Shopping With My 75-Year-Old Mother-in-Law

My mother-in-law and I do not agree on fashion. Chicos is chic, she counsels, modern. She once told my children I needed to stop dressing like a teenager. An old friend, when I told her this, said, “Clearly she didn’t know you when you were a teenager.” Clearly.

On a recent visit, she conned me into taking her to Dillard’s on the pretense of buying herself a shirt outside of my father-in-law’s frugal watch. After twenty minutes at the Ralph Lauren racks, pointing out which zebra print and nautical sweaters would look lovely with my coloring, she gave up.

“This is my daughter,” she told the sales clerk. “I try to buy her things, but you can’t buy her anything. Because she’s petite, but she’s not petite.”

The woman smiled and nodded toward the petite section. “But there’s nothing young over there. She needs to shop on that side of the store.” She pointed to the department where no one had a walker, or an oxygen mask.

My mother-in-law dismissed her with a look. ”But I like Ralph Lauren.”

Vintage View: Rosie, Elizabeth, and The Donald

After more than twelve years, The View may seem like a daytime institution, but when the show began it was groundbreaking. Smart, opinionated women not only talking about their lives and the day’s events, but arguing about them. Add some celebrities and fashion advice and they had a hit. I liked it then and I like it now. The gossip isn’t as good as on my driveway, but the fights are sometimes smarter.

And speaking of fights, my favorite co-host was Rosie.

Pick your side, but this clip is exactly what Barbara Walters set out to create with this show.

And who can forget Rosie’s rant against Donald Trump. (I like him, but her criticism was spot on.)

I’m not fat or gay. I’m not quite as obnoxious as Rosie. Not quite. But I like to challenge people. I’m the Rosie of my circles. Of course that’s why I love her. Or maybe it was the hair. If Trump had her stylist, everything could have been different.

I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other The View branded items to facilitate my review.

40th Birthday Party Themes

I had a big party for my 40th birthday, and it was fun – capital F kind of fun. As some of my girlfriends are getting close to their big days, we’re coming up with themes for their parties. We talked about luaus, casino nights, Oscar themes. One friend is planning to have hers at the roller rink. The guys are not as interested. Forty is not their big year anyway. Looking toward 50 they only came up with one party idea: strip club theme.

Just think of the party favors: little purple pills.

Dating at the Prime of Life

For all its pain and suffering, marriage does have one distinct advantage: we don’t have to date. From all I hear it seems really, really, painfully difficult. And it’s not just that I’ve been married so long that I have forgotten what it was like. I never actually dated. I was one of those dreadful girls who just went from one boyfriend to another to my husband with precious few periods of ‘dating’ in between.

I’m not sure I could handle the scene at this age, which–if my friends are to be believed–includes the following:

• men who have grandchildren, yet still live with their mothers
• women who run credit reports before the first date
• limited small town prospects that make dating after divorce feel like getting tossed into a bag of ‘Shake ‘N Bake until someone sticks
• too-high bikini area maintenance standards
• modern communication: did he really get my text?
• so much corporate travel you have to MapQuest your own address when you finally get home
• the new math required to determine how many dates until…
• exes and custody schedules

But go on, y’all – date. I enjoy living vicariously through you. I live to give you my bullshit all-knowing advice without having to personally suffer the emotional upheaval it causes. Who knows? You may end up married like me. Then I’ll be very helpful.

Sass Runs in Packs

It’s that time again. Links to stuff I like. I have good taste, so go read this stuff. And make sure you tell them Lela sent you!

 

• Wendi had a bad week. Go cheer her up – she’ll return the favor!
• The Mouthy Housewives (this one is actually Wendi too) gives us the definition of a Cougar. Finally. Now that I’m forty, it’s very important information for me personally.
• And speaking of, who wants to be a Cougar anyway? Not Gretchen Shift. I love this piece on MyPheme, and I wholeheartedly agree. Why would anyone want to be the older woman?
• Don’t forget the fork. Jessica Bern tells why.

Healthcare Meets Commerce at Walmart Medical

My Walmart has a clinic. It’s extremely convenient on a weekend when your kid spikes a fever and is coughing like a barking seal. Just pop in, take a number, and wait for an exam. A quick, illegible scribble on the magic pad translates to a full night of sleep.

They don’t give you a number, though. They give you one of those beeper things like at the Olive Garden. They encourage you to go shop around the store - handle some greeting cards, breathe on the produce – whatever you want. But you’re not waiting for all you can eat soup, salad, and bread sticks. You’re trying to prevent the spread of disease.

Maybe the clinic people just want you out of their hair or maybe the save-money-live-better people are simply squeezing savings out of not buying waiting room chairs. Maybe they’re passing those savings on to you, the consumer with the contagious kid. After all, you have better things to spend your money on – like those Mommy’s Little Helpers also known as Benadryl and cough syrup.

Maybe I’m cynical (okay I am), but if the clinic people send you and your nasty germs out into the store where all the other people are, doesn’t it follow that more people will get sick and need clinic services? Makes you think twice about sampling the grapes too. Win-win.

My Favorite Funny Mom Blogs

I have finally gotten around to adding some links to my new blogroll. (Down there, on the right.) Go for a laugh and let them know you found them here on After The Bubbly!

Crazy Texas Mommy manages to mock the Stepford moms and the tatted granola parents at her kids meet the teacher nights. Sure, but did she piss off the office staff too? She still has a little to learn from this PTA mom.

Wendi Aarons makes me laugh out loud every time, but especially with this ode to back tats. And reminds me why I have no ink.

Jessica Bern is trying to survive single motherhood, her family of origin, and dating the under-employed. Now if only she could find her keys.

Okay – I promise to add more soon. These are my favorites.

Would You Sell Your Sex Life for $20?

 

The following classified recently ran in my local paper:

Needed for research
University of Arkansas – Psych. Dep. seeks romantic couples to participate in interviews on relationship and sexual satisfaction. Couples will get $20 gift cards. 

Whoa, now. Twenty bucks? How romantic do you suppose a couple would have to be to consider this a date night activity? And where do you think the gift card is redeemable? Harp’s? One can only hope it’s a pre-paid Visa.

I wonder if the couples will have make up sex after the fight over how to spend the $20.

Sounds like a follow up interview.

Pass the Bubbly: Green Ink and Links

Okay, so I need a little help today. First, the light green header and link ink – is it annoying or is that just my you’re-almost-forty-who-are-you-trying-to-kid eyes? Second, are you enjoying these links? Because I’ll tell you what – if you think it’s just my sorry way of slacking off and not writing a post then we are on exactly the same wave length.

However, turns out it takes far more time for me to choose and post links than to rattle off some smart mouthed comment or humiliating detail of my children’s lives. So just let me know, please. If you like the links, I’ll add more. And if not, well I’ll just have to find another way to spend my mornings…..

In the meantime, check out these funny women:

• When Jessica’s daughter goes away for a week, she tries to spice up her pathetic life with some domestic projects and unsuccessful fliration. Similarly, with my kids away at day camp, I am finding myself wasting the days on watching reality shows on MTV. And we all know those are not the good ones.
• New advice site Mouthy Housewivesis great. And it ain’t no Dear Abby. Both Wendi Aarons and Jessica Bern, who I link to a lot, contribute to this sassy online advice column.
• Ah… marriage… what would we be without our significant others to tell us just how ridiculous we really are? Wendi Aarons may be a hypochondriac, but as long as we all get a laugh out of it, I say it’s healthy.
• Sugar knows how to camp, right out back in the community garden. Okay, so she was just testing out the tent. But I really like this post because it reminds me of our recent camping debacle that climaxed in our driving home from the lake at midnight. I’m sure nothing like that will happen to Sugar Jones.
• The Homesteading Housewife has a cautionary tale to anyone who has passed through the grocery store doors to pick up ‘just a few things’ refusing the cart and the basket. Bad things can happen. Prosecutable things.
• I absolutely cannot wait to hear Crazy Texas Mommy’s adventures in PTA. Watch out ladies, Candance has signed the clipboard.

Where Do Watermelons Come From?

Remember when watermelons had seeds? When I was a kid, all watermelons had shiny black seeds. But not long ago we started having to make a choice at the grocery store. The seedless watermelons would be off in some special bin and cost a couple bucks more than your regular black seed variety. And if you’re like me, you chose the seedy ones because they’re redder, and prettier, and generally taste better. Or maybe because you didn’t want to spring for that extra two dollars and you secretly enjoy spitting out the seeds and acting like a country girl. Plus, if you get the seedy melons, you can issue those dire warnings to your kids about not swallowing the seeds or else a watermelon vine would grow in their bellies. And if they were still very young they believed us for a moment before they started giggling.

But now there are no seeds, no choice between seedy or seedless – at least not where I shop. It’s just a bin of watermelons. Take it or leave it.

As my husband was enjoying a slice over the sink last night, he looked at me all serious and said,

“So – if there are no seeds…..? “

Seriously – is there a watermelon stork? Did we create the Best Watermelon Ever and clone it? Are we just using up the world inventory and when they’re gone they’re gone? What is the future of the watermelon?

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