Podcast: Holiday Baking Disaster

by on December 14, 2011
in Blacklisted from the PTA, Susie Homemaker

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I tend to think I can do anything. Most days this type of unreasonable confidence serves me well. And then I try to bake. I recorded this essay, which is included in Blacklisted from the PTA, to remind myself of my personal limitations. Thy name is KitchenAid.

 

(I don’t know if this officially counts as a podcast, but that sounds good so we’ll go with it.)

Things That Could Go Wrong While Baking

Looking for a few laughs for mom this holiday season? Order Blacklisted From The PTA in paperback or Kindle now.

Like This? Try These:

Audio: Lela Davidson

Image: asha susan, Flickr

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Christmas in October

by on October 28, 2011
in motherhood, Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring

5 Comments

The official day this year is Friday, November 25th. That is the day my family is allowed to start singing Christmas songs. I have nothing against Christmas music. I rather enjoy it. But only during the season. There is nothing worse than a cheerful child’s voices singing about dashing through the snow when it’s 85 degrees outside. It’s crap like that can ruin a holiday. If you ask me. And you didn’t, nor did my family. The difference between you and them is that they must abide by my rules. Or find loopholes. Hence:

 

We wish you a happy Halloween,

we wish you a happy Halloween,

we wish you a happy Halloween

and get lots of candy!

Good candy to you, to you and your kids

We wish you a happy Halloween and get lots of candy!

“What? That is NOT a Christmas song.”

Little shits.

Image: D’Arcy Norman, Flickr

 

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Super Amazing Bargain at Expressionary

by on January 14, 2009
in Uncategorized

2 Comments

I slacked off this year and did not send Christmas cards, but next year will be different. Because I’m planning ahead. And I mean WAY ahead. It’s all due to this ridiculous bargain from Expressionery. What can I say? I dig personalization, and planning ahead, and bargains!

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Thank You For the Greatest Gift: Reading

by on December 24, 2008
in Uncategorized

2 Comments

Most writers I know write to quiet the voices. But we also write to be read. Thank you so much for reading. This is the greatest gift I’ll receive this year!

Merry Christmas!

Image Credit: Lela Davidson

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Track Santa on Christmas Eve – Toll Free!

by on December 19, 2008
in Uncategorized

1 Comment

Santa Claus is coming and NORAD’s helping you track his journey on Christmas Eve. The toll-free number is for the U.S. and Canada is 1-877-HI-NORAD. Kids and parents can call to find out Santa’s exact location!

Or you can be smart like me and lie.

“He’s going to be here in five minutes – get to BED!”

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Unique Toys for 2008

by on November 26, 2008
in Uncategorized

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Every year Fat Brain Toys recognizes the best-of-the-best in specialty toys. These are quality toys, games, and gifts for children chosen by actual consumers.

If you’re looking for something unique for a special child this year, why not check these out? All the links lead to Amazon! Here are a few of my favorites:

Active Play Winner: Plasma Car by PlaSmart. Way cooler than your average tricycle.

Arts & Crafts Winner: Scribbles: A Really Giant Drawing and Coloring Book by Chronicle Books. This book isn’t just for coloring, but also painting and drawing. Playful drawings and fun-to-follow instructions make this a great book to inspire artists young and old!

Baby & Toddler Winner: Building Blocks Eeny Miny Zoo by HABA. These creative beech wood blocks are designed to become family heirloom toys. I love the colors and all the different ways they can be combined!

Stay tuned for more next week!

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How Sexy Do You Like Your Santa?

by on November 17, 2008
in Uncategorized

3 Comments

Maybe it’s just me, but when I think Santa I’m not thinking sexy. But then I don’t live in L.A. where an exhaustive two-month search resulted in a single Hunky Santa. Underpaid elves whittled 350 applicants down to one Eli Wilhide, motivational speaker turned actor, and all around sex god.
Hunky Santa is part of Los Angeles’ high end Beverly Center’s alternative to the traditional Santa Claus, but isn’t intended to replace the beloved Saint Nick or “Classic Santa” who also makes his annual appearance in the center. Well duh! They’ve got to get us coming both ways!

Not to leave the men wanting, Hunky Santa is joined onstage by the Candy Cane girls – whom I’m pretty sure I recognize from my recent trip to Las Vegas.

Hunky Santa is supposed to be something for the ‘big kids’ to look forward to each year. What do you think? Harmless diversion, blatant commercialism, blasphemy, or just plain stupid? I’m dying to know!
Meanwhile, that reminds me – I need to pick up a copy of Bad Santa to play while the in-laws are in town for Thanksgiving.
Kidding. Can you guys tell when I’m kidding?

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Merry Chirstmas!

by on December 22, 2007
in Uncategorized

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Merry Christmas to you all! I hope your holiday is filled with joyful moments and brushes with beauty.

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Suspiciously Calm

by on December 19, 2007
in Uncategorized

1 Comment

Photo: Sister72, Flickr
No, this is not my cat. I cannot have a cat right now, but that is another story and we all know how much I am loving my dog… But this cat looks how I feel. Is all the Christmas stuff done? Really? And now I can just hang out under the tree with plenty of free time to bat at the ornaments? Seriously? I mean, it’s still almost a week out and I’ve got everything done. It’s a little unnerving I have to say. And I’m not the only one. Everyone I talk to this week seems to have things totally under control. Presents are wrapped, cards are mailed, and I even planned a party for my son’s fourth grade class for Christmas’ sake. I seem to be utterly insanity free. It’s medication you say? Not even! Could it be… dare I wish it… is this true Christmas joy? Whatever it is, it’s freaking me out. So I guess it all balances out in the end!

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How to Write a Christmas Letter

by on November 28, 2007
in Uncategorized

3 Comments

Write a Christmas letter. Just do it. While it may be the cheesiest thing on earth, it is also fun, easy, and a great way to update your friends and family on your fascinating life. Not to mention, Christmas letters, taken as a group over time make a wonderful family history in breif. Here are my top tips for a successful letter:

1. Tell a Story. In other words, leave out the boring parts. Hitting the highlights of your family’s year doesn’t mean you’re bragging. Let people you care about know what has been important to you this year. Don’t forget the parts that made you laugh.
2. Get Over Yourself. The Christmas Letter is not a resume. Unless you’ve changed companies or left behind your lucrative plumbing career to become a brain surgeon, nobody cares. Seriously, you think they do, but they don’t.
3. Write a Shitty First Draft. If you’re not familiar with Anne Lamott and her writing advice, the Shitty First Draft is one of the most valuable tools in all of modern writing. Just write the thing down so that you have something to work with. (Then pray you don’t drop dead before you have the chance to edit.)
4. Brag. This is a fine line, but I’ll go out on a limb here and say it’s okay to brag about your kids and grandkids. If you want nice things said about you, then convince your kids to write their own letter where they can brag on you. Don’t forget to pay them.
5. Include a Picture. To those of you out there who buy a stack of photos with a cute border, slap on a signature (if that) and stuff an envelope – that doesn’t cut it. However, a picture is a nice addition to the card/letter combo. If you have a new yahct to pose in front of, by all means go for it. But remember that everyone just wants to see how you’re aging. (If you’re having a bad face month, just send a picture of the kids. They’re always cute.)
Peace.
Out.

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