Top 10 Things That Could Go Wrong While Baking

This is the December edition of the print version of After the Bubbly, an award winning family humor column. If you’d like to see it in a local publication, let me know and I’ll do my best to get it there!

I make comments in my cookbooks when I try recipes—things like ‘excellent,’ ‘needs more salt,’ and ‘kids loved it.’ What I wrote after a recent traumatic cake baking experience is not suitable for publication. If my cookbooks survive me, it will be a testament to my descendants of their grandmother’s battle with baked goods. I don’t know why I torture myself with baking ‘from scratch’. I ought to stick with recipes printed on the back of a box with a red spoon in the corner. If you dislike baking—as I do—the baking knows it, and it messes with you.

Still, me with my optimism and the deceptively simply recipe with its butter and eggs. It was a pound cake. What could possibly go wrong?

For the record:

1.  You could be out of flour. Turns out this is a baking deal breaker. Who knew?

2.  You could decide to get some bang for your bake by doubling the recipe. However, now that you have flour, all those ingredients don’t neatly fit into your fancy mixer—the one that still matches your kitchen even though you haven’t it used since the last time you were delusional enough to bake something, which was a couple of Christmases ago.

3.  You could neglect to ask—before getting started—what exactly is a tube pan?

4.  You could assume said tube pan is pretty similar to a loaf pan because the name of the recipe has ‘pound cake’ in it, and you’ve seen pound cakes—plenty of them. They are rectangular, like a loaf pan.

5.  You could skim over the part of the recipe that says sift and whip egg whites until they’re stiff—whatever that means—and therefore underestimate the time effort, and skill involved in what you thought was going to be your basic dump-stir-pour operation.

6.  You could decide that instead of the handy mixer to whip the egg whites, you’ll do it by hand, which could result in a nasty cramp in your right bicep.

7.  You could ignore the visual evidence that the cake batter does not fit into the aforementioned loaf pan. In fact, you could fill it all the way up so that it’s almost spilling out before it even goes into the oven. Then you could be so grateful that the whole drama is in the oven that you don’t even mind cleaning up the holy mess in your kitchen. You might even smile as you’re wiping down the last of the flour.

8.  You could smell something familiar: smoke.

9.  You could then spend thirty minutes cleaning the scorched batter overflow from the bottom of the oven and transferring partially cooked cake-like material into other pans of various shapes and sizes—none of which are tube pans.

10.  You could serve the cake, which despite your monumental incompetence is actually delicious, resulting in rave reviews and requests that you ‘make this more often.’

By the way, in case you’re wondering, a tube pan is the same as a Bundt pan and it has a far greater capacity than your average loaf pan. Again, who knew?

10 Ways to Screw Up Baking, A Cautionary Tale

I like to make little comments in my cookbooks when I make the recipes. I write stuff like ‘Excellent’, ‘Needs more salt’, and ‘Kids liked it’. Last night I made a cake, and after the traumatic experience, I wrote next to the recipe: Pain in the ass. I shouldn’t have been surprised. I detest baking. And before I was about twenty, I didn’t know you could even make a cake that didn’t start out from a box with a big red spoon on it.

But really, how hard is it to make a pound cake?

Well if you hate baking, I believe that the baking sort of knows it, and then it messes with you. Here are just a few things that could go wrong:

1.  You could be out of flour. Turns out this is a baking deal breaker.

2.  You could decide to double the recipe (because you may as well get some bang for your bake, right?). Except that all those ingredients don’t really fit in your $300 mixer – the one matches your kitchen and that you haven’t used since the last time you were delusional enough to bake something, which was a couple of Christmases ago.

3.  You could neglect to ask – before embarking upon the recipe – what the f#!k is a tube pan?

4.  You could assume said tube pan is pretty similar to a loaf pan because the name of the recipe has ‘pound cake’ in it, and you’ve seen pound cakes. Plenty of them. You know those suckers are rectangular, like a loaf pan. But you’d be wrong.

5.  You could fail to read the part of the recipe that includes intructions to sift and to whip egg whites until they’re stiff, whatever that means.

6.  You could decide that instead of using that handy mixer to whip the egg whites into a stiff frenzy, you will just do it by hand. This *could* result in a nasty cramp in your right bicep.

7.  You could ignore the visual evidence that the cake batter is not fitting into the loaf pan. In fact you could just fill it all the way up and hope for the best. And then you could be so grateful that the whole drama is in the oven that you don’t even really mind cleaning up the holy mess that has become your kitchen. You could even manage a smile as you’re wiping down the last of the flour off the granite.

8.  You could smell something familiar: smoke.

9.  You could then spend thirty minutes cleaning the scorched batter overflow from the bottom of the oventransferring  partially cooked cakeage into more pans of various shapes and sizes – none of which are ‘tube’ pans.

10.  You could serve the cake, which despite your monumental incompetence is actually quite tasty, resulting in rave reviews and requests that you ‘make this more often’.

By the way, in case you’re wondering, a tube pan is a bundt pan (thanks Mitzi!), and it has a far greater capacity than your average loaf pan.

Heads Up: I have a contest coming next week – please check back – I even have prizes!!!

How Do You Like Your Toast?

My son and I like our English muffins toasted once on 10 – twice.
My daughter and husband like to eat warm bread.
You can imagine the conflict.

And because I found this photo on Flickr, I now know we’re not alone.

Image Credit: adamadamjinj, Flickr

Could You Eat For a Week on $25?

This week I’m participating in the local United Way $25 Grocery Challenge. For our family of four, I spent just over $95 on food at Walmart. (Thanks to my sweet daughter following me with the calculator!) I’ll be blogging all week on the United Way blog here.

Here’s the recipe for the Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo from our first day on the challenge:

- breast meat from a large deli chicken
- jar of Alfredo sauce (store brand was cheaper than buying the dry mix!)
- mushrooms (they were on sale)
- small box fettuccine pasta (store brand, of course!)

I sliced the breast meat and sauteed it in a little butter and garlic with the mushrooms. After cooking the pasta I added the jar of sauce and then the chicken mixture. That’s it. Kids and husband all went nuts.

How to Make the Most of Deli Chicken
Because I’m using the deli rotisserie chicken to make three meals this week, I took most of the meat off at once. I used the breast meat for this recipe. I’m keeping the darker stuff in the fridge to make chicken pot pie later in the week. The carcass (with skin) is in still the container the chicken comes in. I’ll boil that to make soup later this week too. I’ll get a little more meat off the bones and will add beans to the soup for added protein. One chicken, three meals!

Amazing Cheddar Dates

I promised a friend I’d post this amazing recipe for Cheddar Dates. It’s from Southern Living’s Easy Entertaining book. I make them around the holidays, or any other time I’m in the mood for this rich appetizer. It’s quite a process but totally worth it!

• 1 1/2 cups (6 ounces) shredded sharp Cheddar cheese
• 1 cup all-purpose flour
• 2 tablespoons chopped fresh rosemary
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1/3 cup butter or margarine, melted
• 24 pitted dates
• 24 pecan halves, toasted
• 1 egg white, lightly beaten
• 1/4 teaspoon sugar

1. Combine first 4 ingredients in a bowl, stirring well.
2. Add butter, stirring until moistened. It’s a very dry dough.
3. Make a lenthwise slit in each date and stuff with a pecan half.
4. Press 1 generous tablespoon dough around each date. Just take a tablespoon and squash it flat in your hand. Then put a date on top and wrap and squish the dough around to cover the date.
5. Cover and chill for 45 minutes, or freeze for up to a month.
6. Place dates on a greased baking sheet and brush with egg white. Sprinkle with sugar.
7. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes. Cool on wire rack. Serve at room temperature.

I sometimes break up the process into toasting, slitting, stuffing, then covering the dates and cooking. The whole thing takes quite a while, but if you break up the steps you can get a little done at a time.

What I’m Reading Now

• If you’ve never checked out Patti Digh’s 37 Days, you ought to. Her blog is all about living with intention – living each day as if you only had 37 of them left. Peek at the blog, then buy her new book, Life is a Verb. It makes a great (inexpensive) gift!
• Sugar reminds us to remind ourselves, particularly to be strong and optimistic. Which reminds me, I’ve been meaning to make one of these. What’s your inspiration?
• Lindsay gives a really cute idea for collecting children’s handprints through the years. I always envy this kind of forethouht to create a tradition and keepsake.
• Jessica Bern makes you feel better about your own inadequacies when it comes to helping out with homework.
• Marye Audet’s Baking Delights blog is not all about baking. She’s got great recipes and make ahead ideas for big families and holidays. (Would you believe I have mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, and green bean casserole already frozen for Thanksgiving? I’m psycho that way!)

Thanksgiving For 13 Doesn’t Have to Be Unlucky

This year my husband and I are hosting Thanksgiving at our house for 13. I’m talking people are coming from across the country for this shin dig. And we’re excited because it’s rare to get this many people to visit Arkansas. Especially all at the same time. We’ll have 8 adults and 5 kids. But I’m hoping this year 13 won’t be unlucky for Thanksgiving! Here’s my strategy:

1. Distracting: Because people tend to revert to childish behavior around family, we’re going to treat them like the toddlers they are. My daughter and I came up with all kinds of games and activities that can be pulled out the first time someone utters: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

2. Delegating: My MIL is bringing the stuffing, red cabbage, and appetizers. (Also probably half of the Dallas Whole Foods, but it’ll be cold right? We can store the extra food on the deck.) Everyone else is bringing booze. Lots of it. I’ll put the kids to work on the green bean casserole that day. Who can’t handle that?

3. Making Ahead: I will be making the mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes this week and freezing them. I’m thinking of doing buttermilk rolls and freezing those too, but that may just be overkill. What’s Walmart for after all?

4. Purchasing Desserts: I am not a baker. Just not. Therefore I will be purchasing most all the desserts.

5. Accepting Chaos: It’s going to be nutty. I know that. But we’ll all sit down at the table (well, the two tables pushed together) for at least an hour. As for the rest of the 5 DAYS!!! (did I mention these people are staying 5 days?) we’ll be eating spaghetti and going out for Chinese buffet – and watching lots and lots of movies in the TWO different, totally separate viewing areas. For sanity’s sake.

That’s my plan and I’m thankful for it. What’s yours?

PS – This post was written for Parent Bloggers Network as part of a sweepstakes sponsored by Butterball. If I’m quick I’ll win a free turkey!

Rock the Crock: Pork Chops

You know I am a huge fan of the crock pot. It’s one of the reasons fall is my favorite time of year. Not only are crock pot recipes comforting and convenient, they’re easy on the budget. And these days frugal cooking is even more important. The crock pot helps me get a healthy dinner on the table in between homework and sports practice. Whether you work at home or away from home, the crock pot is a godsend!

Here’s the easiest pork chop recipe ever:

Ingredients:

• pork chops, assorted, bone-in or boneless, doesn’t matter
• flour, about 1/2 cup
• garlic powder and salt, or garlic salt, about 1 tbsp
• dried mustard, about 1 tbsp
• oil
• 1 can chicken soup with rice
• 1 cup chicken broth

Directions:
Okay, I know the ingredients are vague, but I don’t have better measurements. You don’t need them, promise. Mix garlic, salt, and dried mustard into flour. Then dredge chops in the mixture. Fry to brown, a few minutes on each side. Put in the crock pot and pour the soup and broth over top. I have cooked this on low for several hours, but have also left it on high for just a couple of hours and it is amazing either way. The meat literally falls off the bone and the broth it creates is great over rice. I got the recipe from my SIL and now it’s my family’s favorite. Nuke up a bag of frozen green beans and you’re golden!

Note: Find out when your local grocery store marks down meat and buy it! Near expiration date meat can be frozen and used as needed. This is how I buy my pork chops!

Rock the Crock: Pot Roast

In an effort to be more useful, I’m starting a series of crock pot recipes. Not only is using the crock pot easy and economical, it’s comfort food, and don’t we all need a serving of comfort? I’m eager to know all your favorite recipes and tricks for crock-potting! Here’s my first recipe:

Crock Pot Roast

This is so easy it’s not even really a recipe.

Ingredients:
2-3 pounds beef roast
seasoning packet (look in the spice envelope section, or you can use onion soup mix)
1 cup water
3-4 carrots
3-4 potatoes
1-2 onions

Directions:
Put the meat in the crock pot (do NOT waste your time browning on the stove – just don’t). Cover with veggies. Mix up the seasoning with the water and pour over top. Cook on low all day (8 hours) or high for about 4 hours. That’s it! This is why we love the crock pot!

I serve the pot roast with extra vegetables or a salad.

What Gets You Through?

Parent Bloggers Network is asking bloggers this weekend what they can’t live without. What are the modern conveniences that get us through the day. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about it and there are just too many to mention. I would say the microwave, but then where does that leave the crock pot? And my coffee maker – really, where would I be without that trusty friend? In a heap on the couch watching Joy rip Elizabeth a new one that’s where!

A friend of mine in Houston is suffering the after effects of Ike. She still doesn’t have electricity. I guess that’s sort of a must have. Modern conveniences are so pervasive, I can’t pick just one. However, because they’re promoting Yoplait yogurt, I’m going to go with a food theme. So here’s my list of must haves:

• tortillas and shredded cheese (because mama don’t like to grate) – these simple ingredients plus the aforementioned microwave mean equals independent after school snacking
• string cheese – the girl will not touch any kind of cheese that is touching something else, but cannot live without tubular mozzarella
• Wal-Mart pizzas – these are the best you can buy from the store, just as good as delivery and about a third the cost. I always have a couple on hand – for Friday nights when I don’t want to cook.

I’m off to the driveway!

Please write and tell me your must have conveniences. I need ideas!

By the way, you can get a coupon for $1.50 off a six pack of Yoplait here! Sweet deal!

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