You made your bed?
Uh huh.

And the closet?
Yes, Mom! Jeez.

Most of you do not know this, because I didn’t tell you, because I was sort of sad and pitiful, but I auditioned to be an iVillage iVoices video correspondent. I was rejected. And then I went and did it all over again. You know what happened, right? Because I am clearly NOT an iVillage iVoice video correspondent. (Because I think we all know how many times I would have mentioned it if I were. So, yeah, two rejections was humbling, but whatever. I’m used to it, and not because I’m being self-deprecating, but because rejection is a huge part of the writing business.

I was sad not to be the next big video star, but the people at iVillage, especially Kelly Wallace, were so kind and generous, that I couldn’t be even a little bit miffed. And I made some new online friends in the process. Love those.

Luckily, almost two years after initially applying for the video gig, iVillage decided to do a special report on the Best and Worst States for Women. I was thrilled when Kelly asked me represent Arkansas and I set out to show the world that we have teeth and are actually quite happy in the Natural State. This video features some of the very best women in Arkansas. And they are my friends, in real life. Love those, too.

I hope you’ll take a look and let me know what you think, about Arkansas, the ranking in general, or that unfortunate outfit choice.

Read more about the bottom 5 states on iVillage

According to Grandparents.com, 10% of grandparents have a tattoo. One can assume that not all of them are ex-Marines or Hell’s Angels. Tattoos have become mainstream, even for the Golden Girls set. We don’t know when today’s grandparents acquired their body décor, but at a certain age, many of the standard cautions no longer apply. For example, maturity prevents some potentially regrettable design decisions. (Or, at least you live fewer years with “I heart Ron Paul” on your ankle.) A 2008 Harris poll revealed that tattoos make the people feel sexy, rebellious, and strong. I’m not sure what effect this would have on hip fractures, but I’m willing to keep an open mind.

Read the rest of this post on Today Show Moms.

Image: robstephaustralia, Flickr

If you travel with your family for sporting events, Quiz Bowl competitions, or even family “vacation,” you may recognize the special brand of pain that is sharing a tiny little space with the people that you love the most. (Because loving them doesn’t mean you like them in close quarters, and uninterrupted.)

Meet Me at the Hotel Room

Can you relate? There’s more where that came from.

Order Blacklisted from the PTA in paperback or Kindle now.

Like This? Try These:

• Podcast: Does Sam’s Club Count as Date Night?
• Podcast: Holiday Baking Disaster

Audio: Lela Davidson

Image: Funky Tee: Flickr

I love to entertain. Rather, I love when people bring wine to my house. Sometimes that’s the end of it. I sneak off to the bathroom with a bottle opener and my husband feigns death until the guests leave. That’s on a good night. Usually I enter into some charade of hospitality wherein someone generally says, “You do realize you’re hosting this thing, right?”

Here’s the thing, having friends over should be fun, and friends don’t care if your dishes match or there are crumbs on the floor, or the mushrooms in your risotto grew on your picnic table. And if the people at your house aren’t friends, why in the name of Nigella did you invite them? Regardless, here are my rules for stress-free and easy entertaining that puts hosts and guests alike at ease.

1. Experiment with Recipes – Nothing brings friends together like a sharing a delicious meal, expertly prepared. Equally bonding: shared immediate onset food poisoning. (Think Bridesmaids.)

2. Put the Lazy Bastards to Work – People always get along on communes, right up until the asteroid is due. So always recruit someone to dress the salad and someone to mix the Koolaid.

3. Liquor, Booze, and Hooch – Seriously. People just get along better under the influence. And they think they’re funnier, which of course makes them funnier. And if your friends get ugly when they drink, buy them wife beater tanks and trucker hats. And get new friends.

Do you have entertaining tips? Let us know here, and then join the conversation over on BlogHer, where the other participating bloggers have likely posted advice that is actually helpful.

And be sure to enter to win a Kindle Fire while you’re there!

Image: Mipsy Retro, Flickr

I picked up my son and his friend from the bus stop. It was only my second time in the carpool rotation and I was still feeling my way around the social life of teenage boys. I suspected their lack of interaction might indicate a rift, but I knew enough to keep quiet until I dropped Mark at his door.

“Did something happen between you two?” I asked, once it was just my son and I in the car.

He took a deep breath. “Well… Mark hates gays.”

Read the rest of this post on Modern Mom.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!

Signed,

Dubious Room Mom

Read my answer on The Mouthy Housewives

Try These, Too. Pretty Please:

• Confessions of a Dirty Housewife
• 7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA
• Applying MBA Savvy to My Life

Image: spaceoddisey, Flickr

I’ve been trying to keep my daughter busy, I really have. But with her big brother at camp, it’s been a challenge. She’s crafty and artistic, which can be good. Or terrifying. Imagine my surprise at our newly painted front walk.

What is that?

What?

On the sidewalk.

Paint.

Paint?

Sidewalk paint.

Where did you get it?

I made it.

You made it? Out of what?

I don’t know — cornstarch.

Does it wash off?

Yes.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Yesterday she melted crayons into the deck. At least this time it’s in the front, which if it does not wash off, provides the added bonus of pissing off the neighbors.

More of the Madness:

• A Case for Arts in Education
• Can We Listen to Hot Mix Now?
• Conservationist Rednecks in Training

Sadly, they wouldn’t let me to use the search term “Mexican Xanax.”

Enjoy, show your friends, go to Amazon and pre-order the book. Because I need money for jeans.

It’s true, the book is available for pre-order now on Amazon. Publication date is July 12th, just in time for the pool!

If Charlie Sheen lived on my cul-de-sac:

~ block parties would be fun again.
~ his yard would look both bitchin’ and gnarly, BUT
~ he would SO get written up for not bringing in his trash bins.
~ we could all stop trying to get high off Ritalin and Nyquil.
~ I would ask him to tutor my kids in Greek mythology. Hello? Adonis DNA? Beds goddesses?
~ he could teach the rest of us how to deal with fools and trolls.
~ I would stop bugging the doctor next door to call in prescriptions and get Charlie to cure my Strep with his brain.
~ a LOT of people would be praying for him. A lot.

Most importantly, if Charlie Sheen lived on my cul-de-sac
~ I would no longer be the last person invited to the carpool.

Don’t tell me Sheen wouldn’t fit in here in Suburbia. His life is perfect, remember? Just like all of ours.