Stuff I Learned at My 40th Birthday Party

I threw myself a big party for my fortieth birthday. We had an 80s Prom theme because I couldn’t think of anything more fun and sillier, and because I really needed an excuse to tease my hair. In addition to having a great time and celebrating this milestone date on the calendar in over-the-top style, I also learned a few things.

Among them:

• The DJ is not always right, but usually he is.
• Aqua Net is a process.
• When it comes to flash photography, there is no such thing as too much makeup.
• If you want it how you want it, you have to do it yourself.
• When you invite a bunch of people who own cameras and Facebook accounts to your party, don’t drink.
• Some things that happened in high school will always happen, no matter how many milestone birthdays you have. But the older you get, the less you care.
• Balloon arches make everything better.
• Pretend magic wands actually work.
• It’s always nice to be called hot, even if the boy who says it is younger than the boy who took you to your actual prom over twenty years ago. And not hot.
• Dresses with big bustles cover a multitude of pole-worthy moves.
• After just a few drinks, the most dignified women you know will beg for Pussy Control. (It’s a song.)
• Beautiful cakes can taste great.
• Pink drink specials are dangerous.
• It’s a fine line, but you must learn to wear the tiara as long as you can get away with it, and not a minute longer.

Thanks to all of you who came for the spectacle. Thanks for all the fabulous birthday wishes. See you on the dance floor.

New Birthday Plan: No More Kids’ Parties

Dear Son,

I’m writing to tell you about an exciting change we’ll be making in regard to birthdays this year!

Because this is a big birthday year for me (rhymes with shorty), and because you’re such a big boy now, and frankly because I’m a little worn out with the whole kids’ birthday scene, we’re going to do things a little differently this year. Instead of me spending my time planning, executing, and cleaning up after your birthday party, you’re going to do all that for my birthday. Fun, huh?

First you’re going to help me make a list of all my very best friends. Don’t worry, the guest list won’t get out of hand. You know how I always limit the number of guests at your parties to your age? Same deal. I’ll only be inviting forty friends. And because my friends are slightly geographically diverse, transporting them all to the party could be tricky. But you’ll figure it out. Just like Daddy and I always find a way to shuttle your friends around. I promise my pals will smell better. Most of them anyway.

Aren’t you just dying to know the theme for my party? You know how you’re always begging fr pizza parties and laser tag parties and parties where you eat pizza while riding go-carts and playing laser tag in space? I want a cool party too. That’s why I’ll be going to a spa with my forty friends. (I have NO idea how much this costs, but you might want to start saving your allowance now.)

When you think about it, it’s a pretty good deal for you because it frees you from cooking a bunch of food we might very well a) eat without tasting, b) throw at each other, or c) shove down our throats so fast it makes us sick enough to vomit on the ‘good’ carpet.

After the party of course I’ll expect you to hound me night and day until I write each and every last thank you note. You’ll also need to keep track of my gifts and write down exactly how to word my gratitude to each of my guests.

Finally, when I get bored with all my presents – like a week later – I’m going to be really crabby and whiny. I may refuse to do ordinary tasks like make your dinner and wash your underwear. Don’t take this personally. After all, you’re the one spoiling me rotten! I’m really excited about this year’s birthday plans and so proud of you, my grown up little boy!

If you think I am so hilarious and you’d love to see columns like this in your local newspaper or parenting magazine, let me know. After the Bubbly is available for syndication, cheap.