Sucky Parenting Advice

Last weekend we put a wood floor in the office. (And by we, I mean my husband and children because I had really important other things to do such as swoop up some new Yellow Box flip flops on sale.) But anyway….

My role was organizing and rebuilding the office, better, stronger than it was before. In the process of clearing out everything and starting over from scratch, I decided to go through the bookshelves with a judgmental eye. No keeping books just for books’ sake. Here are a few of the titles that didn’t make the cut:

• Dr. Sears’ Discipline Book - Because not once in that whole thing does he advocate beating with a stick. AND he claims threats and bribery are “bad”. Whatevs Dr. Sears.
• Power of 10 - This book claimed it could whip me into the top shape of my life in 20 minutes a week. Somehow those promises never materialized as thinner thighs.
• The Pacific Northwest Camping Guide, 1994-1995 edition - In case I what? Travel back in time? While this one didn’t make it, the complete guide to bicycling the San Juan islands did. You never know.

And my personal favorite: Life’s Little Treasure Book On Parenting. What a crock this little gem is. Here’s a sample of its wisdom of the ages:

• Plant a tree the day your child is born.
  And when you’re done with that, get your lazy ass in the kitchen and make me some pie!
  
• Remember the three universal healers: Calamine lotion, warm oatmeal, and hugs.
  I thought they were vodka, gin, and tequila?

• Don’t brag about one of your children in the presence of another.
  How else are you supposed to get them to vie for your love and attention?

• Never say anything uncomplimentary about your spouse in front of the children.
  Oops.

• Never buy a child a drum.
  Unless that child belongs to a sibling or an in-law with whom you have unresolved anger issues.

Free books. On my front steps. Yours for the taking.