Got Flow?

One of the greatest gifts my mother ever gave me was a good attitude about my period. It was never a curse or even a nuisance in my house. It just was. In fact, getting it the first time was cause for celebration. Not cake and ice cream celebration–but definitely a rite of passage. On the day of my first period, I called my mother at work to tell her the news. Thrilled, she ran out and bought an entire grocery bag full of options. (Picture a big brown kraft paper block, not one of the flimsy plastic bags we use today.) Pads, liners, wings. It was all in there. Even— EVEN tampons. But, oh, no, I wasn’t going to use those. No way.

Until… I got invited to a swimming party. What are the odds on there will be a swimming party on the second day of your very first period? This is the kind of charmed life I lead.

Mom didn’t blink. Without embarrassment or delay, she showed me how to use a tampon. Oh, the good fortune. I’ve been bowling, mountain climbing, and horseback riding on the beach ever since.

And now, as my daughter approaches the age of menarche, I’m excited about the book Flow: The Cultural Story of Menstruation. If it had been around in 1982, I’m sure my mother would have picked up a copy. Catch authors Elissa Stein and Susan Kim on The View tomorrow.

I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other The View branded items to facilitate my review.

Dialoguing in the Cube

I was fortunate a few weeks ago to land a great technical writing job working with some very smart people. It was fun to work with the best and brightest, and to be reminded of the corporate/consulting lingo I once spoke fluently. I barely hesitated when, on my first day, the partner who had hired me asked if I had been “onboarded.”

Absolutely. I’m on board. Now, where is Isaac with my daiquiri?

Valerie Bertinelli on The View, and in Cleveland

I hate to admit I was planning to tune in to The View tomorrow just to see if Valerie Bertinelli had started to gain all that Jenny Craig weight back. I’m petty like that. But when I started picking around the internet, I found another reason to watch. VB’s got a new sitcom scheduled to air this summer called Hot in Cleveland. She will star with Wendi Malick (Just Shoot Me) and Jane Leeves (Frazier) in the show about three best friends from L.A. stranded in Cleveland.

Why am I excited about this? It has recently been suggested that agents and editors are only interested in women’s fiction set in New York or L.A. Maybe this TV show will lend some cred to the un-sexy, the non-coastal–therefore legitimizing Bentonville, Arkansas as a respectable setting for my novel.

Stop laughing.

Besides, she was married to a rockstar and worked with a woman who engaged in consensual incest. Val’s got stories.

Shopping With My 75-Year-Old Mother-in-Law

My mother-in-law and I do not agree on fashion. Chicos is chic, she counsels, modern. She once told my children I needed to stop dressing like a teenager. An old friend, when I told her this, said, “Clearly she didn’t know you when you were a teenager.” Clearly.

On a recent visit, she conned me into taking her to Dillard’s on the pretense of buying herself a shirt outside of my father-in-law’s frugal watch. After twenty minutes at the Ralph Lauren racks, pointing out which zebra print and nautical sweaters would look lovely with my coloring, she gave up.

“This is my daughter,” she told the sales clerk. “I try to buy her things, but you can’t buy her anything. Because she’s petite, but she’s not petite.”

The woman smiled and nodded toward the petite section. “But there’s nothing young over there. She needs to shop on that side of the store.” She pointed to the department where no one had a walker, or an oxygen mask.

My mother-in-law dismissed her with a look. ”But I like Ralph Lauren.”

Vintage View: Rosie, Elizabeth, and The Donald

After more than twelve years, The View may seem like a daytime institution, but when the show began it was groundbreaking. Smart, opinionated women not only talking about their lives and the day’s events, but arguing about them. Add some celebrities and fashion advice and they had a hit. I liked it then and I like it now. The gossip isn’t as good as on my driveway, but the fights are sometimes smarter.

And speaking of fights, my favorite co-host was Rosie.

Pick your side, but this clip is exactly what Barbara Walters set out to create with this show.

And who can forget Rosie’s rant against Donald Trump. (I like him, but her criticism was spot on.)

I’m not fat or gay. I’m not quite as obnoxious as Rosie. Not quite. But I like to challenge people. I’m the Rosie of my circles. Of course that’s why I love her. Or maybe it was the hair. If Trump had her stylist, everything could have been different.

I am a participant in a Mom Central campaign for ABC Daytime and will receive a tote bag or other The View branded items to facilitate my review.

I Subscribe to GQ For the Articles

When I was in 8th grade I had ads from GQ Magazine taped all over my walls. Who was with me? We didn’t know all those beautiful men were gay!

<— This guy is not. At least, not when I think of him.

Johnny, I know I’ve been aloof lately. What can I say? Life gets busy. Just a heads up, though – if Sarah Palin gets the GOP nomination, I’m taking you up on that come-to-my-villa-in-France offer. But only if you stop waxing. Okay, no, that’s a lie. I’ll be there regardless.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a magazine to read.

40th Birthday Party Themes

I had a big party for my 40th birthday, and it was fun – capital F kind of fun. As some of my girlfriends are getting close to their big days, we’re coming up with themes for their parties. We talked about luaus, casino nights, Oscar themes. One friend is planning to have hers at the roller rink. The guys are not as interested. Forty is not their big year anyway. Looking toward 50 they only came up with one party idea: strip club theme.

Just think of the party favors: little purple pills.

Parenting and Hunting – What Message Am I Sending?

Part of the reason I’m able to write for a living is that I make money from advertising and commission on sales from links to Amazon and Ebay from HubPages, where I write primarily on parenting topics. My sales report from Amazon typically includes titles like What to Expect When You’re Expecting and lots of Dr. Sears. The occasional body pillow. Maybe a board game. These all make sense.

What is a mystery was my highest profit item last month: a hardwood hunting bow. I’m not complaining mind you; the commission was over $10.

I write occasionally on discipline, and it could be argued that I’m rather strict. But I’m going on record here to let you know that I never, under ANY circumstances, endorse bow hunting of children. Beating with a stick, sure, but leave the heavy equipment out of it.

Whose Fault Is That?

I don’t bake. Scratch that. I don’t bake often. However, when I’m snowed in or hormonal or really jonesin’ for some homemade sweetness, I’ll bust out the Kitchen Aid stand mixer and mess up my kitchen. This is almost always a bad idea.

If you had been married to me for fifteen years you would know this. And if you had been sitting at the kitchen table working when the timer went off for the cookies and I didn’t come to take the cookies out of the oven and you just kept right on working until smoke started curling out of oven and then nobody got to eat cookies–whose fault is that?

Learning to Hike

A friend of mine, an avid hiker, recently took me out for a half day trip. Now, I walk in the woods all the time but I wouldn’t consider myself a *real* hiker. I was impressed when she showed up with backpacking gear and special equipment. I was happy when she knew the best spots to take pictures. And I was ECSTATIC when I plunged into the healthy and delicious lunch she’d packed. All her challenges I met with enthusiasm. Everything except crawling into the cave, even though she’d brought us each a change of clothes. I didn’t want to get muddy – not on my first time out.

I think she’d agree my first professional hiking adventure was a success. At home she told my daughter, “Your mom did really well. She even did a water crossing!”

Water crossing?

She meant when we jumped over that creek. Water crossing sounds a lot cooler. So much to learn…

Next time I’m getting muddy. I need to earn my cool lingo.

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