Does Sam’s Club Count as Date Night?

With Valentine’s Day looming its terrifying head, I thought I’d encourage you all to go on a date night. And yes, I’m going to say Sam’s Club counts. Well, actually, not my Sam’s Club because they don’t sell liquor and I like a little hooch with my romance.

Date Night at Sam’s Club

While Sam’s Club might make a decent date night on any other night of the year, I wouldn’t try to get away with it on February 14th. You could go for the usual gifts, but why not make her laugh instead? Order Blacklisted from the PTA in paperback or Kindle now.

Like This? Try These:

• How My Husband Got Kicked Off My Sales Force
• Match.com’s Got Nothing on This
• Holiday Baking Disaster

Audio: Lela Davidson

Image: Steve Faeembra, Flickr

Come Watch Funny Book Trailers With Me

Ever since I created my own book trailer for Blacklisted from the PTA, I’ve been collecting other funny book trailers. Frankly, we need more, because there are a lot of funny books out there, as well as a lot of really boring books that people could be tricked into buying if only they had a humorous–though deceitful–promotional strategy. So far I’ve found six, from Linda Yellin, Jenna McCarthy, Alan Arkin, Sarah Maizes, Maya Banks, and of course yours truly. We need more. Truly.

So, get a snack, check out my collection of funny book trailers page, and let me know when you come across worthy additions. (While you’re at it, bring me something, would you? I’m thinking something in a salty/sweet with magical ass fat burning properties.)

Check Out These Posts, Too, If You Want:

• 5 Books I’ve Resolved to Read in 2012
• Live From My Kitchen: Blacklisted Book Trailer
• How My Husband Got Kicked Off My Sales Force

 

Image: skypax pictures, Flickr

Podcast: Holiday Baking Disaster

I tend to think I can do anything. Most days this type of unreasonable confidence serves me well. And then I try to bake. I recorded this essay, which is included in Blacklisted from the PTA, to remind myself of my personal limitations. Thy name is KitchenAid.

 

(I don’t know if this officially counts as a podcast, but that sounds good so we’ll go with it.)

Things That Could Go Wrong While Baking

Looking for a few laughs for mom this holiday season? Order Blacklisted From The PTA in paperback or Kindle now.

Like This? Try These:

• Video Book Trailer for Blacklisted from the PTA
• My super fantastic recipe for Cheddar Dates
• Drive a Mile in My Minivan

Audio: Lela Davidson

Image: asha susan, Flickr

My Wendy Williams Experience

A couple of months ago I was invited to interview Wendy Williams for a web feature she tapes daily called “After the Show.” Sounded cool, but the odds of me going to New York City on my dime for the opportunity were not good. And then a friend decided on New York for her pre-wedding girls trip. If I could multi-task, this just might work. Calls were made, emails flew, and soon I held two VIP passes and an appointment with the Queen of “how you doing?” herself.

In true Lela fashion, I did not get a proper photo with Ms. Williams. Lots of room for improvement in my personal celebrity photo opp department. But that’s okay, because I got fifteen minutes to chat with THE Wendy Williams about work, life, and balance. Here’s the video to prove it. (I start at the 5-minute mark.)

Before the interview, my friend and I watched the taping of the show. We took in the spectacle, the production, the complex process that led to the taping of a one-hour talk show in 30-second to 3-minute segments. There was a sexy dancing crowd warmer-upper, a sound mixer, DJ, a couple dozen producers, assistants, and producers, scores of instructions, and once the cameras started rolling… soap snow.

No joke. It snowed on us. Production VALUE!

If you’re thinking of attending a shoot like this, I suggest a pre-function cocktail. Or three.

My friend and I were fairly excited to find out that Real Housewife of New York / Skinny Girl / Bethenny Ever After Bethenny Frankel was the scheduled celebrity guest. It was fun to check her out at close range. She seemed cool enough in her segment on the couch. But even better…

I bumped Bethenny Frankel!

Okay, maybe not exactly, but I like the sound of it. You see, when the lovely PR contact showed us to the green room to wait for the interview. An attractive young man from Bethenny’s entourage wanted to talk to my PR contact, in private. We were shown into the room and the door was closed. I was sure this spelled the end of my interview, before it began. But those walls in the sound stage building, they don’t go all the way to the ceiling. After some low talking we heard Bethenny.

Apparently Ms. Frankel had been waiting around (at least 45 minutes), hoping to see Wendy Williams again. Our contact patiently — and repeatedly — explained that Ms. Williams didn’t always meet with guests after the show and had something previously scheduled. (That was me!) Eventually we were shown into Wendy Williams hyper-pink office. She was lovely and warm and absolutely professional. It looks glamorous from our side of the screen, and I’m sure it has it’s moments, but hosting a television talk show is a huge amount of work. Huge.

But, anyway… back to me. I gave Wendy a copy of Blacklisted from the PTA and she totally teased me with a money shot–holding the book up for the camera while she talked about how much she liked what the cover image represented.

And then they cut that part. Of course.

Oh, well. I bumped Bethenny. That’s something.

Sexy or Sexist: My MissRepresentation

I watched the award-winning independent film MissRepresentation last month. The producers are building a movement of awareness around the themes of the film and unlike those occupying streets and parks across the country, this cause asks proponents to take real actions toward advancing their goals.

Among all the unsettling information presented in the movie, there was one statistic that really made me want to get involved.

Read the rest of this post on ModernMom.

Blacklisted Holiday Events in Northwest Arkansas

The holidays are racing by faster than we can keep up, but luckily — just for you — I created the perfect gift for hostesses, mothers, sisters, BFFs, and anyone else whose stocking could use some cheer. Blacklisted from the PTA is the ideal (and inexpensive!) holiday gift for anyone on your list. It ships easy and plays well with others.

If you’re in Northwest Arkansas, I hope you’ll come see me at one (or both!) of two very special events in the next few weeks.

NWA Boutique Show

VIP Shopping, Friday, November 18th, noon-2pm

Friday, November 18th, 2pm-8pm and Saturday, November 19th 9am-6pm

Northwest Arkansas Convention Center in Springdale

This juried show is a shopping event like no other in NWA, featuring more than 150 boutique booths with one-of-a-kind and custom creations from local and regional designers. Clothing, jewelry, art, stationery, gifts, personalized items, home décor, furniture, baby essentials and… my book.

Imagine Boutique will be the exclusive distributor of Blacklisted from the PTA at the NWA Boutique Show this fall. Also, the show will have five copies of the book to give away to lucky shoppers. As if all that weren’t enough, I’ll be in and out of the Imagine booth personalizing books. If you want to be sure to catch me, come to the VIP Event on Friday from noon-2pm. I hope you’ll stop by and see us!

I went to the show last year and it really is a lot of fun, and the perfect place to find some special gifts.

Blacklisted for the Holidays with Lela Davidson and Ruth’s Chris

Sunday, December 4th, 3pm-5pm

Prime, at Ruth’s Chris Steak House 

I’m so excited for this event! Please join us at Prime, the fabulous Ruth’s Chris lounge for a reading, book signing, and surprises! Just in time for the holidays, select copies of Blacklisted from the PTA will be pre-signed and wrapped for easy gift giving. Other copies will be available for purchase as well.

Ruth Chris is opening two hours early to host this special event. Starting at 3:00 p.m. I will read fan-selected short stories from Blacklisted from the PTA, followed by time for book singing and meet and greet.

Please let us know you’ll be there by RSVPing to the Facebook Event.

Live From My Kitchen: Blacklisted Book Trailer

When I launched Blacklisted from the PTA I wanted a killer book trailer, but I figured those were for other people–people with marketing budgets. Then I went to BlogHer where I met Sarah Maizes, who stars in her own fabulous trailer for the long-titled Got Milf?: The Modern Mom’s Guide to Feeling Fabulous, Looking Great, and Rocking a Minivan.

Sarah said, ”You don’t have a book trailer? You HAVE to have a book trailer. Book trailers are so AWESOME! How can you not have a book trailer?” Or something like that. I’m paraphrasing. She also told me to check out Jenna McCarthy. No, not Jenny, Jenna. It’s okay, she’s used to that. Jenna wrote a book with another painfully long title, If It Was Easy They’d Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. (Seriously, ladies, save some words for inside the book.) Jenna’s trailer is adorable, especially the outtakes. So it should be. She has a sponsor, a SEX-product sponsor! I can only wish for such luck.

Hello, Duracell?

My little dream of a book trailer had all but faded when I found out Jessica Bern offered video blog coaching. I had met Jessica in real life at BlogHer too, though we’d known each other for years online. (Go, Facebook!) Anyway, I knew if anyone could help, it was Jessica. So with much Skyping, whining, pain, re-shoots, whining, rewrites, edits, whining, and searching for the perfect cul-de-sac rap, I managed to create this trailer for Blacklisted from the PTA. If you haven’t watched it yet, and shared it with some friends, you should, because it’s kickass.

I could not, would not have done a bit of it without Jessica’s help, patience, and relentless nagging to man up and finish the damn thing already.

So thank you, Jessica. Thank you, Sarah and Jenna (I swear I’m not a full-time stalker.) And thank you, all of you who have already pimped this out on your various networks, pages, posts, tweets, and status updates.

If you would like to create your own slice of awesome embededness, contact Jessica Bern, who will guide you every step of the way. Or, if you’re feeling flush, you can hire her to do it for you.

Dear PTA: I Got a New Attitude (Not Really)

Dear PTA,

I’m trying to change my ways. (No, I’m not.) Or at least my attitude. (Yeah, right.) Okay, you’re right. Against my better judgment, I’ll just tell you the truth. There are a few things you should know.

You should know that…

As is my policy with all charitable causes, I will TOTALLY get behind your projects that I think are worthy, and the stupid ones that give me an opportunity to drink too much and get my picture taken with wicked black eyeliner in a nice dress. I will also fight like a Mother against anything I feel is immoral or unethical that is being conducted in mine or my child’s name. For stuff I deem just plain lame, I will, for the most part, leave you alone.

You should know that…

Because I spend enough time devoted to my children already I’m a reluctant participant in any of your clipboard-worthy activities. However, I will be a dutiful worker bee. That’s right, after you ask me two or three times I will be happy to work a shift or bake a cake or whatever else it is that chips away at the greater good. I will show up with a smile and I won’t even spend the entire time talking smack about the other PTA parents. Not the whole time, anyway.

You should know that…

I wrote a book called, Blacklisted from the PTA. There are two little pages out of more than 240 in which I encourage other moms to become pariahs among their various PTA communities. It was just a joke. A true joke. A manifesto of sorts. But I pinky promise not to undermine any of your [worthy] efforts. (See above.) I will even donate copies of my book to help raise money for your very most worthiest causes. See? I’m nice!

You should know that…

I can’t volunteer for anything with the words “field” or “monitor” in the job description. Because these invariably involve other people’s children and the thing is, I don’t like them. It’s just the two kids I’m fond of–the ones I so generously birthed–and a handful of their friends. And I have small hands. Believe me, I’m doing us all a favor by declining any student-related duties up front. Kids never believe my “I’ll smack you in the head” threats until it’s too late. Who needs a lawsuit, right?

And finally, you should know…

I don’t do yogurt lids, aluminum can tabs, or box tops. This is non-negotiable.

Honestly, PTA, it’s nothing personal. Some of my best friends are PTA Queens. So keep those guilt-inducing emails coming. I’ll respond, I’ll sign your clipboard, I’ll do my part.

Eventually.

Sincerely,

Worker Bee Me

If This Made You Grin, Try These:

• Blacklisted From the PTA, the Google Search
• Drive a Mile in My Minivan
• 7 Surefire Ways to Get Blacklisted from the PTA

This post was written as part of the I Support My School, MY Way campaign, sponsored by VolunteerSpot.com, a free online sign-up sheet tool for busy parents–who are into that sort of thing. No compensation was provided, so feel free to buy my book. Come on, it’s not like I’m asking you to pull a shift at Field Day. And enter to win big in the Volunteer Spot Facebook Sweepstakes!

Image: mscaprikell, Flickr

From Pillow to Pedometer in 6 Easy Steps

I texted her last night. Run – 6:30? The response came back… something about getting home late from a “business dinner” and having a “presentation” due “early” in the morning and although she “wanted” to run, she wasn’t going to.

Fine. No worries. I’m a big girl. It’s not like I NEED the knowledge that she’s waiting at her doorstep in the pre-dawn light to pry me out of bed. I can do it all by myself. Besides, my husband is leaving town and this will give me a chance to have coffee with him and say a proper goodbye instead of dashing off while he’s still in the shower. You know what this is? It’s a BLESSING IN DISGUISE! (I have to shout that last part in my mind to drown out the voices telling me that I know damn well that it will be too hot to run by the time I finish “drinking coffee.” (I know, the quotes, I’ll stop.)

At least I didn’t change the alarm setting. I still got up at 6:00. After I hit the snooze a few times, it went down like this:

1. “Hey, Babe, let’s have coffee.” And I’m talking actual coffee here. Who can run after drinking coffee? Not me, that’s who! I’m not willing to pee myself in the name of fitness. For funny anecdotes, sure, but not merely for shapelier thighs.
2. Ooh, look! Laundry! I should totally fold that load before I leave. (Also, it’s important to have certain domestic duties witnessed, to back up the occasional tirade. “I slave away ALL day for you people and where is the GRATITUDE???” <– You’re with me now, aren’t you?)
3. I’m not yet in my running clothes when I kiss my husband goodbye, shut the door, and notice a neat stack of bills on the desk. That looks fun! No–I’m strong–I WILL run… just as soon as I dust the bookshelves.
4. There is a dilemma in the closet over whether or not the black of my tank matches the black of  my running skirt. And I should really get some new socks. By the way, hello sock drawer! Do you need organizing, Little Buddy?
5. When I stop to pee (***coffee***) I notice the ring around the toilet bowl. It’s not the first time I’ve seen it. Since vacation, with catching up on work and unpacking and stocking the pantry and all that LAUNDRY, I haven’t gotten to the bathrooms. Suddenly I crave the scent of Comet cleanser. I need a HIT of Comet in my lungs, Baby! My husband is gone, so it’s not like I’m in it for the Holly Homemaker points. I actually want to clean the toilet more than I want to run. I may need help.
6. Dragging myself away from the scrubbing bubbles, I emerge, victorious, on my front steps. (I’m not going to burden you with the bandaid-on-my-heel detour.)

Today… I run! Those are, after all, “my” legs on the cover of Blacklisted from the PTA.

If you only knew what’s pumping through my earbuds…

Image: Robert S. Donovan, Flickr

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How My Husband Got Kicked Off My Sales Force

You may have heard I have a book launching next month. July 12th to be precise. Blacklisted from the PTA is available in paperback and Kindle. In case you hadn’t heard. I’m also having this big party to launch the book out into the world in style, and *god willing* sell a bunch of books — like enough to cover the cost of the Asian nut mix and the DJs at this party. I have a team of Uber Salespeople. All my best girlfriends really know how to move product! They set me straight several weeks ago about my meager sales goals.

“That’s your goal for 2011?” one of them said, face all scrinchy like I’d tried to serve her a virgin margarita. “No, no, no. That’s NOT your goal for 2011. It’s the goal for your launch.”

How could I say no to that kind of optimism? So off I went making posters and plans.

Cut to last night. I told my husband I needed to find someone to work checkout, run the credit card swiper. ”I can do it,” offered my sweet, well-meaning better half.

“Oh, no,” I said. “I need you to help with sales. Work your charm on all the ladies.”

“Okay, gotcha,” he said, puffing up. I had already mentally settled on a suitable checker when he added, ”What if somebody wants a refund?”

Seriously? A refund? Is this the first question my top salesman — my only salesMAN — should be asking? I’m not selling ill-fitting tops or outdated meat. It’s a book, MY book. Most of the people coming to the party are personal friends and acquaintances, or at least those who’d like to sell me life insurance.

THERE WILL BE NO REFUNDS. Got it?

That wasn’t the worst. I explained the discounts — you know, the cash incentives that compel people to purchase multiple copies of the most amazing collection of stories ever compiled behind a gratuitous image of legs and stilettos? He looked at me with the scrinchy face.

And said…

“Why would anyone buy more than one copy?”

My turn for the scrinchy face.

“Are you kidding me?” I said, “Friends, sisters, moms, birthdays, stocking stuffers, hostess gifts book clubs—”

Followed by his stop-acting-like-a-crazy-bitch calming gestures.

“Okay, okay. I didn’t know your marketing plan.”

My marketing plan, to be clear, is this: sell a lot of books.

So if you’re coming to the party, my husband will be easy to spot. He’ll be the one running the credit cards.

Image Credit: meghannash, Flickr

More About the Joys of Marriage:

• Showered in Miscommunication
• Match.com’s Got Nothing on This
• I Frighten My Husband, Daily