“This one time? At band camp?”

I can’t help myself. It’s one of those stupid things that come out my mouth before I can help myself. I ONLY say it when they wear these t-shirts, which my daughter–the budding xylophonist–came downstairs wearing this morning. The older they get the more it irritates them.

“Mom, it’s not funny because we don’t know what it’s from.”

[snicker snicker]

“Either tell us or stop saying it.”

“No.”

In the carpool to school I might have said it again. The neighbor boy commiserated. “My parents say that, too.”

“It’s probably from Bridesmaids.”

“No way. It’s way older. My parents have been saying that since I was like four.”

“I’m going to google it,” said another neighbor. “There’s probably a YouTube video or something.”

God bless the internet.

Where I wonder if I’ve done my children a huge fiscal disservice and ultimately decide to leave their financial futures up to genetics. I’m all into science like that. How do you teach your kids about money? Because I fear mine are on their own. The little one with the good genes will be fine. I worry about her brother.

This post was underwritten by BMO Harris Bank, which offers a matching $25 on a new savings account opened for your child through their Helpful Steps for Parents program. Learn more at bmoharris.com/parents.

I move through most days without much thought to my children’s fiscal education. It’s that whole modeling/osmosis philosophy of parenting. My husband and I are responsible with our money, so our kids will naturally follow. Occasionally, however, I worry I may not be getting this right. Recently my teenage son nearly cried at the idea of contributing a portion of his phone bill because then he’d “have less money.” He thinks nothing of pumping twenty dollars into a video game at the arcade. His iTunes purchases to date total more than I’ve spent on music in my lifetime. So, yeah, sometimes I question the wisdom of not adopting a more structured approach early on. Because this whole money issue seems to be ramping up with the arrival of the teenage years.

I sometimes wish I’d set up some rational system whereby my children would learn to save a little, spend and little, and give a little to someone who only has a little. I admire those parents who choose a method and stick with it, but I am not one of them. I am lazy. Also, keeping up with the IRS is about as much bookkeeping as I want to do. The terms of “allowance” or “slave wages”–depending on who you ask–changes frequently at our house. As does what the kids are required to pay for out of their own income, versus what we cover. It doesn’t help that while I’m trying to keep everything fair between siblings, my husband comes along with his slip-the-kids-a-little-cash tactic. Always the good cop.

Just when I start to doubt myself, my daughter waves her latest bank statement at me, bragging about the spread between her and her brother’s account balances. She tells me regularly that she is saving for her phone, her prom, her car, and her house. If I forget to dole out the allowance/slave wages, she tries to charge interest. She asks the cost of everything, and doesn’t assume I’ll pay for everything. She thanks me when I do.

I must be doing something right. Right?

Or is money management genetic? Would my children have the same fiscal skills no matter what values I attempted to impose? From a scientific perspective I should probably just leave well enough alone. I should sit back and watch their natural development unfold. If I tried to implement something new at this point it would taint the results. Ten points for science (And laziness.)

I take comfort that The Girl will always be okay. As for The Boy, maybe he’ll be a politician.

Image: Kenteegardin, Flickr

I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. To learn more about BMO Harris Bank, visit their websitehttp://bmoharris.com/parents.

The official day this year is Friday, November 25th. That is the day my family is allowed to start singing Christmas songs. I have nothing against Christmas music. I rather enjoy it. But only during the season. There is nothing worse than a cheerful child’s voices singing about dashing through the snow when it’s 85 degrees outside. It’s crap like that can ruin a holiday. If you ask me. And you didn’t, nor did my family. The difference between you and them is that they must abide by my rules. Or find loopholes. Hence:

We wish you a happy Halloween,

we wish you a happy Halloween,

we wish you a happy Halloween

and get lots of candy!

Good candy to you, to you and your kids

We wish you a happy Halloween and get lots of candy!

“What? That is NOT a Christmas song.”

Little shits.

Image: D’Arcy Norman, Flickr

I picked up my son and his friend from the bus stop. It was only my second time in the carpool rotation and I was still feeling my way around the social life of teenage boys. I suspected their lack of interaction might indicate a rift, but I knew enough to keep quiet until I dropped Mark at his door.

“Did something happen between you two?” I asked, once it was just my son and I in the car.

He took a deep breath. “Well… Mark hates gays.”

Read the rest of this post on Modern Mom.

It was a banner morning for permission slips. My daughter was on top of things, as usual. One after another she handed me papers, indicating the line or square that required my authorization.

“What’s this?” I asked about the third one.

“Field trip. Band class.”

I signed it, and entered my phone number on the appropriate blank.

“Don’t you need to put the four-seven-nine?”

“Your music teacher knows our area code.”

My daughter sighed and shook her head. “Mom, she’s a hippie.”

Then she filled in the 479.

Image: Etenil, Flickr

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!

Signed,

Dubious Room Mom

Read my answer on The Mouthy Housewives

Try These, Too. Pretty Please:

• Confessions of a Dirty Housewife
• 7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA
• Applying MBA Savvy to My Life

Image: spaceoddisey, Flickr

School officials in California and Florida are requiring cheerleaders to cover their skimpy skirts during school hours. The schools in question don’t seem to be troubled with the girls wearing the minimal clothing at actual games, but the girls must wear sweats over (or biker pants under) their revealing uniforms while at school. Cheerleaders say the new restrictions are “dorky,” and “unfair.”

An image provided by a member of the San Jose, Calif. cheer squad shows that cheerleaders’ uniforms haven’t changed much in the last twenty-five years. So why the debate?

Read the rest of this post on the Today Show Moms blog.

Related, Maybe:

• Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)
• Not the Only Bad Mother
• Can We Listen to Hot Mix Now?

Image: a4gpa, Flickr

When my son set up his Facebook profile I provided him a list of non-negotiable rules to follow. At the end of my proclamation I asked if he had any rules for me. “Just don’t embarrass me,” he said.

Fat chance.

I’m his mother. Nearly everything I do embarrasses him. But I try. No holding hands in public, no referring to him as my baby in the written word, and no attempts at the teenage vernacular. Until recently, the lines of his social life and mine have been clearly defined, but Facebook has changed all that. If we’re not careful, our social circles could become unnaturally intertwined, and as the grown-up I feel responsible to maintain the borders of this strange new land.

Read the rest of this post on the TODAY Show Moms blog.

You Might Also Like:

• Got Condoms? Your 6th Grader Might
• Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)
• Who Is Watching These Kids?

Image: austinanomic, Flickr

New York legislators have renewed a national debate about sex education by passing a law that requires—for the first time in twenty years—detailed sexual health instruction for middle school and high school students. While many New York schools have been distributing condoms for decades, the new curriculum actually teaches children as young as eleven how to use them.

Abstinence vs. public health vs. Teen Mom I’m torn. While I like comprehensive sex education in the abstract, I’m not sure I want my eleven-year-old daughter practicing with latex and bananas. No worries here in Arkansas. So far, she has only seen The Video (probably the same one I saw at her age). Next year she will participate in a week long abstinence-only sex-ed class that relies on STD scare tactics and a not-so-subtle implication that premarital sex is a VIP pass to Hell.

Read the rest of this post on TODAY Show Moms.

More nonsense you might like:

• Promises To My Teenagers
• Who Is Watching These Kids?
• Show Me the Real Texts

Image: Tomizak, Flickr

Dear PTA,

I’m trying to change my ways. (No, I’m not.) Or at least my attitude. (Yeah, right.) Okay, you’re right. Against my better judgment, I’ll just tell you the truth. There are a few things you should know.

You should know that…

As is my policy with all charitable causes, I will TOTALLY get behind your projects that I think are worthy, and the stupid ones that give me an opportunity to drink too much and get my picture taken with wicked black eyeliner in a nice dress. I will also fight like a Mother against anything I feel is immoral or unethical that is being conducted in mine or my child’s name. For stuff I deem just plain lame, I will, for the most part, leave you alone.

You should know that…

Because I spend enough time devoted to my children already I’m a reluctant participant in any of your clipboard-worthy activities. However, I will be a dutiful worker bee. That’s right, after you ask me two or three times I will be happy to work a shift or bake a cake or whatever else it is that chips away at the greater good. I will show up with a smile and I won’t even spend the entire time talking smack about the other PTA parents. Not the whole time, anyway.

You should know that…

I wrote a book called, Blacklisted from the PTA. There are two little pages out of more than 240 in which I encourage other moms to become pariahs among their various PTA communities. It was just a joke. A true joke. A manifesto of sorts. But I pinky promise not to undermine any of your [worthy] efforts. (See above.) I will even donate copies of my book to help raise money for your very most worthiest causes. See? I’m nice!

You should know that…

I can’t volunteer for anything with the words “field” or “monitor” in the job description. Because these invariably involve other people’s children and the thing is, I don’t like them. It’s just the two kids I’m fond of–the ones I so generously birthed–and a handful of their friends. And I have small hands. Believe me, I’m doing us all a favor by declining any student-related duties up front. Kids never believe my “I’ll smack you in the head” threats until it’s too late. Who needs a lawsuit, right?

And finally, you should know…

I don’t do yogurt lids, aluminum can tabs, or box tops. This is non-negotiable.

Honestly, PTA, it’s nothing personal. Some of my best friends are PTA Queens. So keep those guilt-inducing emails coming. I’ll respond, I’ll sign your clipboard, I’ll do my part.

Eventually.

Sincerely,

Worker Bee Me

If This Made You Grin, Try These:

• Blacklisted From the PTA, the Google Search
• Drive a Mile in My Minivan
• 7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA

This post was written as part of the I Support My School, MY Way campaign, sponsored by VolunteerSpot.com, a free online sign-up sheet tool for busy parents–who are into that sort of thing. No compensation was provided, so feel free to buy my book. Come on, it’s not like I’m asking you to pull a shift at Field Day. And enter to win big in the Volunteer Spot Facebook Sweepstakes!

Image: mscaprikell, Flickr