This One Time? At Band Camp?
by Lela Davidson on January 24, 2012
in Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
“This one time? At band camp?”
I can’t help myself. It’s one of those stupid things that come out my mouth before I can help myself. I ONLY say it when they wear these t-shirts, which my daughter–the budding xylophonist–came downstairs wearing this morning. The older they get the more it irritates them.
“Mom, it’s not funny because we don’t know what it’s from.”
[snicker snicker]
“Either tell us or stop saying it.”
“No.”
In the carpool to school I might have said it again. The neighbor boy commiserated. “My parents say that, too.”
“It’s probably from Bridesmaids.”
“No way. It’s way older. My parents have been saying that since I was like four.”
“I’m going to google it,” said another neighbor. “There’s probably a YouTube video or something.”
God bless the internet.
This Little Piggy Went to the Bank
by Lela Davidson on November 9, 2011
in Reviews, Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
Where I wonder if I’ve done my children a huge fiscal disservice and ultimately decide to leave their financial futures up to genetics. I’m all into science like that. How do you teach your kids about money? Because I fear mine are on their own. The little one with the good genes will be fine. I worry about her brother.
Christmas in October
by Lela Davidson on October 28, 2011
in motherhood, Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
The official day this year is Friday, November 25th. That is the day my family is allowed to start singing Christmas songs. I have nothing against Christmas music. I rather enjoy it. But only during the season. There is nothing worse than a cheerful child’s voices singing about dashing through the snow when it’s 85 degrees outside. It’s crap like that can ruin a holiday. If you ask me. And you didn’t, nor did my family. The difference between you and them is that they must abide by my rules. Or find loopholes. Hence:
We wish you a happy Halloween,
we wish you a happy Halloween,
we wish you a happy Halloween
and get lots of candy!
Good candy to you, to you and your kids
We wish you a happy Halloween and get lots of candy!
“What? That is NOT a Christmas song.”
Little shits.
Mark Hates Gays: Notes from the Bible Belt
by Lela Davidson on October 26, 2011
in Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring, Suburban Bliss
I picked up my son and his friend from the bus stop. It was only my second time in the carpool rotation and I was still feeling my way around the social life of teenage boys. I suspected their lack of interaction might indicate a rift, but I knew enough to keep quiet until I dropped Mark at his door.
“Did something happen between you two?” I asked, once it was just my son and I in the car.
He took a deep breath. “Well… Mark hates gays.”
Read the rest of this post on Modern Mom.
Things You Learn Signing Permission Slips
by Lela Davidson on October 18, 2011
in Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
It was a banner morning for permission slips. My daughter was on top of things, as usual. One after another she handed me papers, indicating the line or square that required my authorization.
“What’s this?” I asked about the third one.
“Field trip. Band class.”
I signed it, and entered my phone number on the appropriate blank.
“Don’t you need to put the four-seven-nine?”
“Your music teacher knows our area code.”
My daughter sighed and shook her head. “Mom, she’s a hippie.”
Then she filled in the 479.
From One Mouthy Housewife to Another
by Lela Davidson on October 6, 2011
in motherhood, Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring, Suburban Bliss
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I just became Room Mom of my daughter’s Pre-K class. I didn’t really want to do it, but nobody else volunteered. The first event I did—a Welcome Breakfast–was a simple affair because the kids are still young and I didn’t have a lot of time to organize. I thought it was fine, but now I hear that a lot of the moms were making fun of the event and calling it a “Cheap Breakfast.” Should I say something to them? Make sure the next thing I do is nicer? Hit them with my car? This is all new to me and I’m panicking!
Signed,
Dubious Room Mom
Read my answer on The Mouthy Housewives
Try These, Too. Pretty Please:
Don’t Blame the Skirt
by Lela Davidson on September 27, 2011
in Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
School officials in California and Florida are requiring cheerleaders to cover their skimpy skirts during school hours. The schools in question don’t seem to be troubled with the girls wearing the minimal clothing at actual games, but the girls must wear sweats over (or biker pants under) their revealing uniforms while at school. Cheerleaders say the new restrictions are “dorky,” and “unfair.”
An image provided by a member of the San Jose, Calif. cheer squad shows that cheerleaders’ uniforms haven’t changed much in the last twenty-five years. So why the debate?
Read the rest of this post on the Today Show Moms blog.
Related, Maybe:
Please, Mom, Don’t Embarrass Me on Facebook
by Lela Davidson on September 22, 2011
in Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
When my son set up his Facebook profile I provided him a list of non-negotiable rules to follow. At the end of my proclamation I asked if he had any rules for me. “Just don’t embarrass me,” he said.
Fat chance.
I’m his mother. Nearly everything I do embarrasses him. But I try. No holding hands in public, no referring to him as my baby in the written word, and no attempts at the teenage vernacular. Until recently, the lines of his social life and mine have been clearly defined, but Facebook has changed all that. If we’re not careful, our social circles could become unnaturally intertwined, and as the grown-up I feel responsible to maintain the borders of this strange new land.
Read the rest of this post on the TODAY Show Moms blog.
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Got Condoms? Your 6th Grader Might
by Lela Davidson on September 1, 2011
in Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
New York legislators have renewed a national debate about sex education by passing a law that requires—for the first time in twenty years—detailed sexual health instruction for middle school and high school students. While many New York schools have been distributing condoms for decades, the new curriculum actually teaches children as young as eleven how to use them.
Abstinence vs. public health vs. Teen Mom I’m torn. While I like comprehensive sex education in the abstract, I’m not sure I want my eleven-year-old daughter practicing with latex and bananas. No worries here in Arkansas. So far, she has only seen The Video (probably the same one I saw at her age). Next year she will participate in a week long abstinence-only sex-ed class that relies on STD scare tactics and a not-so-subtle implication that premarital sex is a VIP pass to Hell.
Read the rest of this post on TODAY Show Moms.
More nonsense you might like:
Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)
by Lela Davidson on August 30, 2011
in Blacklisted from the PTA, Rugrats, Tweens, & Other Offspring
Dear PTA,
I’m trying to change my ways. (No, I’m not.) Or at least my attitude. (Yeah, right.) Okay, you’re right. Against my better judgment, I’ll just tell you the truth. There are a few things you should know.
You should know that…
As is my policy with all charitable causes, I will TOTALLY get behind your projects that I think are worthy, and the stupid ones that give me an opportunity to drink too much and get my picture taken with wicked black eyeliner in a nice dress. I will also fight like a Mother against anything I feel is immoral or unethical that is being conducted in mine or my child’s name. For stuff I deem just plain lame, I will, for the most part, leave you alone.
You should know that…
Because I spend enough time devoted to my children already I’m a reluctant participant in any of your clipboard-worthy activities. However, I will be a dutiful worker bee. That’s right, after you ask me two or three times I will be happy to work a shift or bake a cake or whatever else it is that chips away at the greater good. I will show up with a smile and I won’t even spend the entire time talking smack about the other PTA parents. Not the whole time, anyway.
You should know that…
I wrote a book called, Blacklisted from the PTA. There are two little pages out of more than 240 in which I encourage other moms to become pariahs among their various PTA communities. It was just a joke. A true joke. A manifesto of sorts. But I pinky promise not to undermine any of your [worthy] efforts. (See above.) I will even donate copies of my book to help raise money for your very most worthiest causes. See? I’m nice!
You should know that…
I can’t volunteer for anything with the words “field” or “monitor” in the job description. Because these invariably involve other people’s children and the thing is, I don’t like them. It’s just the two kids I’m fond of–the ones I so generously birthed–and a handful of their friends. And I have small hands. Believe me, I’m doing us all a favor by declining any student-related duties up front. Kids never believe my “I’ll smack you in the head” threats until it’s too late. Who needs a lawsuit, right?
And finally, you should know…
I don’t do yogurt lids, aluminum can tabs, or box tops. This is non-negotiable.
Honestly, PTA, it’s nothing personal. Some of my best friends are PTA Queens. So keep those guilt-inducing emails coming. I’ll respond, I’ll sign your clipboard, I’ll do my part.
Eventually.
Sincerely,
Worker Bee Me
If This Made You Grin, Try These:
This post was written as part of the I Support My School, MY Way campaign, sponsored by VolunteerSpot.com, a free online sign-up sheet tool for busy parents–who are into that sort of thing. No compensation was provided, so feel free to buy my book. Come on, it’s not like I’m asking you to pull a shift at Field Day. And enter to win big in the Volunteer Spot Facebook Sweepstakes!
