Begging Kate Gosselin to Resist the Reverse Mullet
by Lela Davidson on May 19, 2009
in Current Events, Favorites
Let me start out by saying I’ve only caught a few moments of Jon and Kate Plus 8 here and there. Watching two people try to corral a classroom’s worth of children just isn’t my idea of a relaxing way to spend an evening. I don’t watch Biggest Loser or The Amazing Race either. Who needs to witness all that back breaking labor?
All this to say I don’t know anything about these people, the way they raise their children, or the alleged affair that’s steaming up the tabloids I furtively peruse in line at Wal-Mart.
But I do know a bit about hair, short hair in particular. And I can see, Kate, that your current haircut is either a gross error in judgment or a desperate plea for help. In either case, I beleive you deserves our support in moving beyond this catastrophic period in personal hair history.
I say this out of love, I really do. Because I have been there. I understand all too well the frustration of short cuts that don’t fall quite right, the grow out gone wrong, and the yearning for a just a few wisps to hide the damage done by tiny crows who’d track up our still fabulous eyes. I’ve been there. I get it.
The temptation is strong, but whatever you do, you must resist the reverse mullet.
Not since the pre-Miley’s-Dad Billy Ray Cyrus have we seen a public figure with hair so disconnected. Your hair screams indecision, but dear, you just can’t have it both ways. It’s not your fault. Clearly your hairdresser is to blame. Shame, shame on the cruel cutter who does not extol the virtues of blending. Not nice. Not nice at all. Seriously, Kate, call me. I’ll give you a number.
And it’s not just about you either. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for every other woman who’s looking up to you, who’s sitting out there right now watching some rerun and thinking that’s it! That’s my next haircut! Save her. Don’t let another sister in short hair fall into the trap of soft in the front, spiky in the back.
Just say no to the reverse mullet.
7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA
by Lela Davidson on April 8, 2009
in Favorites, Suburban Bliss
You hate the PTA. Admit it. You’d rather clean out the drain than volunteer for field day or bake muffins for all those ungrateful teachers. But someone’s got to do it, right? Much as you cannot stand the thought of one more silent auction, you don’t want to be that mom – the slacker who doesn’t care enough about the social and educational future of her children to get her lazy ass down to the cafeteria for the float committee meeting.
Instead of actually having to say no, wouldn’t it be easier to get kicked right out of the PTA? Now you can. I can help.
Here are 7 surefire techniques for getting banned from the PTA forever:
#1 – Pass out peanuts. 
Peanuts in public schools are like anthrax in Washington. Distribute peanut M&Ms to the kids in your charge at the petting zoo and you’ll never organize another field trip.
#2 – Get a job.
This is a drastic step, but if you miss enough of those 10:am meetings, you’ll never be asked to join another committee. Bonus: for this technique to work, you don’t actually have to get a job, but merely convince others that you have.
#3 – Botch the bulletin board.
You will eventually be asked to create an adorable bulletin board made of QTips or stunning botanical scenery for the second grade musical. Creating a horrid piece of artwork should be easy so if you’re in a hurry to get the boot, volunteer for this.
#4 – Show off your tramp stamp.
There is nothing to get mouths a-gaping like a little ink below the waist line. Strategic use of low rise jeans can insulate you from years of fall carnival shifts, spaghetti socials, and any other event that would put you in proximity of any Mr. PTAs.
#5 – Buy the wrong color.
It doesn’t matter what it is – balloons, paper plates, napkins – go against the committee’s ruling on a particular nuance of forest green and you can kiss your PTA career goodbye.
#6 – Piss off the Queen.
Work with your personality to find the most effective way to enrage the PTA Queen. It’s important to understand that PTA Queens often operate outside the official hierarchy of the PTA system. Learn who they are, irritate them, and go on with your merry non-PTA existence.
#7 – Embezzle the funds.
This is perhaps the most drastic step of all, but in many cases can result not only in your being shunned from the PTA, but every other well-meaning, time-sucking volunteer organization in town.
Keep all these in mind next time you stroll your happy little self down to the PTA meeting. Because really, aren’t they all a little easier than just saying no?
Have you been blacklisted from the PTA? We need your tips! Please help your fellow moms by sharing in the comments below!
More of My PTA Experience:
How Many Parents Does It Take to Make the 5th Grade Homecoming Float? – In a moment of weakness I volunteered for the 5th grade homecoming float committee. I know – the 5th grade has a homecoming float?
PTA Challenged – The day before the Thanksgiving musical, after the dress rehearsal, I got some feedback that maybe my son’s turkey costume wasn’t exactly the best in show.
Room Mother at Last – No one believed I could do it, but this post proves I did. And once is enough, right?
