Would You Be Buried In a Basket Casket?
by Lela Davidson on July 16, 2009
in Current Events
I saw on the news last week where the cool trendy sustainable thing to do after you die is to be buried in an eco-friendly container. This is basically a basket. It’s a basket casket. Unlike those pretty wood numbers that are not only creepy, but also take up valuable land space and natural resources, the basket casket decomposes right along with your rotting corpse. You can even be put to rest in a ‘natural setting’, a woodland happy land with a stone marker, or maybe just a tree to designate where your earthly body returned to the dirt.
What about cremation? I like the idea of being sprinkled somewhere, and cemetaries are so last century. We are a mobile society, no? Until I saw the basket casket report, I had assumed creamation was the way to go. But now they’re saying it takes resources to burn a body. And something about toxins released into the air. Yeesh.
We have really big storm drains on our street. Would that be green?
Top 5 Reasons Swine Flu is More Fun to Follow Than Sports
by Lela Davidson on May 28, 2009
in Current Events
I’m having a lot more fun tracking the spread of the swine flu than I ever have following sports. Maybe it’s because I’ve never actually been any good at sports, but I’m okay at getting sick once in a while. Or maybe it’s because H1N1 crushes sports for pure entertainment value.
I submit to you the Top 5 Reasons:
1. Swine Flu is Easy
Unlike following sports, you don’t really need to know what’s going on in order to make sense of flu stats. You just log on to the CDC site and watch the numbers grow.
2. Swine Flu is Inclusive
Like sports, there’s nothing you can do that will impact the outcome of the flu’s progression. However, at least with the flu there’s actually a good chance you will actually participate.
3. Swine Flu is Big Money
Sports is big money too, but flu has greater potential. Think Tamiflu sponsorship placcards on school busses and those leisure coaches old people travel around in. Plus, I’m betting there’s plenty of betting based on the H1N1 numbers.
4. Swine Flu is Easy to Armchair Quarterback
With sports you actually have to know what’s going on to make any kind of intelligent criticism. Flu is significantly easier to comment on. Three words: wash, your, hands.
5. Swine Flu Comes with a Cheaper Buzz and Fewer Side Effects
You can’t follow sports without beer and the good stuff’ll cost you. Germex, the swine flu fan’s intoxicant of choice, can be picked up for a few bucks at Walgreen’s. And there’s hardly any hangover.
Begging Kate Gosselin to Resist the Reverse Mullet
by Lela Davidson on May 19, 2009
in Current Events, Favorites
Let me start out by saying I’ve only caught a few moments of Jon and Kate Plus 8 here and there. Watching two people try to corral a classroom’s worth of children just isn’t my idea of a relaxing way to spend an evening. I don’t watch Biggest Loser or The Amazing Race either. Who needs to witness all that back breaking labor?
All this to say I don’t know anything about these people, the way they raise their children, or the alleged affair that’s steaming up the tabloids I furtively peruse in line at Wal-Mart.
But I do know a bit about hair, short hair in particular. And I can see, Kate, that your current haircut is either a gross error in judgment or a desperate plea for help. In either case, I beleive you deserves our support in moving beyond this catastrophic period in personal hair history.
I say this out of love, I really do. Because I have been there. I understand all too well the frustration of short cuts that don’t fall quite right, the grow out gone wrong, and the yearning for a just a few wisps to hide the damage done by tiny crows who’d track up our still fabulous eyes. I’ve been there. I get it.
The temptation is strong, but whatever you do, you must resist the reverse mullet.
Not since the pre-Miley’s-Dad Billy Ray Cyrus have we seen a public figure with hair so disconnected. Your hair screams indecision, but dear, you just can’t have it both ways. It’s not your fault. Clearly your hairdresser is to blame. Shame, shame on the cruel cutter who does not extol the virtues of blending. Not nice. Not nice at all. Seriously, Kate, call me. I’ll give you a number.
And it’s not just about you either. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for every other woman who’s looking up to you, who’s sitting out there right now watching some rerun and thinking that’s it! That’s my next haircut! Save her. Don’t let another sister in short hair fall into the trap of soft in the front, spiky in the back.
Just say no to the reverse mullet.
Tween Girls Beware of Deadly Build-a-Bear Flu
by Lela Davidson on April 28, 2009
in Current Events
U.S. health officials expressed concern today that a Build-a-Bear flu virus that has infected several tweens in the New York suburb of Scarsdale matches samples of a virus that has killed at least 52 different Build-a-Bears in a Fresno shopping mall.
Public health experts also are concerned because more than 1,000 girls have fallen ill after taking a new Build-a-Bear to bed.
“This situation has been developing quickly,” said a CDC representative. “As part of our emergency health procedures, all Build-a-Bears will be tested for fever at the nation’s airports.”
New York health officials announced Friday they are testing about 75 plush toys at a Queens toy store for the Build-a-Bear flu, which is thought to be transferable not only to tween girls, but also to other stuffed animals.
Although they are still selling the wildly popular teddy bears, Build-a-Bear stores nationwide have begun a wide scale testing protocol, focused on the shared stuffing pool where synthetic fibers are tossed and tumbled communal vat of innards. Tiny cotton face masks are also available as an add-on sale with a Build-a-Bear.
Wall Street lamented the deadly flu this week as stock in Hannah Montana took a dive. Economic experts worry that a pandemic could wreak havoc on our fragile economic recovery
“The only thing people are still buying is stuff for these screaming tween girls,” said one frazzled trader. “If we lose that sector, we’re all doomed! Doomed I tell you!”
Perhaps due to the genetic makeup of the fast-spreading Build-a-Bear strain of influenza, which includes genetic elements from Big Bird flu, Miss Piggy flu and snot nosed children spanning three continents, there is considerable speculation that the origins of this virus are man-made.
And then there are the conspiracy theories. It’s not an unreasonable question to ask: Could world governments have conspired to cause the downfall of Hannah Montana forever by a calculated execution of her fan base? The leader of the free world is, after all, the father of tween girls. Is this all a devious plan to rid our nation of the bop-bop beat of a Disney soundtrack?
Encouraged by President Barack Obama could dark forces have distributed a super virulent strain of influenza designed to “correct” the Hannah Montana problem?
Only time will tell. For now, hold your bears tight.
Disclaimer: Because my husband has a real job, one that provides value to society and not just smart remarks, he often wonders if I’m ever afraid that said remarks might inspire a lawsuit. Therefore, let it be known that this is purely an imaginary news report. No actual stuffed bears, Build or otherwise, have been harmed in the making of this post. Nor have any toys been found to carry a flu virus – on account of they’re not alive. Furthermore, the Davidson family adores Build-a-Bear. In fact, if the Build-a-Bear people wanted to send over some coupons for bears, we would gladly accept them. Heck, we’d even give them away to our beloved readers.
