking of whipping up something in a compost pile out back. Come on over.

Laser Hair Removal

The offer of the day is “Buy One Area Get 2nd Area For 1/2 Price”. Of course, the 1/2 price is for the “equal or lesser value” area. How exactly is this determined, this valuation of my hairy areas? Is it the quality of the hair? The quantity? And how does one get a handle on that before committing to the procedure? Is there an appraisal process? Does someone drive by the house and snap shots of me in unfortunate postures? Is there a hidden camera at the yoga studio perhaps?

So much to ponder. It makes my brain feel tired, and old.