Domestic air travel is never complete without a flip through the SkyMall catalog. Although I have never made a purchase, I have been tempted. But mostly I’m just confused.

• A lot of children need caring homes so if you think your dog needs a compression sweater to quell canine anxiety, you might consider getting an actual child.
• Anyone modeling a shapewear system has never needed shapewear.
• Reading a 5-page abstract of a 500-page book does not make you smart; it makes you an asshole.
• Cat owners, I beg you, do not potty train your pets. Pawprints on the toilet seat? Not to mention that once they learn to flush they will quickly figure out the password to your bank account. Finally, they call your attorney and change the medical directive. Slippery slope, that toilet seat.
• Speaking of cats and potty, you’re not fooling anyone with that clever catbox hidden in the “handsome furniture.”
• People who spend their days like a rotisserie chicken next to the pool are not concerned with proper spinal alignment. Ergo, no ergonomic beach lounger required.
• Why are there no Mickey Mouse topiaries? Some of us would like to transform our foyers into the happiest place on Earth. Get on it, SkyMall.
• $1,284 for 10 leather placemats and matching coasters? Marketed as a conference room set? Jokes on you, Corporate America!
• Thank you for making the Meerkat Gang statue nearly two feet tall. Nothing worse than midget meerkats.
• Laser hair comb: the male version of instant wrinkle reducer?
• 28-day mascara is non-toxic and does not contain coal tar! And it is approved by the Cosmetology Board. I’m in.

It’s not all crap. In fact, if you love me, please send an authentic bluegrass autoharp. Or, The Wedge. I’ve heard those are good.

Image: WexDub, Flickr

“Hey, what are you doing after this?”

After this? What is he talking about? There is no after this. This is this. In fact, he has reminded me to check the time because this needs to end in 45 minutes before the taxi fare doubles. Instead of explaining this and the raging “after party” that is my facial cleansing routine, I tell him we are here to celebrate my friend’s impending nuptials.

“Why don’t you give me your phone number?”

“You know what,” I say “I’m married, so you probably don’t want my number.”

“Married, huh?” He pondered a moment. “Give me your number. I’ll do everything your husband won’t do.”

Really? Everything my husband won’t do? Everything?

Was he actually offering to do windows, grout, stop for directions, clean the crumbs around the toaster, watch movies starring Reese Witherspoon, and use the last of the mustard before opening a new one?

Who says you can’t meet quality men in a club?

If you liked this one, check out these:

• Clubbin’ OKC Style
• A Night at the Wine Bar
• Match.com’s Got Nothing on This

Many writers I know do not want to be bothered by social media sites like Facebook and Twitter. They just want to write without regard to the promotion side. Too bad. If you’re working online at all, or offline for that matter, and you’re not using social media you’re going to be left behind. No question. So let’s address some of the most common objections I hear.

I Don’t Want to Spam My Friends

I hope that you are proud of the work you’re publishing online. If not, maybe you should reconsider your assignments, or what you choose to write about, or the quality of your work. At the very least, perhaps you should be using a pen name if you’re simply churning out crap. But that’s not you, is it? You, who are taking the time to read this article. You’re doing good work, but you don’t want to bother your friends with repeated requests to read your work. Sound like you?

First of all, don’t flatter yourself. You’re one of dozens, probably hundreds, possibly thousands of “friends” your social media connections are exposed to. You may put out 50 updates in a month and your friends only see a few. It’s not like we’re all reading every single one of those status updates and tweets, right? (And if a person really reads every single one then they have bigger problems than being annoyed by your links.) Bottom line, it’s a numbers game.

Second, flatter yourself. Linking to a cool article you wrote that is published on a cool website or magazine is not spam. Your friends really do want to know what you’re up to. And you never know who will happen upon your link just when they have that very topic on their mind, or when they have a friend who really needs the information or the support offered in your piece. So share already. Share!

I’m Too Busy For Social Media

No, actually, you are not allowed to be too busy for social media. Not if you want to be successful. I know it can seem overwhelming to think of getting on Facebook and Twitter once or more per day, to “keep up” with one more thing. But there are tools that make it easy. Well, maybe not easy, depending on your level of resistance, but doable for sure. TweetDeck and HootSuite are popular free applications that allow you to schedule status updates in Facebook and Twitter tweets in advance. Fifteen minutes a week of focused effort can do wonders to establish your online presence.

A sample week’s worth of tweets and updates:

• Monday – a link to an article (past or current)
• Tuesday – ask a question to engage your audience (yes, YOU have an audience!)
• Wednesday – quote or word of encouragement
• Thursday – RT (retweet) someone else’s cool article or comment (this builds goodwill with your peers!)
• Friday  – another link to an article (only two a week – see, not spammy!)
• Saturday – another engaging question
• Sunday – more words of wisdom, encouragement

Not so bad, right?

I have a client, a baby food manufacturer, for whom I handle social media. I manage twice weekly Facebook updates and daily Twitter updates in under an hour and a half a month. I do almost ALL if it at once. When timely things come up I update the social media profiles, but I do the bulk of the updates once a month.

If I Get on Facebook and Twitter I’ll Be Too Distracted to Work

Getting distracted from your work is up to you. If you have a plan similar to the one I described above, you don’t really need to have your social media programs open when you’re not directly working on them. Don’t be held back by this excuse. You must learn to manage the distraction factor of social media (and everything else online) if you want to be successful working out here in the webs, or again – anywhere else.

Fine, But I Only Want to Share Professional Stuff with my Facebook Friends

Here’s how I see the public/private challenge of social media. The medium of online communication has a built in expectation of some personal commentary. Almost all writing online has some “voice,” some aspect of the work that the reader directly connects with. Otherwise, why are they reading you instead of the hundreds of thousands of others who are writing on the same topic in a similar style? The answer is that there is something about YOU that draws them in. It’s not all business, not just the facts.

You have to give a bit of yourself in your social media communication, too. You may not choose to be completely transparent in every way, but you will not connect with readers if you try to keep everything on a purely professional basis. Readers want you to be a real person. There are many ways to manage this, but the fundamental thing is to DECIDE how you will present yourself in social media, whether that means having a writer “Page,” limiting your updates to certain aspects of your life, or creating an alter ego for your “real” friends. These are personal choices and people do it a lot of different ways. Again, don’t let this challenge hold you back.

It’s really not so scary, I promise. More than anything it requires a decision to do it and a level of organization that allows you to “batch manage” your social media interaction. I hope this helps. Feel free to add your two dollars in the comments. We’re all learning, and this stuff changes every day. I’m sure that makes you feel better!

“Have  you been watching Lara Croft, Tomb Raider again?” I asked.

“Nope–” he said, all deep throated and extra confident, “Clint Eastwood.”

Needless to say the boxed set is already midair on some Fedex plane. Make my day, Baby.

• We ran out of chips.
• Stop that! You want to get Javier fired?
• Go ahead, show ‘em. They don’t even have YouTube in Mexico.
• Why are the passports wet?
• You have transportation?
• Oh, he’ll be over there… sometime. Maybe tomorrow.
• I haven’t gotten up to pee all day!
• Just out of curiosity, where is my wallet?

We talked smack all evening about the superior nature of our decorative cross beams. Take that, Joneses.

Even the kids woke up this morning and declared, “Our pergola is WAY better than Mr. Joneses’.”

Their formal training has begun.

Last week was stormy in my part of the world. The seven day forecast showed dark clouds and thunderbolts on every single day. The Girl put her request in on Sunday night:

“Can you pick me up from the bus stop this week?”

“If it’s raining? Sure. I could do that.”

“Yes, Mom, you can do it. Just pretend you’re one of those [insert air quotes] caring moms.”

Feel the love?

“Yeah, the teacher finally told us that people have sex for pleasure.”

“Extreme pleasure,” I added.

“Really? Is it extremely pleasurable when you do it, Mom?”

Absolutely. I’m on board. Now, where is Isaac with my daiquiri?