I Subscribe to GQ For the Articles

When I was in 8th grade I had ads from GQ Magazine taped all over my walls. Who was with me? We didn’t know all those beautiful men were gay!

<— This guy is not. At least, not when I think of him.

Johnny, I know I’ve been aloof lately. What can I say? Life gets busy. Just a heads up, though – if Sarah Palin gets the GOP nomination, I’m taking you up on that come-to-my-villa-in-France offer. But only if you stop waxing. Okay, no, that’s a lie. I’ll be there regardless.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a magazine to read.

Applying MBA Savvy to My Life

Many of my brilliant friends (and a few of the dull ones) are MBAs. They view the world differently than the rest of us–often in paradigms and matrices. Sometimes these contrived models of perception are even useful.

For example, some European genius came up this idea of order qualifiers and order winners. An order qualifier is a characteristic of a product or service that is required in order for the product/service to even be considered by a customer. An order winner is a characteristic that will win the bid or customer’s purchase. An order qualifier for a Big Mac is that it contain two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. An order winner would be if the kid at the counter serves it quickly and with a smile.

To my family, you could learn a thing or two.

Order Qualifiers – to clarify, these are the minimum things you need to do in order to avoid my wrath:

• Picking up your crap
• Not smelling bad
• Never whining
• Leaving me alone
• Cleaning your own bathroom

Order Winners – things that will get me to stock the pantry with your favorite foods:

• Addressing me as Gorgeous, or Mother Dearest
• Keeping the dog away from me
• Foregoing the clothes you ‘need’ so that I can get my face sanded down
• Making dinner – and keep it healthy, would you?
• Programming the universal remote so that I can use it to actually change channels AND adjust the volume

A little advice from me to you. Make of it what you will.

My Belly Wrinkles are Thanks to You

The other day I was telling my family all about my friend’s belly dancing group and how great this woman looks and how fun I thought it would be to take some classes.

“I think I might take up belly dancing myself,” I told them.

My daughter looked at me with a blank stare. And it really was blank, not all snotty like it will be in a couple more years. She’s still sweet and basically approving of me. Still, she had a look.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing.” She returned to her pancakes. Maybe she hoped the whole thing would go away.

“Not nothing. What?”

“Well,” she said, thinking longer before speaking than she usually does. “Do they even take people with wrinkly bellies?”

I smiled and laughed.

I envied her flat little belly–the one that will stay that way until she has her own little puddle of sunshine to point out that, oops, it’s not anymore. I did not tell her that my wrinkly belly has nothing to do with my age or my level of fitness or anything other than the fact that I foolishly mated with a man who is a full foot taller than me and who has an extremely large head. I did not tell this little ingrate that she and her brother each grew so large that I gained almost half my body weight carrying them around for nine months. Didn’t mention that the little suckers were so big and ill-positioned that they had to be literally cut out of my body. And that one day she too may suffer this hideous fate.

I just smiled and laughed.

My belly. Yeah, it’s a little wrinkly. You’re welcome.

Book Review: The Blackberry Diaries

You know what cracks me up more than just about anything else? When people say they check their email once a day. Or every other day. Really? Seriously? Because even before I got the I-can-stop-anytime iPhone, I checked my email many, many times throughout the day. We’re living in a mobile, wired world, people. Hop on. That’s the subject of Kathy Buckworth’s The Blackberry Diaries.

I reviewed The BlackBerry Diaries here – sort of. Mostly I just bitched about how jealous I am that I didn’t write it.

Check out the review and then come back share your own technology addiction and/or rehab story in the comments here. I’ll be giving away a copy of the book to my favorite story.

How to Date Like the Obamas

There’s a way you can be like the President. They call it date night, and though I’m not a very good dater in real life, I play one in Peekaboo magazine every month. Recently I pointed out the differences between your dating prospects and the Obamas’.

The Obamas have a limo and driver, which leaves little chance of getting in a fight on the way to the restaurant because Barack won’t stop to ask for directions.

You have a minivan with Chick-Fil-A ground into the seats and a collection of pinecones from Hobbs State Park rolling around the back. Sexy.

Read the rest on Peekaboo.

Empty Nests and Preachers’ Kids

A friend’s daughter, who is leaving for college this summer recently received notification that she’d been assigned a roommate in the dorms. The only information the school sent was the girl’s name, address, and phone number. So my friend’s daughter called the girl to introduce herself.

Well, not right away. That would’ve been too easy. Read more

Nominate Lela For the ‘Stop, Stop, I’ll Pee’ Award

Last week I received a message from an account exec at a PR firm who represents Poise pads. (This is what happens when you write publicly about your ‘issues’.) But, hey – it’s an award and I’m not really so picky. Also, the message encouraged self nominations. But the real reason I want you to nominate me is because the prestigious Poise Passion award includes ‘an exclusive performance by Grammy-Award winning musicians and activists, the Indigo Girls!’

Hello? A semi-private concert with Emily and Amy? Sign me up! Learn how after the jump. Read more

Pass the Bubbly Summer Vacation Style

I’m totally ready for summer vacation. In the words of a wise woman – I will survive. I think. But when I get stuck, I’ll know I’m not alone.

• Denae’s real life was backordered, so she’s enjoying this one. I’m linking to her summer vacation quiz *mostly* because I really like Mormons (and Baptists) who talk about drinking tequila and popping Valium. That’s funny.
• Need out? Lesley Stern helps us all learn how to live it up for less. With pictures. Who says you can’t afford a vacation this year?
• How this woman has enough wits about her to be witty I’ll never know. Will she survive summer with triplets plus one? Her kids will be entertained at least:

  “Let’s play paper dolls and make new clothes for them and cut a trillion tiny pieces of paper and leave them all over the floor.”

How will you survive? We’re all dying to know!

If I Had Tweeted My Labor

OMG! Just started timing contractions. Totally on schedule. This is going to be soooo great. Can’t wait to start breathing exercises!

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Contractions are starting to hurt. Husband wants to go to the hospital but I’m calling the doula. Need to labor at home a while.

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Damn this hurts! Breathing not bringing the relief I thought it would. Cramps are WAY worse than in the pictures.

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Couldn’t wait for doula to show. Threw up en route to the hospital. Husband is totally freaking out.

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Trying to Tweet in the tub w/o *ing up my iPhone. Is it normal to sound like a hurt cow?

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The comfort of water is over-rated. The tub is now freezing but it hurts too bad to move. WTF? Who thought of this?

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Okay – way better now. Taking drugs. Something with ‘cain’ at the end took the edge off. Waiting for my epidural!!!!

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ROTFLMAO – Dr. Feelgood just asked if I was in the middle of a contraction! Ha! I’ll show him a contraction!

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Epidurals=NOT overrated!! Doula is helping me get into soothing positions, just tried to sneak me a granola bar.

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9 1/2? 9 1/2? WTF is 9 1/2? When is this *ing monster going to get the hell out of there? Seriously, suck this thing out NOW!

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Totally should have gotten that one final pedicure.

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Okay, fine. I give up. They’re shaving me now. We’re going to get this kid out one way or another. Okay – the other way…

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Does anyone speak anesthesiologist? What part of ‘Yes, I can feel that’ is so hard to understand?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

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Something just popped. What was that? Gotta go, face mask is coming and they’re making me count. 10, 9, 8, 7, …..

Toss in a Load of Hope

Can you remember the last time you used a laundromat? The last time I was without so much as an apartment laundry room was almost 20 years ago. I have fond memories laundromats. They’re great for people watching after all. And then there was that time the hot Jehovah’s Witness had me all but swooning before he handed me the ‘tract’ that depicted the heathen woman (presumably me) being consumed by the ravaging flames of hell.

But I digress…..

I long ago left public laundry doing behind. But what if a disaster (like last month’s NWA ice storm!) robbed me of the pleasure of my beloved Maytag Neptune? What would I do? What would you?

Enter Proctor & Gamble and their Loads of Hope program. (And we just love P&G here in NWA anyway, don’t we?).

What Is Loads of Hope?

Ever since Hurricane Katrina in 2005, Tide Loads of Hope trucks have been rolling into communities that have been clobbered with a natural disaster. The free mobile laundry service consists of a truck with 32 high-efficiency washers and dryers stationed that can do 300 wash and dry cycles a day. That’s about a year’s worth of laundry for a single family.

In addition to the trucks, Loads of Hope vans partner with local laundromats to provide free laundry service.

According to P&G, Tide Loads of Hope has washed more than 35,000 loads of laundry for over 20,000 families since the program’s inception. How cool is that?

The Program Rolls On

The coolest thing about Loads of Hope – and the silver lining to our country’s most devastating natural disaster – is that the program is ongoing. It is poised and ready to take action whenever and wherever there is a need in our country.

How You Can Help

You can support the Tide Loads of Hope can also be supported through the purchase of a Tide Vintage Tee. They’re pretty cute and all profits go to support families affected by disaster.

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